Anonymous 2015/05/30 (Sat) 21:21 No. 13673 Votes:
[X] Flanjipan
[X] DAZED, REELING, ABOUT TO BREAK
Commentary:
Uncharted: Eastern Wonderland - So... the main running theme for almost all of my commentary is going to be "I don't know the crossover, so how readable is this knowing only the Touhou half?"
This entry seems... okay, but I couldn't get into it at all. The first five paragraphs in particular, the repeated structures and multiple uses of "but (interesting thing I'd like to hear about) is something I'm not going to talk about," I guess that's a thing that Uncharted characters do? It flops pretty hard for me though. By the time the action starts, I'm not interested in reading it, because the story's already explicitly told me that it isn't going to explain why I should care about Sully and, uh, *checks* Nate.
So some action happens, people may or may not get blown up, and then it's over.
That probably came out harsher than I intended, sorry. It is well described, particularly the post-explosion setpieces at the end, and I'm sure it's more entertaining if you know things about Uncharted. But for me the opening really, really kills it - I think I'd have been able to get into it more if it just cold opened on getting shot at.
It Must Be Scratched - I do sort of know what Blue Meanies are, but they're so far out of context here that it barely matters, this is more of a purely original story.
Good horror, good atmosphere, some good action, lots of nice scenes, well done. There's a good grasp of menace demonstrated here - the Meanies seem genuinely scary and threatening, even though a good portion of their antics could be described as ham-handed, out of context. I would read this as a full story, for sure.
The one thing I have to knock off some points for is a bit of a feeling of disjoint. I couldn't figure out when the opening scene was supposed to occur in the incident timeline, and then having everyone resurrect and show up in almost comical fashion clashed with the serious tone in an uncomfortable way. I guess that's what you were going for, but it wound up leaving me with a bit of confused emotion at the end.
Still, well done.
Flanjipan - Another entry where I had no idea what the source was. This one, though, convinced me to look it up afterwards. Conway's personality, devices, and style shine through strongly and immediately.
(It's almost the same style of intro as the Uncharted entry, except it actually explains what's going on and works to make me interested. Which shows how close the Uncharted entry is to actually being great, I guess - sorry again to that guy for sounding harsh!)
And all the rest... just yes. Descriptions are easy to follow and interesting, there are tons of cute little references to Touhou (and probably Gunpoint too), jokes, snappy dialogue...
Characterizations for everyone come across well, that's the best part. And not only that, they all interact and act with agency, rather than feeling like they're following a script. You can trace everyone's different lines of logic and action, through the midst of all the humor.
I honestly don't know what else to say. The entertainment never stops. And this is in the NEWBIES category? I need to read more by this author.
Party Time - Simple summary here. This clearly goes all in on the Elona jokes. The sex is dry and formulaic, and there's no Touhou content at all, just an old ojou who happens to be named Yukari. As I haven't played Elona, I feel like a contestant on Survivor who's just lost a challenge and has to listen to Jeff Probst spit out "Blue tribe, I got nothin' for ya, head back to camp."
I can make out enough to get that it's probably chuckle-worthy for Elona players, and the ending even got a smile out of me, but overall, ehn. If this was originally a joke entry though, it's pretty good in that light?
A Tiny, Clever Admiral - I haven't played any Kancolle, but it's impossible to be around internet anime stuff and not have at least a basic familiarity with it by now. And it's just as well, for there's no Touhou in this, really, except for the initial conversation with Shou (which doesn't seem to serve much purpose?) and the title joke. Once it gets going, all the details are Kantai, and the Admiral could be any saucy woman. That said, it is a nice joke and there was at least *some* effort to have Touhou content, so... sure.
It's too long. I keep dancing around ways to say that that will sound objective and nice, but screw it, it's too long and there's nothing lewd or important in the entire first post. There is some character development for the Admiral, but when the second post finally rolls around to the shlickings, we're rapid firing a bunch of different boatgirls with different personalities anyway so what does it matter?
The sexings are okay, pretty good even. But again they rely on prior knowledge of the boat personalities to really get into it, and I don't have that much in depth knowledge. And... well, it plays up everything I personally hate about Kancolle. The horrible turnoff metal earpieces, the uncomfortable too-submissive streaks, going on about bauxite and repair times, the feeling that this is playing towards people who sincerely support the rise of a resentful and highly nationalist Japanese military-industrial complex eventually leading towards widescale social unrest and the destabilization of relations with Korea, China and the US...
Yeah, going in hard on Kancolle is doomed from the start with me. Decent effort though. For actual constructive criticism - cut down that first post, use a couple fewer girls and develop them more, and try and make the protagonist more specifically Nazrin.
True Love's Re-Enactment - Ace comedy. Not entirely sure what the jokes are about, other than being a followup to that entry from the last contest, but that's enough that I can get behind "meta" as a crossover. The jokes are on, from start to finish, and beyond them there's good characters and a bit of a plot. I wish there were more actual sexings here I could get into, but even so it was a hard call between this and Dazed.
Dazed, Reeling - The opposite of most of the other entries, this one is very light on the crossover and heavier on the Touhou side of things. There are some references to DD, but mostly Dudebro here could be any random paladin or vampire hunter type. I don't mind that too much, though - this is a Touhou site, so if you're going to be light on one side, better it be this way than the reverse. Plus there's the bonus points for THP crossover, as we have a rich history of writing about this exact situation going all the way back to HY's original SDM Quest.
Good jokes. Good cuteness. Great dialogue. Some might complain about “Come to me! Ravish my genitalia!” and "Behold, my most powerful holy weapon!" and "moist," but in the silly-awkward style of the scene it all really works for me. And then there's good hot sex, which is the deciding factor that earns this my vote - this is a porn contest, after all, and out of the four entries this is the one that was able to turn me on the most.
I can see that it's rushed in some areas, and could certainly be polished. Still good, though. Don't overthink it and use a gentle touch. Since you revealed you wrote Uncharted as well, comparing that to this... Dazed has a muuuuch better introduction, snappier character interaction and doesn't let anyone feel they're even possibly missing the point. Uncharted has better descriptions and imagery by far, that's the major thing Dazed is lacking. Combine your styles and profit!
