Thread 1:
>>123033 Thread 2:
>>124226 Thread 3:
>>124917 Thread 4:
>>125518 Thread 5:
>>126187 Thread 6:
>>126955 Thread 7:
>>127594 Thread 8:
>>128755 Thread 9:
>>129398 Thread 10
>>130134 Thread 11
>>131167 Thread 12
>>132680 In which the attached image says all.
Pyonta. In desperation, you once reached out to touch the minds of distant deities, lurking in shattered dimensions far beyond the Outer Planes of the Great Wheel. One brush with that eldritch sentience, and your mind was stretched and warped, like butter spread over seven-dimensional bread. And now, once again, you taste the miasma of those horrific entities in this
thing, this-
PYONTA! Clashing consonants of an illogical name, not meant for mortal tongues, thunders through the chambers of your soul. Your mind corrodes at the touch of an utterly
alien mind; born of a place far beyond the borders of rational natural law. Unfathomable, unconquerable, infinitely hateful – you know this hat to be your doom.
“Eh?” Suwako says, catching the direction of your empty stare. She touches the Beast lightly. “Okay, it’s silly, but the googly eyes are cute, right~?” She flashes you a charming smile.
THE BEEEEAST! you scream into Suwako’s face at the top of your lungs before tripping over backwards.
“He’s snapped,” Meiling observes flatly.
”THE CHOCOBO WITH A THOUSAND CHIIIIICKS!” you retort wildly as you lurch to your feet and lunge down the hall. “
FLY, YOU FOOLS! You’re faintly aware of people calling your name, but you have attention only for Pyonta, the Beast. Its vile miasma swells, choking you, and you know its wrath is about to blossom. Something small and fast slams into your knees, and you hit the floor hard, sliding a few feet.
“NO! NO!” you scream wildly, tearing at what you assume must be a tentacle.
“Stop, stop,
stop!” Cirno wails through her tears, clutching your knees tightly. “It’s okay, I don’t have a hat, you’re safe, just listen to me!”
You push yourself to your feet and make to stumble away, Cirno still latched to your knees, but Meiling bars the way, standing firm in the center of the hallway. Your eyes fly to her hat, and you suddenly realize you can’t trust her, can’t trust any of them, for they are servants of Pyonta, thralls of the God-Hat.
You are surrounded.
You tear a wand from your pocket with great speed and point it at Meiling, who stands her ground. You hear footsteps coming from behind you and lurch about to menace Suwako and Duke with your weapon. Somebody approaches from behind and you spin about again to ward off Meiling, then back to Suwako and Duke, then back again. Soon you’re spinning wildly as you babble with incoherent terror, feet blurring in a little tapdance because Cirno’s still pinning your knees.
“RUN FOR YOUR MISERABLE LIIIIVES!” you howl, suddenly halting your spin and leveling the wand at Suwako. “RUN AWAY WHILE IT EATS ME! IT’S YOUR ONLY HOPE!”
The blonde goddess advances, bearing upon her brow Pyonta, Ur-Hat with a thousand minions. Its eyes glower with dark wrath, and you know it means to destroy you. You’re surrounded, and mere feet away from the Abomination, borne ever-closer by its dominated servant. A God that masters Gods. What chance do
you have?
Your wand tumbles from nerveless fingers.
You’re out of time.
Strong arms seize you from behind, pinning your limbs. A hand silences your scream.
“Shush,” Meiling murmurs into your ear. “Nobody’s going to hurt you. You’re safe. Just take a deep breath, okay?” Taking deep breaths is kind of hard with Meiling’s arms compressing your ribcage, but you’re in no position to object. At least you’ll have a few seconds to enjoy the redhead’s unique geometries before you’re eaten by a pseudonatural abomination that will digest you for all eternity.
So much for that cup-half-full bullshit.
“Hey, trooper,” Suwako says softly, removing Pyonta from her brow. She tilts the vile creature this way and that, showing it to you, before gently tossing it behind her. “It’s just a hat, honey. And you’re surrounded by friends.”
“MMMMM!” you exclaim through Meiling’s hand, watching as Pyonta’s eyes slowly rise above the line of Suwako’s shoulder.
Duke steps forward and drops one huge hand on your shoulder. “You need fear nothing while I stand by you, old friend,” Duke says reassuringly. “I shall stand ever vigilant against any foe, be it human or hat. None shall dine upon you.”
“MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!” you howl into Meiling’s hand, struggling in vain against the gate-guard’s iron grip, eyes wide. Your angle is just right to see the shadows shifting behind Suwako’s legs.
“That’s right!” Cirno says firmly, eyes still wet. “I’m the strongest, and I won’t let
anything get close enough to eEEEEP!” she shrieks as a slimy tentacle slides up her leg.
“Oh shi-” Suwako manages before the tentacle swings Cirno like a bat, smacking the little goddess in the kisser. The lolis go flying, crashing into the wall some distance down the hall. Duke twirls just in time to catch a blast of eldritch energy full in the face, knocking him clean off his feet. With your would-be protectors laid low, you can see Pyonta standing triumphant, borne upon dozens of tentacles emerging from its underside. The slimy appendages slowly weave and dance as the God-Hat rises to its full height.
“I AM... MADE... MANIFEST!” Meiling lets out a truly terrific shriek directly into your left ear and releases you. Slithering tentacles advance, prompting Meiling to shriek again and firmly clamp her knees together. She retreats at a brisk hop, holding her dress down with both hands.
Pyonta turns its horrid gaze upon you, and you have one long second to contemplate the horror of its true form revealed before a writhing mass of tentacles flicks towards you. You duck adroitly as the appendages
slam into the wall above your head with tremendous force. You apply the age-old maxim “I don’t have to outrun the tentacle monster, I just have to outrun the lolis” and go tear down the hall, screaming incoherently as the
slapslapslap of Pyonta’s many tentacles pursues you.
About then you remember you’re a wizard, and that you should use MAGIC. You scream the first spell that comes into your head with the scant breath you’re not using for flight. No sooner are the words out of your mouth then your feet shoot out from under you and you go tumbling ass-over-teakettle down the corridor. A split second later, a terrible eldritch scream echoes through your soul:
“FUUUUUUUUUUU-” And then a thoroughly-grease-coated Pyonta slams into you and together you go hurtling down the corridor.
“FRIIIICTION HAS NO POWWWWER HERREEEE!” you comment. “PHYSICS GOOOO HOOOME GENSYOKO FOR MAGICIAAAAAAAANNNNNSSSSS!” Your hands grasp sadly for the pole of a nonexistant protest sign. Just as you open your mouth to call for the downfall of tyrannical natural law, the Wizonta cannonball smashes full-force though a set of double doors.
Heavy double-doors.
There’s a brief impression of hurtling through a vault-like chamber, majestic weightlessness, perfect grace, BONE-JARRING HYPERPAINFUL SOLID IMPACT WITH WOOD OH FUCK THE
PAIN- -and now we’re
falling-
WHAM! Silence.
You take a second to count your limbs and come up with twenty-three, which seems about right. Turning your head, you see you’re sprawled upon a huge, toppled bookshelf.
“Please wait till the story has come to a full and complete stop, then exit at the rear of the nearest librarian,” you instruct calmly. “If you wish to contact the Shoggoth, knives and live goats are available at the circulation desk.”
With that little matter taken care of, you try sitting up. There’s a crystalline, clashing commotion above, and you look up, where you see Pyonta slowly untangling its tentacles from an elaborate chandelier. Finally freeing itself, you hear a gut-wrenching gurgle of satisfaction, immediately followed by a horrified
SKREEEEEEEEEEEEE as it realizes its altitude. The abomination slams into the floorboards about thirty feet away, making the scattered books bounce.
With difficultly, you stagger upright upon aching knees. Pyonta laboriously pulls itself up upon its tentacles. The Beast turns its horrid eyes upon you, but seems to have trouble focusing, the pupils lazily circling the whites.
Your innate predator’s instincts, buried deep in the subconscious from when Man first walked upright out of the dark forests, sings to you. Not even the taint of madness can corrupt
that. Your enemy is weak - now is the time to strike! Strike with your biggest boom! BOOM GOOD!
Your chaotic thoughts coalesce around the gravitas of this idea. You need big! BIG!
BIG! Thrusting your finger in Pyonta’s general direction, you cast
Summon Monster VI, calling the largest beast you can think of.
A blast of ozone ruffles your robe, a sharp
POP! as the interdimensional rift opens. Pyonta’s circling pupils have just managed to steady on you, and his tentacles are rallying for a lunge-
WHAM! -when the whale lands.
Silence.
A few stray tentacles sticking out from under the whale twitch spasmodically, but the huge creature doesn’t budge.
Some seconds later Suwako appears at the door, peering around the corner cautiously. She takes in the scene for a moment.
“Are... you okay?”
“Hey.”
“What?”
“Hey, Suwako!”
“What?” she says, shrinking behind the doorframe a bit.
“It was SUUUUUPER EFFECTIVE!” You clutch your hands to your chest and giggle madly.
“..... right,” Suwako says meekly. “Uh, good job, champ.”
“Zippity!” you agree, and promptly collapse. As the rest of your companions come running, your thoughts swirl aimlessly...
(Vote for one option in each “category,” separated by the asterisks! Pick the unique blend of mental fallout you wish for!
NONE of this is permanent, the trauma will wear off soon.)
[ ] Get up and casually pretend you kick this kind of ass every day. It’s not far from the truth.
[ ] Get up and dance madly upon your vanquished foe, after blasting it a few more times!
****
[ ] Your mind is still knocked cockeyed from that bizarre encounter, but essentially unchanged.
[ ] THERE IS NO WIZARD THERE IS ONLY ZUUL
****
[ ] Suwako was obviously harboring an alien abomination upon her brow. Demand an explanation!
[ ] Suwako was under Pyonta’s sway! The other hats may yet be its thralls!
