Fell !eU97cKEiBQ 2010/04/23 (Fri) 01:50 No. 116804 ▼ File 127198743873.jpg - (1.21MB, 1142x1616 , ckan(n)onical ending.jpg)
[☂] by the legacy of these fools!
I think I don't want to do this only because I am thinking of what is to come.
My life will be over soon after this business is concluded; I'm fairly certain of that.
But all the same, I cannot let this moment pass me by. I didn't go through hell and back and hell again and again and then blow the assholes holding me down in half just to give up now.
My moment of reckoning is finally at hand.
Hunkering down on one knee in front of the green girl, I look her over for a quiet minute as I regroup and get my thoughts in order, trying to clearly formulate what I want to say.
She watches me back, not making a move. Her stillness could be borne of arrogance, confidence, confusion, or possibly even the simple acceptance of her fate. I don't know which, and as long as she doesn't pull any further bullshit, I'm happy not caring.
My voice is calm, gentle, and composed when I finally begin to speak. A quiet feeling of controlled fury drives me, but it stays out of my voice. It resides in my mind, not in my tone.
This is far trickier than it sounds. Sooner or later, people sound like what they're thinking, whether they mean to or want to or not. Those that don't are either terrified or soulless, uncaring bastards.
And even then, it will eventually come through. No matter how much control they think they have, something will slip.
I just need to keep it together for a few minutes.
Should be doable. Right?
...God, I hope so.
"Let me tell you something about compassion and generosity," I say to her. She looks a little confused; a philosophical talk probably isn't what she expected.
That's just perfect for me. A confusion is fine, too.
"They are good and wonderful things, both of them. I know that, you know that. But forget that part of it for a moment, and just think about them conceptually. Eventually, you realize that the most interesting thing about them is that they are human virtues."
I smile and hold a finger up as she begins to speak. "Ah-ah, my turn to talk... for once." I wag a finger at her, and continue.
It's interesting, having a captive audience. I might feel bad about this if I wasn't looking forward to it so hard.
"...Now, that isn't to say that these virtues are found solely in humans, or that humans have any kind of exclusive claim to them. That's the funny thing, see? In Gensokyo, the majority of the youkai population walk, live, eat, breathe, live, and die in a mostly human form."
She frowns slightly. "I'm pretty sure I've—"
The green girl receives a poke to her hip with the sharp end of my lance, and the rest of her sentence dies off in a bitten-back cry of pain. He must have been going awful fast to break her pelvis, too.
Like I said, solid work.
"I'm the one with the talking stick," I tell her, unable to keep back a smile. "So shhhhh, okay? ...Now, yes, you're right. Not all youkai look human, certainly. But most of us do, most of the time. Still, it's weird, don't you think? I know you must have wondered about this, yourself. You only came to Gensokyo sometime in the last 5 or ten years or something; isn't that so? So you must have wondered why, in a land full of great big terrible monsters from legends and ghost stories, all of these creatures turn out to look human-y?"
She nods uneasily, slowly, biting her lip. Good to know I'm not the first person to wonder about this. Not so good is discovering who the second is. But when you want to ponder big, strange, curious questions about things you take for granted, the best way is to look at them from the perspective of someone from outside the situation. But when the situation is the nature of the very world you live in, well... a literal outsider is what you need.
As for me, I just like to wonder a lot. Like and liked, both, really, but I obviously haven't had a lot of free time to do that, lately.
Been sort of busy, and all.
Though, in a few minutes, I'll be rid of the source of busy-ness.
And soon after that... I probably won't need to be concerned about being busy ever again.
Or about much of anything.
"I mean, a night sparrow should look like a bird, right? Oni should be large, red and hideous, tengu should be filthy and have long noses, and kappa are supposed to wear a leaf full of water on their head and be obsessed with grabbing a fairytale meatball out of your ass."
Chuckling softly, I smile at her, and shake my head.
"...But for whatever reason, that's just not how things are, here in Gensokyo. The night sparrow has wings and feathery bits, but she looks otherwise human. The oni have horns, and chains, and alcohol, but they look otherwise human. The tengu wear those ludicrous shoes, and have wings or tails or wolf ears, but they look otherwise human. And the kappa like wearing hats, but they aren't bald, and they have no real interest in any meatballs in anyone's ass."
There's a little pause in my rambling as I snicker at the strange thought. Even she smiles a little, though it disappears quickly.
Who the hell came up with the notion of shirikodama, anyway? Somebody with no knowledge of anatomy and a hankering for asses, is my guess. There's nothing there, and it's a commonly known fact. After all, most youkai get pretty good at human anatomy, early on... or at least, parts of it.
You have to know where the tastiest pieces and choicest cuts are, after all.
I'm a little rusty on that, though.
"The point of this," I say, picking up the thread of conversation again, "Is that even the non-human people of Gensokyo tend to look human anyway. Nobody knows why, and I don't think anybody questions it anymore, let alone thinks much about it, but damned if it isn't true."
I try not to sound too frustrated about that. It's only part of what I'm getting to, so there's no sense in getting sidetracked. Need to stay focused.
She's staying plenty focused. I wonder how much of that is because of the dangerous predicament she's in, and how much is her own personal interest in this sort of thing. It does seem to be right up her alley.
...It's kind of a shame she went down the path that she did. I could see myself being good friends with her.
Unfortunately, she sort of hunted me down a lot and kind of did a little repeated killing and torturing. So fuck her, and fuck what could have been. It didn't happen, and I need to deal with this, the world I'm in.
"But, as a result of this weird... thing," I say, waving my hand around vaguely to indicate the situation or phenomenon, or whatever, "It's not really all that shocking that we youkai have come to accept several human things as our own. They have become just as much a part of us and now help make up what defines us. Even the most monstrous youkai will still usually wear clothing, even if it's only a loin cloth and a jacket. Forget the really obvious, material things for a moment, though. Beyond such outwardly visible things, we've also come to accept several human values and human virtues as..."
I pause, thinking of the term.
"...Natural?" says the green girl, hesitantly.
"...Yeah, natural. Like, they're a given." I look back at her, and frown. "...I'll let the talking slide this time, but hush."
She nods silently.
Good girl.
Won't do you any good, though.
I reach out, and touch her face, softly.
The desire, the urge, the need to bare my claws and simply tear it off is very, very, very great.
But.
She wanted me to be civilized.
I shall give her civility, then. I shall give her the civility she wants does not want didn't want that kind but exactly this kind the worst best favorite hated kind.
My kind. My kind's kind.
"All of that leads up to this: I will admit that I feel pity for you, that you cannot see beyond your own sight and past your own visions. Pity is one of those human virtues, and not one that is classically popular among youkai. Nevertheless, I feel it for you, and I feel it deeply."
...Where are these words even coming from? I'm not a poet, and this is definitely not poetry.
But I know what this is, even if I don't know the source: It is what needs to be said.
Not only that, it is what needs to be said in a way that she will hear and understand and know and believe.
She cannot help doing so.
"I understand your dream, and I understand your fervor," I tell her, gently tracing a finger along her features. "I feel sympathy, for I know what it is like to want something, want it with every last piece of your soul, want it so hard that you would walk into death's open jaws or presume to order death about simply to attain that goal. Understanding and compassion, too, are human virtues."
She wants to say something, I can tell, but she's almost spellbound; eyes watching me, watching my hand.
Instead, she simply nods.
"The ability to forgive one's enemies in the face of the horror and the pain and the suffering they wrought upon you is an exceptionally human virtue. But this, too, I feel for you."
It is true.
I do forgive her for what she has done.
I understand her drive and ambition.
I feel pity for her.
However.
"...However."
The hand pulls away from her, letting a few green strands fall back into place.
The kind, caring expression on my face hardens into something harsh, unloving, and unyielding. My eyes narrow, and my smile disappears. The hand that touched her falls upon the handle of my knife, gripping it with renewed confidence, and maybe a little eagerness.
Her own eyes widen slightly.
She knows what is coming, and if she does not know, she suspects, which is worse in so many ways.
"...Mercy is another virtue, and it is the culmination of all these that come before it. But that is where my humanity stops. Mercy is not a youkai virtue. We may spare those enemies that we believe worthy, but that is not mercy. That is respect, pure and simple. We do not meaninglessly spare those that have attacked us out of malice. There is no sense in it, and someone that attacks you for their own, selfish, hateful ends is just as likely to do it again the moment you turn your back.
"Respect is shown to worthy enemies, not mindless killers. Not to those who have some use left in this world. And you... you, who assaulted me, killed me, tortured me, hunted me, kidnapped me, sent me fleeing for my life all over Gensokyo..."
A soft, sleek whispering sound can be heard in the moment of otherwise-silence as I draw the knife from its sheath.
Her eyes are wide, betraying her panic, but she holds her chin a little higher, perhaps preparing to accept what is coming, perhaps simply to show a little backbone in the face of adversity.
Neither will be of much good to her.
"Even if what you did truly was for the good of everyone else in Gensokyo, I am she who is not 'else.' This exception takes exception to what you have done. You deserve no mercy, and I will give you none."
A smile forms on my face; short, and tight.
"I shall see you in hell," I say to her.
