Anonymous 2008/08/02 (Sat) 03:40 No. 7120 I blame the write-in for this:
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After another day of insinuating, manipulating, and baiting her way into the shrine maiden's confidence, Yukari shambled out into Mayohiga from her gap with frustration and boredom written clearly on her face. 'Reimu is a pretty girl, but also pretty dull--no fun to tease at all~.' Of course, Yukari could never admit this, least of all to Reimu; the shrine maiden is simply too important to Gensokyo's balance to let something like a lack of personality get in the way.
'Well, hopefully the next generation Hakurei will be more interesting~. She is old enough that I could start looking for an appropriate male; maybe someone with a little "moxie" in his genome? Fufufu~.' But for now, Yukari's mind was too tired to manipulate the complex weave of Gensokyo's balance. The affected emotions, the intimidation tactics, power games, deceit, infomongering, and sometimes murder that her greater machinations required were always very draining.
'Today: Chillax~. I'll have Ran make pancakes~. Banana-nut pancakes!' As she approach her domicile, Yukari remembered one of her more speculative investments: 'That Norseman's success over that dire bear I loosed after him was unexpected. Certainly encouraging~.' As Yukari smirked she brought up her fan by reflex. 'Gensokyo accepts all kinds. Even those from the frozen lands of the North. Maybe that yuki-onna would be intereste--' Yukari's thoughts were brought to halt as she noticed the apparent renovations that had taken place while she was away. The first thing Yukari saw when she got home was the lack of a front door. The second thing Yukari saw when she got home was the lack of a door frame. It appeared something had blasted an 8' diameter hole through entrance, a hole that continued through the building and out the other side, giving a clear view of the residence's unkempt backyard. A fountain of water sprays from a pipe in one of the middle rooms--what was likely once a sink or a toilet.
As she crossed the threshold Yukari noticed the strange scent of burning mushrooms and sneered. Following her nose to the kitchen, she found the aroma stemmed from a purple goopy substance leaking out of the broken, fizzling microwave. The fridge and freezer doors had been left wide open. On the kitchen table lay the package of Klondike bars she lifted on her most recent outside excursion, now almost empty. She took the singular remaining Klondike bar in her right hand, unwrapped it, and took a bite, using her backside to bump the freezer and fridge doors closed. 'Sweet, still cold. It hasn't all that long.' She makes a barely perceptible gesture, and a gap to the Elemental Plane of Fire opens to her left; she throws the wrapper and empty box into it.
Yukari places her hand in one of her dress's many pocket gaps and pulls out a crowbar. Using its mechanical advantage, she effortlessly tears the seeping microwave from its mounting, and deposits the broken appliance--and the now sticky crowbar--in the incineration portal. With a quick gap to a particularly breezy spot of the Elemental Plane of Air, the remaining stench is quickly removed from the household.
Venturing into the living room, she ignores the buzzing fan and the loud skipping coming from the Victrola to sit in her favorite chair, if only to collect her thoughts and take another bite of her Klondike bar. Sitting however she finds to her discomfort that someone of great mass has worn-out the previously perfect groove of her La-Z-Boy. Her brow furrows as she masticates the dessert snack excessively and makes further notes of her surroundings: Multicolored "stars" are embedded all over the place--stuck into the rafters, walls, floors, and furniture. Walking over to the Victrola she finds Revolver playing backwards on the turntable, the needle skipping; the speakers have been turned up to (what else) 11. Walking away Yukari almost trips on a roll of toilet paper lying on the floor, scrawled with what appear to be Nordic runes. Looking at the toilet paper roll on the ground, which she then kicks away, Yukari notices another aberration, the moving silhouette on the floor. She looks upwards at the buzzing ceiling fan. Chen appears to have mercifully passed-out, tied to the fan blades, with a hatchet embedded into the wood centimeters from the unconscious girl's head. Yukari stares for a few seconds as she takes another bite of her Klondike bar.
A groan from hall and Yukari walks over to find Ran slumped against the wall in a complete stupor, not even able to remove the funnel in her mouth. Half-bound and strangely bereft of clothing, empty sake bottles lay all around her. A stone rice bowl fashioned into a sort of viking helmet lies lopsided on her head and her nine tails have tied into intricate plaits. Ran makes another moan shorter and more guttural, but otherwise gives no indication she is aware of Yukari's presence. Yukari walks back to the living room, popping the last of the Klondike bar in her mouth. With a snap of her fingers, a gap opens behind above Ran and a bucketful of ice cold water rains down, bringing the shikigami back to lucidity with a yelp, the funnel falling to the ground with a hollow thunk.
The now awake and shivering kitsune prostrates herself at her master's back, as Yukari chews on this last bit of ice cream and again considers the nekomata still spinning on the ceiling.
"M-m-miss Yukar-ri! The N-norseman! He--"
Yukari holds a hand up to silence her servant's pleas. "First," she says while still chewing, "Put on some clothes."
Ran, now aware of her indecent state, gives a surprised cry and does her best to quickly rearrange her half-unfastened clothes into something more presentable.
"A-anyway, the outsider and the black-whi--"
Yukari swallows and interrupts her with another gesture. "Second, take that stupid bowl off your head." Ran's look is one of shock as she experimentally touches the earthenware vessel she's currently using as a headpiece. The look is replaced by one of embarrassment and then anger as she grabs the pot and tosses it to the floor. Yukari plays with her fan, opening and snapping it closed in repetition. Taking a final glance at ceilingcat, she makes her way out of the living room, into areas now traversable by the gaping hole in the walls. Ran starts as if to follow her.
"Miss Yukari, where are you going! We need to--"
Yukari presses the closed fan against her forehead. "The only thing I need, Ran, is to go to bed. Far too early in the day to be dealing with this." Stepping through the wall into her bedroom, the head of the Yakumo household finds her brow twitch in uncharacteristic consternation as she looks down at the splintered wood and plaster that the bedroll. "Now take Chen down from the ceiling for Suwako's sakes." She mutters the last part.
"Chen? Wait wha-" Ran's sentence is cut off as she looks at the ceiling, at the fan, at Chen, and then at the hatchet. Ran starts to stutter in terror. "Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-Chen!!"
Lazy Yukari Yakumo, having decided to not bother dealing with cleaning the old one, simply gaps another bedroll in on top of it. After throwing all but her undergarments into the hamper gap, she crawls inside her makeshift cocoon. Shivering as she waits for her own body heat to warm up the bedroll, Yukari pops her head from under the covers momentarily to let give a final loud but sleepy command, "And turn over Revolver would you?"
There was no reply, but it was not a few minutes later that the mellow tune of "Yellow Submarine" was carried to Yukari's ears. With a sigh, she let her weighted eyelids close and her frown relax into light smile. 'Fufufu~. A viking vexed is a fearsome foe, indeed. But remember dear Sigurd, a prophecy upon Sigmund's tomb, defeating this Dragon drags you yet nearer to your doom.' So she thought last before beginning the journey across the border of waking and dream.
