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>>129398 In which a Wizard casts the spells that make the Touhous fall down.
[X] You think I want
into your little club? Bitch be trippin.
“Well?” Riku asks again.
You’ve had a long, nasty day, even by your standards. Attacked by ghosts, breaking into the netherworld, lunch with a ‘ghost princess’ (whatever the hell
that title means,) hunting down and interrogating a winged journalist, an abrupt magical duel with a surprisingly powerful teenager, a highly stressful stare-down with
two vampires, a personal emotional crisis and to top it all off? A giant goddamn monster stalking through the woods.
In short, you are not in the mood for this guy’s bullshit.
You lean in a little, and glare daggers and dirks at Riku. “Are you trying to give me a
side-quest, motherfucker?”
Riku blinks, nonplussed.
“What?” Benson says automatically.
“Side-quest,” you repeat. “Defined as any mission you don’t want to do, but is foisted upon you by some self-important
prick. As if I’d run a panty raid on the Scarlet Devil Mansion just so I could get into your secret clubhouse with the ‘no youkai’ sign hanging on the door. I’ve got better shit to do then sit around in a pigpen listening to the simian hoots you pass off as
language.”
Riku’s face flushes with rage, and he takes a step forward, opening his mouth, but you cut him off.
“-and I’m certainly not going to suffer a
jackass who shoots his mouth off about the one woman who actually
protects the village. Perhaps your rugged farmhand individualism made you forget that Gensokyo is stuffed with
psychopaths who freely throw around devastating powers they’ve got
no respect for, because they didn’t bleed to get them. And that’s not counting the small fry. The village’s existence is tenuous - I’ve only been here three days, and even I can see that - and you’re giving me shit because I’m friends with the woman who
shields it? Kindly disappear up your own asshole.”
The blood drains from Riku’s face, and he glares at you with naked homicidal intent. “You get the
fuck out of here before I-”
“Then what are you after?” the ever-unflappable Yoshi asks calmly.
“Information,” you reply.
“A friend of
Kamishirasawa needs information?” Yoshi says, a hint of skepticism in his tone.
“I need information
now,” you say, thrusting your finger upwards at the moon. “And I need it from somebody outside of the local power structure, like me.”
“Bullshit,” Riku snarls. “You’re nothing like-”
“Yes I am,” you retort. “One minute I’m fighting a dragon, and then
shazam, I’m dumped ass-over-teakettle into what appears to be the private harem of a perpetually stoned lunatic god. Since I got here I’ve had breakfast with a fairy, lunch with a
ghost princess and dinner with a vampire. I’ve strode through alien worlds most mortals never lay eyes on, and even
I classify this place as some mondo weird shit.”
Yoshi’s mouth twitches a little at the corners.
“And most importantly, you guys are squishy humans like I, so when you look at something around here the first thing you think is ‘how fast will this kill me’? So either help me or don’t, but I’m not jumping through any damn hoops like a trained climbdog.”
“Leave,” Riku says immediately, “right now.”
Yoshi’s eyes watch the sky for a few moments, which is about as close as he probably gets to looking pensive. “He’ll pass,” he says calmly.
“Are you
insane!?” Riku snarls. “He’s as arrogant as any youkai!”
“If he was, he would have tried to take the information by force,” Benson points out. “Yoshi’s in agreement with me. For once, you’re outvoted.”
“We’ll talk this over later,” Riku says, still furious, “but you-” he thrusts his finger at you- “you leave-
now.”
“Make me, shitbird.”
Riku points at something behind you, and you cut your eyes to the left. Ever so slowly, a perfectly square section of cornfield earth lifts like a door, and you find yourself staring down a crossbow bolt. Sliding your eyes right, you find another spider-hole with a crossbow aimed at your head, and you’ve got no doubt there’s a few more behind you.
“Call off your boys, Riku,” Yoshi says, his tone still placid. “We’re not handing him the keys to the castle, just trading favors.”
Riku doesn’t look away from you as he addresses his fellows. “It ought be unanimous. He leaves
now. Then we flap our gums.”
Benson turns to face Riku square. The routound little man tucks his hands into his pockets- to keep them from shaking, you suspect. “Riku,” he says, the nervousness evident in his voice. “You don’t have the authority-”
“And you do? What, are you gonna drop your little needle and go crawling around in the woods with a weapon? Without me, there
is no society and you damn well know it.”
“Now,” Benson says, a slight tremor in his voice.
“Now what?”
“Now this,” comes a voice from the ground some feet away. A patch of the stubbled cornfield seems to heave heavenward, limbs appearing as it rises, until in the moonlight a lumpy humanoid figure with a raised crossbow is revealed. He lowers the weapon and takes a few steps forward, until you can all make him out as a human dressed in what looks like a mass of rags.
“It’s called a ghille suit,” Benson says, the tremor in his voice gone. “By the way, I made more then one.” Riku’s eyes cut left-right-left wildly. You don’t bother- between the outfit and the darkness, they’re effectively invisible and you know it.
“But-”
“Why don’t you shut up?” Yoshi says casually. “Shut up. Right now.”
Riku shuts up. He jerks his cupped palm up in a stiff, angry gesture, and the lids of the spider holes flip all the way back. Now that you’re less likely to get a crossbow bolt between the shoulderblades for it, you feel free to look around. Four boys- they look like teenagers- are sullenly clambering out of their hiding spots, respectfully keeping their weapons pointed at the ground.
Riku glares at you and makes a curious hand gesture you don’t recognize. From the vigorous way he performed it, you infer it wasn’t polite. Together, him and the armed boys sulk away across the moonlit cornfield.
You wait until they’re safely distant before speaking. “So the little hand thing probably doesn’t mean ‘good luck,’ does it?”
“Not quite, no,” Yoshi says.
“I’ll have a hand gesture or two for
him next time,” you grumble angrily.
“I hope so,” Benson says, leaning over and supporting himself on his knees. “Sweet jumping jackalopes, that was
not fun.”
“Good job, by the way,” Yoshi says to the man in the ‘ghillie suit.’ Shouldering his weapon, the crossbowman pulls back the hood of his- well,
her- garment.
“That guy’s a few bees short of a hive,” she says dourly. “You looked like you were going to shi-”
“THANK you, honey, that’s enough,” Benson says, slowly standing upright again. “Aoi, Shoji, you too.” A little further out in the field, two more amorphous dirt clods resolve themselves into humanoid figures with crossbows, and come striding over.
“Well, sorry about that,” Yoshi says, as if nothing had happened. “Riku’s a bit paranoid.”
“No
shit,” you reply. “You guys don’t fuck around.”
“Would it have worked, anyway?” Benson asks. “I mean-”
“I’d rather not have to find out,” you reply. “I honestly wasn’t expecting
that.”
A smile slowly spreads over Yoshi’s face as he tucks his hands into his jacket pockets. “We might not be youkai, but we do know how to take precautions. If you can’t be strong, be devious.”
“Or bring friends,” Keine’s voice says from thin air behind the two men. Yoshi jumps forward in alarm, and Benson whirls so fast he trips and falls flat on his ass. The three archers leap back, raising their weapons with remarkable nimbleness, but they’ve got nothing to aim at.
“Over here,” Keine’s voice comes again, this time from behind one of the archers. Before he can react, his crossbow is yanked out of her hands and he’s sent sprawling on the ground. There’s a brief shimmer as the
Invisibility spell dissipates, revealing Keine holding the purloined crossbow carelessly in one hand, as if it’s a useless toy. Her bluish-white hair catches the bright moonglow wonderfully, outlining her scowling visage.
“Keine,” Yoshi says numbly. “Hello.”
“Hi,” Keine says curtly, carelessly tossing the crossbow at the feet of the prone youth. “Well, now, everybody’s cards are on the table. Can we chat like civilized folk, now?”
“Yes, of course Miss Kamishirasawa, of course,” Benson says, struggling to his feet. “We have no problem with you, I assure you.” The suspicious glances of the armed youths say differently, though none of them are foolish enough to point their weapons at the village’s benefactor.
“Well since that’s all settled,” says one of the camouflaged girls, “you think we could chat
tomorrow? I don’t want to be out here any longer then necessary.”
“Why?” Keine says, honestly puzzled. “Feral youkai don’t attack groups of this size, and besides, me and-”
“This one might,” another girl says, her voice strained. “It’s
ginormous.”
“The great summer youkai,” the young man mutters, picking himself and his weapon off the ground where Keine threw them.
“What? That’s just a rumor,” Keine says, her tone convincingly dismissive, even though you just told her different not twenty minutes ago.
“No, we saw it,” the first girl protests. “Not an hour before we came here for the appointment. Came right up to the edge of the forest, near the millpond.” Her voice is faint, and considering her familiarity with the heavy weapon in her hands, you take that as significant.
“What were you doing out by the millpond?” Keine asks. “More aimless stomping about?’”
“I wouldn’t send my
daughter into the woods pointlessly,” Benson objects. “We- uh-” he waffles a moment, glancing at Yoshi.
“We
just went over this,[/i]” Yoshi says, sounding a little weary.
“Right. Well, we don’t go running around
willy nilly, you know,” Benson continues, nursing his wounded professional pride. “We do research, make plans-”
“-so you only wander into the most youkai-infested spots-” Keine comments dourly.
“-AND make preparations for danger!” Benson snaps back. “Anyway, we’ve been sighting this huge youkai at night for over six weeks now. With the help of an... informant.”
“He means Sanae,” Yoshi adds with slight amusement. “You’ll have to forgive Benson. He still thinks its possible to keep big secrets in the village.”
“Yeah,” you agree. “This
is the first time I’ve discovered a secret society by reading the local
newspaper. “So
Sanae? What does she do?”
Benson shrugs. “Whatever she can. She’s still learning the ropes. She can fly, and chums with gods, so she has a better idea of this thing’s movements when we do. She stops by and gives us leads now and then. Sometimes they pay off.”
“Dad,” Benson’s daughter says nervously. “Seriously.”
“Nikki’s right,” Yoshi says. “We should probably move this inside.”
“Actually, it’s late, and my friend here needs his rest,” Keine says curtly. “We need to be going.”
“Well... okay,” Benson says uncomfortably. “But when you’re ready to discuss all this-”
“-I know where to find you,” you finish. “I’ll look you up as soon as possible.”
*****
The flight back to the Mansion is thankfully uneventful. You and Keine, both exhausted, say little during the trip. You manage to reach your rooms again without undue hassle, though you notice lamplight behind some upper-story windows before you land- as one might expect in a vampire’s manse just past midnight.
“She’s still asleep,” Keine announces, peeking into Cirno’s room, then closing the door. “Out like a light.”
“I think I’ll join her,” you say wearily, stepping into your room and tossing your hat aside carelessly. You shuck out of your robe and kick your boots off, pulling the borrowed bottle of scotch out of its pocket. With Keine watching, you at least attempt to look civilized, and create two shot glasses with a cantrip. There’s a slight creaking sound as Keine leans against the doorjam, and you feel her eyes on your back.
Setting the glasses on the narrow reading table, you fill them. There’s a slight
creak from behind you; probably Keine leaning on the doorjamb. You sigh, hanging your head as you lean wearily on the table. You can feel her eyes on your back.
“Say it,” you mutter.
“What? Couldn’t hear you.”
“Say it.”
“Look at me.”
“Nope.”
You hear her cross the room to stand behind you.
“Look.”
“Can’t I just
listen to your gloating?”
“No~pe,” Keine says with delight. You sigh, and turn to face her.
“TOLD YOU SO, DUMMY!” she scolds you, slapping you upside the head. “Mr. vampire-slayer-dragon-slayer-I-climbed-Howlers-Crag-I-can-handle-myself! Maybe you’ll
listen from now on!”
“Seriously,
crossbows?” you scoff. “There’s a spell to handle that not much harder then what I used for these,” you say, clinking the shotglasses together.
“Did you actually cast it?”
“Uh, no, because I had you along, anyways,” you point out.
“Mmmhmm,” Keine says dubiously. “Your expression upon seeing that crossbow pop out of the ground didn’t exactly convey ‘just as planned’, but that’s just me.”
“Wizards are inscrutable and mysterious,” you say glumly. “Wouldn’t expect you to understand.”
Keine giggles. “You’re so cute when you try to bluff,” she says. “Even though I can read you like a book.”
“Hey, it works on most people!” you protest weakly. “They’re too busy waiting for you to cast a fireball or pull an alligator out of your ass to analyze your poker face.”
“You going to fill those?” she asks, nodding at the glasses in your hand. You do so, then follow Keine as she pulls you over to sit on your bed.
“So, anything else that makes me ‘cute’?” you say with exaggerated dejection before quaffing your liquor. “Like wanton violence? To think, I could have had much better luck with all those teenage witches by punching them in the face.”
Keine chuckles. “Well, you
do have an uncanny ability to somehow say the exact right thing amidst a torrent of insults,” she says.
“... I said something
right?” you say, surprised. “I thought working one of three ringleaders into a homocidal fury was a
bad thing.”
Keine shakes her head, and tosses back her drink, coughing a little. “Nuh-no, you dimwit,” she says affectionately. “You’re sharp, but sometimes you miss things. When you were telling Riku why he was stupid – you know, when you were defending me – you said something about how tenuous the village’s existence was. Remember?”
“What of it?” you say. “It’s just the truth.”
“But it shows you
think like they do,” Keine explains. “They view youkai as a threat- more then most of the villagers do. You tend to do the same – now I know your history, I can see why. That’s what Benson and Yoshi were looking for. They were playing good magistrate, bad magistrate.”
“Uh, what?” You pour two more drinks.
“You don’t know about that?” Keine says, laughing a little. “You, Mister Adventurer? It’s where one magistrate is nasty to a suspect, and the other nice. It let’s the ‘bad’ one goad the suspect into giving things away, then the ‘nice’ one follows up, using the trust he gains for being ‘nice’. Riku probably didn’t know; the other two were expecting him to be rude.”
“Those manipulative bastards,” you say, scowling at your glass before emptying it. Keine drinks hers, and coughs a bit more then last time as the good scotch burns down her throat.
“Well, we got ‘em back at least,” she says grinning, filling her glass herself this time.
“... what?”
Keine giggles again, shoving you playfully. “Youo
are so thick sometimes,” she said. “Why do you think I was such a bitch to them?”
Grayish beams of Enlightenment filter through the booze-haze in your mind as realization dawns. “Oh. And they’re already wary of you, so...”
“Give the boy a prize,” Keine says, tossing back another shot.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” you admit sheepishly. “I drop into this hellhole with
no warning, and... I’m lucky Cirno led me to you.”
“Damn straight,” Keine says, giggling. She’s giggling a lot, you notice. “Without me, you’d be hiding in a cupboard chanting ‘not the fairies, not the fairies’ after burning down half the forest.”
“Just half?” you ask darkly, and Keine laughs again at your brooding seriousness. “Anyway, what’s with that legend?”
Keine explains something about a huge steam-filled blow-up doll some creatures called the Kappa made to advertise a festival or a feast or something, and how half of Gensokyo went properly apeshit over it before the Bunburu published a story on it. Or something like that. It’s getting a little hard to focus now. She asks you about this ‘Duandor’ fellow, and you share a story involving you, him, and an altercation involving a little gnome enchanter with a big mouth. After a while, the talking and the drinking slack off, and you slip into an exhausted slumber. Even as weary as you are, in the depths of your subconscious, you dream...
[ ] About your past.
[ ] About your future.
[ ] Someone else’s nightmare.
