Moral !1d4WGijdSc 2014/08/07 (Thu) 04:05 No. 1732 Once the space pod exited the moon’s atmosphere or whatever you call it, the walls disappeared and I was left truly alone. I don’t know why they disappeared, but everything is gone. I can’t explain it to you either. I was never good at science. I slept through all those classes. But regretting to pay attention in science class is the last thing that’s on my mind right now. I managed to open up a voice recording software out of sheer dumb luck. Might be because I tripped while getting into the shuttle and pressed a few buttons with my butt. Yay. My sex appeal is not useless after all.
The moon is flying away. In reality, I’m flying away but don’t get too literal now. It’s bad enough I’m talking to literally space and more space so don’t get too sarcastic.
[Pause]
If only you could see this right now. Every light, every building, every person is so small. Civilization is but a dot to me. Little Dahlia, Kylie, Commander Dao, and the supreme overlords of horrificity, Torihime and Yorihime, are all on that white dot less than half a centimeter in diameter from here. The moon becomes nothing but a speck of white superimposed on a black sheet filled with an endless spectrum of more white, purple, red, blue, more blue, different red, and violet. Violet is not purple, mind you. Indigo too. From here, the stars are so beautiful, yet so cruel and so cold. Each is a beacon, twinkling in the vast universe and its galaxies, solar systems, planets, moons, moons of moons.
[Pause]
But I’ll never reach them. It’ll take more time than I’ll ever hope to imagine. A forever, if you will. And to be sent alone, it’ll only be a matter of a time before I shatter into a million pieces, my mind crashing against the cold, invisible frame of the space pod. I assume it’ll happen sooner or later.
[Pause]
Aaaaaaand the panic is setting in. I was never claustrophobic before, but the walls seem to be crushing the breath right out of me. I’m having trouble breathing, but oxygen levels seem to be stable. I wonder how long my oxygen will last. It’s Lunarian technology. I’ll give it half a million years. Don’t I need to eat? How does this thing even have enough energy to sustain voice recording? Nothing’s displayed to me, so I don’t have the faintest idea. I’m beginning to question my sanity. Maybe there is no ship? But of course there is, I saw it with my own eyes. Before the monitors all disappeared. Ohgod, how do I even prove it? Do I even need to prove it? What good is proving something if nobody can affirm it? I’m losing an argument and I’m the only person here.
[Pause]
Right. I’m the only person here. I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. Drifting.
[Pause]
You know when those silly teenage relationships end and the girls go around crying into their best friend’s shoulder about how they’ll “be alone forever and ever and ever and boys suck”? Call them over. Invite them to tea. Console them. And slap them into outer space, where they will hopefully meet me so I can slap them back to your planet.
[Pause]
Cheers.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
It has been forty days since my last transmission. Or has it been forty weeks? It’s becoming increasingly hard to tell. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how silly people are where I used to live. You have to pretend to be happy, pretend to love the dictator queens. Pretend to like people and their horrible clothes, disgusting personalities, and the little fake paintings that they “got from the most exquisite museum from the artist itself, the real Don Paulo, really” when frankly you don’t give half a shit. I’ve always hated being so… fake. But it’s expected and you have to wear that mask every day to keep yourself alive in Lunarian society.
[Pause]
Oh! It’s different with you though! There is nobody who I need to pretend I like over here. Because there’s nobody ever. No worrying about pretending who I am and who you are to people. Nobody’s here. But me! Hi. How are you? I’m fine, except for the fact that I’m drifting off into the infinite void that we, or at least the people in my homeland, call space. Do you think you’ll be able to speak my language? It would be pretty sad if you got this message and didn’t even know how to communicate with me. I would cry. But then again, I’d never know. Because I’m here. In space. Forever. So if you would, please just smile and nod politely after the end of every sentence. It’d make me very happy. Just do it for my own benefit. Please? Great. I knew I could depend on you. You’re the best!
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Hey. If I scream out in the middle of space and nobody hears, do I make a sound? Do I exist?
[Pause]
There is no sound in space. I’m sad.
[Pause]
Does that mean I exist? I think, therefore I am? What if I think, therefore I am but nobody can prove I am so therefore, I’m somewhere in the middle but leaning towards “am not”? I think, therefore… I might?
[Pause]
Please don’t make fun of me. I’m trying my very best to stay sane just for you! Hoho, are you embarrassed? Did you blush? Did this disembodied voice make your heart skip a beat? Well, I’m assuming that there’s no hologram system for this voice recording thing. It’ll be weird because I’m stuck in that one pose where you get laid into a coffin. I’m ready to be cremated or something.
[Pause]
You know. I have a good figure. By Lunarian standards anyway. I don’t know your planet’s tastes. And if you ever find me, please don’t literally taste me. That’s not what I mean. I’m talking about what attracts a person to another one. Again, not in the predatory-and-prey kind of way. You know what? Never mind. I’m mad at you. I’m ignoring you.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I’m bored.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
You know, it’s scary, because one moment you are one hundred percent sure that you are living and exist and all of a sudden realize that you don’t even know who you are. You lose your sense of identity. You think back to yourself and completely forget what you did in life, what your goals were, what your own parents looked like. It’s a lot more melodramatic when you’re not floating endlessly throughout space. It’s so different… not caring about what you care about. I think I’m having a mental breakdown.
[Pause]
It’s scary because my entire thought process was, “Oh.”
[Pause]
I thought about that. For four hundred million years! Give or take a forever and a half. I don’t remember the names of my co-workers, I don’t remember the color of the capital building, I don’t remember the face of my niece, my uncle, the sound of my father’s laugh. And all I can say is, “Oh.” I have all of forever to think about it, to realize that I will eventually forget the things that are most precious to me. Every moment of time is a forever for me. Each forever would take thousands of forevers. Forevers are now measured units of time and I haven’t even reached one yet. I’ve been living a gigantic non-forever.
[Pause]
But I still remember my name. And I’ll probably never forget it. Reisen Udongein Inaba. Because even in the bitter end, self-preservation still stands fuckin’ strong.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Can it be forever yet? Maybe I can find those stars from before. I miss those stars. Remember when I talked about how the stars were so beautiful? I want to see them again. Tell me how I described them. I don’t remember what they looked like. I want to grasp at them, but they’re gone now. It’s funny, how the stars are so vivid, yet I can’t even remember the slightest detail about them except that they’re bright. I want to remember those stars. I’ve forgotten so many happy things about the moon. I’ve forgotten the sad things too. But why is that my chest hurts when I don’t know what the stars look like? I’m starting to fear myself. I, who feels no pain at the loss of her own precious memories, feel a sharp, stabbing pain in my heart when I cannot remember the stars – big, gaseous conversions of energy! And don’t even correct me on my terminology! I am mad! Stark-raving mad! I’m mad that I’m not mad about my memories and the stars and everything else!
[Pause]
Or should I be happy that I can still be mad at not being mad? You know, anger never stays for long over here. With nobody to stay mad at, you just feel an immense pity for yourself after a non-forever amount of time. So I guess I need to take things at face value. I have to be happy that I can be mad at myself for not being mad at myself.
[Pause]
What was I talking about?
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I’m bored.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
What good is living if the only form of company is a stray asteroid that doesn’t watch where it’s going? I yelled obscenities at it, but it seemed to ignore me. Cheeky bugger. Never even looked both ways before slamming into my pod. Well, I didn’t really feel a lot of it because the thing seems to be well padded.
[Pause]
How low have I fallen to be happy to converse with flying rocks in space? Don’t say it, I’m not going to listen. Shut up! And don’t give me those puppy dog eyes.
[Pause]
…Aw, come on. You know I can’t stay mad at you. Out of all the people I don’t know, you’re probably my favorite. Don’t act all smug, that doesn’t mean I like you. I just hate you the least. What? No, that doesn’t mean I like you.
[Pause]
Everybody in the moon acted like such assholes.
[Pause]
Oh. Oh! I just remembered something about the moon! This is a good day.
[Pause]
I don’t remember what a “day” is. I’m sad again.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I’m bored.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I want to cry. I want to go home. I miss people. I miss hating people. I never knew what it meant to be loved. I never fell in love. I never did a lot of things I wanted to do. I’ll never be a bride, I’ll never get to taste those stupid peanuts that the old woman sells with her little cart on the street. And worst of all? I’d have probably hated those peanuts if I tried them.
[Pause]
I never liked peanuts.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Hey. If you find this, tell me that you love me. That way, I can say that someone loves me. That someone cares. I’ve never told anyone this, but my parents have never said that they loved me or that they cared about me. I remember this now. They treated me well and did everything great parents do. But they have not once told me that they love me.
[Pause]
I love you. No, you can’t reject me. I’m not even listening to you. Because I can’t listen. I’m out here alone, drifting away in space forever. Remember?
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I talked to the nearby star today. I bet you didn’t know that! Anyway, the star. It’s bright. A little bit too bright. A horrible conversational partner as expected. Always so boring, so quiet. You would think that a gigantic ball of light and radiance would be more interesting than a stupid flying rock in the middle of nowhere, but no. Don’t tell him this, but I can’t even look at him without getting annoyed. Probably because it may be hazardous for my vision and looking at the blasted thing burns my corneas. Anyway, I’m facing away from him and talking to you instead. Don’t tell him that too, it’ll hurt his feelings. What? Of course you’re a good conversational partner! Don’t get all mopey. I can just tell, okay?
[Pause]
Fine, fine, you are the greatest conversational partner in the entire universe that I have had the pleasure of talking to. Are you happy now? Geez.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I love you!
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I’m bored.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
It’s dark. It’s scary. I don’t know where I am. Well, it’s always like that but still. At least I can kinda tell what direction I’m going. Like… towards the Pointy-Blue-Star. Or the Fly-Swatter Galaxy. What? Yes, I know those aren’t the real names! For crying out loud, I’m stuck in this place and you’re giving me crap about the Fly-Swatter Galaxy!?
[Pause]
No, they don’t have flies in the moon. Are you done asking stupid questions? I worry about you. And I’m the one going insane! No, I’m not insane yet. Thanks to you. Oh, don’t be like that! Now’s not the time to get all bashful.
[Pause]
Aw shucks. I think you are too.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I love you.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
No, I don’t really love you. It was a lie all along.
[Pause]
I don’t believe myself either.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Do you think if I travel far enough, I could meet God? I just have to reach the end of the universe and then fall off. Kinda like that one guy. Yeah, Columbus! What? No. That’s stupid. Somebody’s going to have to save me if I fall off. You can’t have the end of the universe unregulated! There are safety hazards. The only problem is if I don’t reach the end of the universe. Then, I’d be drifting. Forever.
[Pause]
Let’s hope I can reach God in time.
[Pause]
Yeah, yeah. If I reach God, I’ll let him know that you’re a good friend of mine.
[Pause]
My goodness, you might be on to something. You’re right. Silly me! God could be a woman. Him? Her? God could even be a concept, an idea of a thing. What if I passed by him and I never noticed? What if he’s in another dimension? It’s really strange how I think about this now that I’m all alone and flying towards my eventual damnation.
[Pause]
Are you really going to start a religious debate with me? No, no, no. I’ll have no more of this.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I wonder if rescue will ever come. I see planets far away and speculate if they ever have life. If they ever see me and wonder what that little flying object is. If they would get curious enough to save me.
[Pause]
Yeah, I’m not hopeful, but it keeps me sane. The thought that one day, something different might happen. A knight in shining armor comes and whisks me away from my living coffin. Nothing ever goes to plan though. If someone does find me, they might just kill me or capture me for research. But even then, that’s something different than… this.
[Pause]
Are you implying that I’m so desperate for contact that I’d be okay with that?
[Pause]
Well, you wouldn’t be wrong.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I’m bored.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Hey.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
…Hey.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
……..Hey.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Back then, I really was kidding when I said that I loved you.
[Pause]
I really love you right now, though. It’s crazy because I’ll never know who you are and you’ll never know who I am. You’ll never meet me. For all I know, this message may not even find civilization. It may spend forever and forever and a half drifting, like I am. You may not even know my language, where I’m going, how to save me, what to do. There is logically, mathematically, spiritually no chance you can find me. But I love you anyway. Because we just click, you know? I get really happy when we can talk. Even though this isn’t even talking. It’s mostly just me talking and you listening. And you might not even be listening. Or sentient. Or alive. But I really enjoy talking to you.
[Pause]
I don’t even know how I’m getting nervous talking to a voice recording program.
[Pause]
I love you. I’m getting butterflies. Should I fear for my sanity? Because I can find love in a space pod with nobody here? Well, other than me.
[Pause]
No, I’m not a narcissist.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
This love isn’t meant to be. It’s Romeo and Juliet, except Romeo may or may not exist and Juliet’s flying impossibly through space forever. And instead of the feud between Montague and Capulet separating us, it’s probably thousands and thousands of light years. Step aside, Juliet, you big drama queen. You think you have it bad?
[Pause]
I’m making myself sad again.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Why am I even here again?
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I’m breaking up with you. N-No, I was just kidding! Don’t leave me!
[Pause]
Don’t leave me.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
A lonely, disappearing universe. But the bunny wondered if it is actually she who’s disappearing.
[Pause]
Poetic, huh? It took me half a non-forever to make it. Oh. Did I tell you I have rabbit ears? Pretty cute, right? I knew you’d like it!
[Pause]
What? I don’t know. Are rabbits and bunnies even different?
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Sometimes, I have to hold my hand up in front of the stars to remember that I still exist.
[Pause]
What if I can’t find any stars?
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I wonder how falling feels like again.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to walk again.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I wonder where I am.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I wonder who you are.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high. Like a diamond in the sky. When the blazing sun is gone. When he nothing shines upon. Then you show your little light. Twinkle, twinkle, all the night. Then the traveller in the dark. Thanks you for your tiny spark. He could not see which way to go. If you did not twinkle so.
[Pause]
Where is my little star?
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Has it been forever yet?
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
What if this is all a bad dream and I’ll wake up from it in the middle of the night? I’ll go take a shower and pour myself a cup of cold water. I don’t know what is sadder. The fact that this is a dream or the fact that this is not a dream.
[Pause]
The answer should be painfully obvious.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
No, seriously, how do I have enough oxygen still?
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Reisen Udongein Inaba.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I am Reisen.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Am I really crazy, or am I just pretending to be? I don’t really know. Like, if you were to find this message and actually understand what the hell I am saying, would that actually be insanity? I would be making sense, and yet I’m insane. I am mad but north-northwest. When the wind is southerly, I can tell a hawk from a hand-grenade.
[Pause]
What? Yes, I enjoy doing this to you.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
What if I’m only pretending to be insane? An antic disposition?
[Pause]
Sorry, I’ll stop now.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I’ve been bored far less lately. Does that mean I’m getting used to it, or that my mind is slowly chipping away and breaking apart piece by piece?
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
The stars here are dancing. And yet, the only thing I feel is frustration. I can’t remember how the stars were on the day I left the moon.
[Pause]
Tell me, how did I describe those stars that one time? Were they dancing? Were they beautiful? Did they make me want to cry, to laugh, to turn away?
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
You know all those people writing books about how to “find yourself” and whatever? Well, I found myself. Right here, stuck in this shithole. And I want to get out. I want to know where I am. I want to corral all those people who wrote those stupid books and kick their ass.
[Pause]
I want to know if anyone’s listening.
[Pause]
I want to know if I’m going to live.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
God, I’m bored.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
How much oxygen does this thing have!?
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Raisin Udonga Ibara.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Rachel Ulrick Irving.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Who am I again? Haha, just kidding. I’m Reisen Udongein Irvi-
[Pause]
…ffffffuck.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Moon bunny, moon bunny
Where are you going?
Bouncing, bouncing, as you’re flying.
Where are you going?
Over the starry nights, nights
I can’t return on my own
Go~od ti~dings
I will never bring.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
I look at the stars a lot. Granted, I don’t have anything else to do. When I look at an especially bright one, I think to myself, maybe you’re somewhere over there. Searching for me. But that wouldn’t make sense because by the time I send this message over to you, I’d be long gone from here. And the rescuing would be not-rescuing.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Are you that star? Or that one? Maybe you could even be that one.
[Pause]
I know that stars are different from planets and are probably uninhabitable! Could you be any less romantic? No, I’m not challenging you. Jeez.
[Pause]
I’m lonely.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Deep in the forest early morning
A rabbit found a spring.
Went to wash its face but the water was so clear and bright
The rabbit forgot and drank from it instead.
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Space has made me paranoid. I can’t trust anybody here. There’s always that lingering suspicion that people are out to get you in this cold, lonely, endless landscape of black that has neither land nor scape. But then again, there is no “anybody” here so that’s also a relief. So you might think, “How can you even be paranoid of nobody?” Well, why don’t you try getting jettisoned into space for the rest of your life first before thinking that?
[Pause]
…Is it a bad thing when I can’t tell I’m joking anymore?
[Transmission cut. All silences are cut for the listener’s benefit]
Hi there. How are you? Me, I think I’m going through my mid-life crisis. Again. For the seventh time now. How old am I now? Non-forever and a half? And you didn’t even remember any of my birthdays.
[Pause]
I’m not mad. I just didn’t think that you would forget after all these non-forevers. No, I’m really not mad. I’m not mad.
[Pause]
You should’ve seen the look on your face! You thought I was really mad, didn’t you?
[Pause]
Well, yes. I am mad.
[Pause]
But I’d prefer the term, “slightly insane.”
