My walk is slow and measured. I don't need to rush now, I think. And if I do, well.
As she is, she's dealt with easily enough.
The green girl lies with her back slumped against one of the multiple red pillars. She makes a few efforts at trying to get up, but every attempt results in a painful grimace, and a slow, careful, settling-back-down. One of her legs is bent at a strange, unusual angle, and in addition to that, there's something wrong in the way she's sitting. Physically wrong.
My friend does solid work when he can be made to give a damn.
Stray strands of my hair that were sliced by the gohei occasionally drift down, shaken loose by my steps.
I come to a stop in front of her, and look down.
She looks up at me.
I don't smirk, gloat, or otherwise lord it over her. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to, or that I'm not doing it inside.
She, in turn, doesn't glare up at me with hatred or anger in her eyes, doesn't gaze upon me with contempt. But likewise, I'm sure she's feeling it inside.
We're trying to be professional about this, I think.
Call it stupid, misplaced vanity.
But important, if only to tell yourself later that you handled it well.
"So," I say.
Silence reigns for a moment before she replies in a similar calm, unperturbed voice.
"...So."
Neither of us say anything more for another minute.
"It's got to suck, being beaten by a monster." I say. Might as well get this started so that it can be ended.
She looks at me for a moment, and shakes her head gently, a slow smile building on her lips. "It's not nearly as terrible as you might think. If anything, you're proving me right. Then again, if
I had won, I'd still be right."
"Is that so?"
"Certainly." She closes her eyes, and tries to shift her position a little, wincing and sucking air in sharply as she does. She opens them again, her expression calm. "If you hadn't beaten me, I would win simply for proving myself stronger than a youkai in personal combat. That I have lost against you simply proves that youkai are too destructive to be allowed to do as they so please, and my initial claim is then proved correct."
She chuckles. "You see? Even when I lose, I win."
I take this in for a few moments, considering her words carefully, and then chucking them out the window.
"So... what I'm gathering from all this," I tell her, gesturing at her and the shrine in general, "Is that despite you and your gods getting soundly thrashed, you haven't learned your lesson."
The green girl giggles. "I have no lesson to learn, my little runaway."
"The hell you don't." I take a step closer to her, and jab a finger at her. "You see, we youkai don't necessarily
want your 'help.' If we had a problem, we'd have done something about it ages ago."
The smile disappears, replaced by sadness. She nods. "Spoken like a true addict," she says softly. "As expected."
I blink at her.
She's still on about that?
"An addict?" I ask, almost wonderingly, as I look at her in a new light. "You're... You really, truly,
are serious about that, aren't you? I mean, I saw your room, and I saw your books, and I heard what you said a week ago or so, but..."
I laugh, almost in disbelief.
"...but you're genuinely serious. You actually
believe that crazy..." I wave my hands, trying to think of a word, but nothing seems demeaning enough. "...
idea?"
The miko's eyes narrow, and even in her broken, battered, bruised, and crippled state, she manages to draw herself up with an air of deadly seriousness. "Of course I'm serious," she tells me, her gaze piercing my own. "If you can't be serious about such a thing, then any commitment of belief you make towards a plan is
worthless."
I'm silent.
"I believe in this plan, this project," she says. Her voice is not beautiful right now so much as powerful. It is a good voice for making speeches, and she would probably have had a decent career as a politician, had she chosen to pursue such a thing. "I believe in myself and my ability to carry it out. I believe in my ideas, I believe in my gods, and I believe that we will bring this thing to fruition."
I keep quiet. I want to hear this.
"I believe in the inherent worth of our project, and in the goals it seeks to accomplish. I believe that it will bring about much, much more good than ill by the time it is at last complete, and I believe that sooner or later, even those who doubted me will thank me, when they look within themselves, and realize that they are better for having participated. I believe that this will be good not only for me and my gods, but for Gensokyo as a whole. I believe that anyone who knew what I knew would be able to recognize the importance of this project."
"How about in the here and now?" I say when she pauses. "How about the people like me who don't take kindly to the downright
barbaric shit you've done to me?"
She closes her eyes, and that smile returns, faint but present. "I try to think in the long term, my little runaway. What happens in the now is sad and unfortunate, and certainly should have been approached differently. Nevertheless, the concept has been shown to be sound. Succeeding on the very first try almost never happens, and I was prepared to deal with this from the outset. But the groundwork has now been laid, and things can proceed much more smoothly from here on out."
"Bullshit. It's going to take you ages to recover from today." I take another step closer, and my fists clench. What is
wrong with her? Does she not realize how screwed she is?
"Not at all. You underestimate my conviction, little runaway. Believe me with every ounce of your soul when I say that I will never,
ever stop. How could I live with myself if I did? I have the power to help every last person living in Gensokyo for the better, human and youkai alike. I
know that I can do this, and nothing will keep me from doing it. I no longer do this for myself, or for my gods, but for this land and everyone in it. I want to help, to nourish, to nurture, and to bring about a lasting sense of harmony and coexistence."
She opens her eyes again, and turns those golden orbs on me. I almost flinch from the intensity of her stare.
"If you knew you had the power to make everyone's life safer, happier, and better," asks the green girl, "Wouldn't
you do it, no matter who stood in your way or what happened to you?"
I sit there, transfixed by her words.
As I thought, back on the hillside in the bamboo forest
But never really truly knew, not for certain until now she is not insane.
She is incredibly,
viciously sane.
Such sanity is like a knife of utmost clarity, cutting through confusion, deception, appearances, convention, normality, reasoning, and decency. Whatever stands before it is cut, be it God, Buddha, or her fellow man.
All that matters is her dream, her plan, her mission, her ideals.
Everything else becomes secondary to the overwhelming, horrifying power of sheer and unrestricted sanity.
This only looks like insanity from the outside of her mind, because it is so sane that it has curved around and come back the other side.
This is the power of faith.
It's... really something.
I become aware that at some point, my fingers seem to have wrapped themselves around the handle of my knife.
But it's clear to me what I must do, even if I don't want to do it.
[ ] Radio Four is static
[ ] by the legacy of these
fools! ________________________________________________________________________________
>>112994 So did you ever find it?