Anonymous 2015/02/04 (Wed) 18:52 No. 184084 >you spent way to long in the Americas.
COME ON MAN
>“Alright, sis, which one came first, egg or chicken?” Your twin sister asks absent-mindedly
'they said' and equivalents after dialogue do not get capitalized. They're part of the same sentence. Dialogue punctuation does not necessarily imply prose punctuation.
>“Well, egg laying animals has been around long before KFC, you know.”
Have been around. Is English not your first language? It's okay if it isn't.
>
“That’s the fifth group of people we’ve passed dressed like that.” You point out. “Maybe there’s a festival?”
When you're following dialogue with 'they said', periods do not go at the end of your dialogue. Commas do. This sentence should be written as follows:
“That’s the fifth group of people we’ve passed dressed like that,” you point out. “Maybe there’s a festival?”
> Seriously sis, you spent way to long in the Americas.”
Should be "Seriously, sis, et cetera blah blah blah." Commas almost always go before names/things people are calling each other in dialogue. Not doing so is to ruin your flow.
>“Festival or not, I’m still interested about the bunch of Canadian Canine Cloud Strifeses flying above us.”
Interested in, not interested about. Also, Jesus Christ, did you just make a FF7 reference? What is this, fanfiction.net?
We have standards.
>You point at the group of tailed humanoid flying around about
Tailed humanoids. It's a group, so it is a plurality of individuals. As such, you use the plural form of the word.
>“Right. It’s egg.”
>“Deer is the predecessor species of chicken?”
While the singular forms of the nouns {egg, chicken} may be in the most technical way correct, it's... extremely awkward. I would suggest making all of these into plural nouns (which, incidentally, doesn't change Deer at all, and I read it as the plural noun in that sentence anyway.)
>“Out of hundred.”
Out of a hundred or out of one hundred. Hundred is one of those words that does not work well on its own, it needs a word preceding it that modifies it, else it sounds and flows awkwardly.
I also think it's grammatically incorrect, but I am not certain on this point.
>“well, fuck you, then.”
Jesus Christ you didn't even proofread this yourself, did you?
>The witty banter of two sisters suddenly got rudely interrupted by the stag screaming.
You switched to past tense in this sentence when the rest of your story is written in present tense. This is jarring to your readers, and is a terrible thing to do. Keep your tenses consistent.
Also, the banter wasn't really all that witty.
I would rewrite this and the next sentence as follows: The witty banter of two sisters suddenly gets rudely interrupted by the stag screaming, “Humans! From the outside!”
As currently written, it implies that the stag screams, and THEN uses words. As I rewrote it, it implies that the stag screamed out the words.
>The two of you look curiously at the stag, though for completely different reason between each of you.
Completely different reasons. Multiple people, multiple reasons. Plural noun.
>“Sis, how much a talking stag would sell in a circus?” your sister asked.
Your 'would' is in the wrong place. You want it before the 'a'. You also need the word 'for' after 'sell. Finally, while you got the post-dialogue capitalization correct (though I believe that you only did so by mistake,) you've run into some redundancy. The first word in the dialogue is 'sis'. Implying the sister. Then, you repeat yourself in the words trailing the dialogue. Unnecessary repetition is a great way to break flow. Repetition can be a useful, powerful tool in prose. Here, it is flow-breaking and jarring. Also, you slipped into past tense again. Pick one tense and stick with it.
Consider a rewrite as such:
“How much would a talking stag sell for in a circus?” your sister asks.
>How the hell is that thing even talk?
How the hell does that thing even talk? Is is the wrong word to use there.
>your sister immediately pins the beast down before it could even start considering trying to stand up.
Before it can even start. Needs to be consistent present tense.
>You watch in mild bemusement as a gloved fist smashes the stag right on the side of the head
>Each of her punches hits the stag right on the snout
Is it the side of the head or the snout? It can't be both and exclusively the snout at the same time.
>causing sickening crunching sound with each strike.
Should read 'causing a sickening crunching sound
'. The definite article 'a' is required.
>and the crunching sound now has turn into a nasty wet sound
Now I'm going to seem like I'm contradicting myself, but I'm not. You want to use the past tense of 'turn', 'turned'. This is because that the verb happened before this line of prose, and as such, even though the story is told in present tense, that verb needs to be past tense.
>You think she already pureed the poor deer skull.
Now here is an unfortunate choice of words. 'Purée' is a word with an accent mark, and even though accent marks are not actually part of the English language, the word still requires them. Also, it would be 'the poor deer's skull', as the deer still possesses the skull. Moreover, stags and deer are different animals. You can't make a stag magically into a deer within one line of prose. Well, you can, but you didn't intend to there.
>“If you suggesting I’m eating that…”
If 'you're' suggesting.
>“Hm. True. We won’t have enough space for dinner, and it’s in bad manner to waste food.”
In bad manners.
>“Touche.”
See above with 'Purée'. The accent mark is required.
>I got brain matters all over my fist.”
Brain matter. Matter does not get the plural 's' appended to it unless it's referring to 'matters' in the sense of 'matters of state', 'matters of the heart', et cetera. Physical matter is always singular.
>“Right. If we assume Darwin was right…”
>“You rhymed.”
That's only acceptable rhyming if you're Lil' Wayne. That nigga rhymes words with themselves. And with 'nigga'. Rhymes are words that sound similar, not the same word.
>way before chickozilla even exist…”
Existed.
>“What.” No. this level of stupidity not even worth the question mark.
I can accept the flat what. I cannot accept the uncapitalized beginning of the sentence. Also, breaking the fourth wall in such a way is poor form. If you're going to break the fourth wall to make a joke, at least make the joke funny.
>You finished your explanation with a dramatic clap of your hands, though your sister doesn’t seem to be that impressed.
Tense issues. Should be 'finish', not 'finished'.
>“Interesting theory.” Your sister comments as she gives you back your pack of wet tissue. “But I think you’re bullshitting me.”
Should be a comma instead of a period, and should not have capitalization on 'your'.
>This question had too much variables.
Too many variables. 'Many' is used for nouns that are countable, like one variable, two variables, et cetera. 'Much' is used for uncountable nouns, like 'too much water'.
>I’d say we just go Schrodinger
His name requires the umlaut over the o, a la Schrödinger.
>“Point a middle finger to the world and say ‘I just locked a kitten and left it to die inside of a fucking cabinet. Do I look like I give a flaming fuckjack?’. how ‘bout that?”
Quotes inside dialogue are punctuated under the exact same rules as dialogue inside quotes. Here, since you have separate, unlinked sentences, it should read as follows:
“Point a middle finger to the world and say ‘I just locked a kitten and left it to die inside of a fucking cabinet. Do I look like I give a flaming fuckjack?’ How ‘bout that?”
>You hear a moan, and your conversation is once again interrupted by the sound of a deer. Though this time the deer sounds less ‘rawr ima eat u’ and more ‘o fuk im gonna die’.
I don't think anyone knows whether or not this is a deer or a stag anymore.
>“Can I start pumping Adamantium inside myself if I eat it?” your sister asks. You are not sure if she was joking.
Adamantium is not a proper noun. As such, you would not capitalize it, unless it's the first word of a sentence.
>“DNA modification through oral means would be difficult.” You say sarcastically, though you’re not sure if she would catch it.
You were doing so well. Needs a comma at the end of the dialogue instead of a period, the 'you' needs to be uncapitalized.
>“please…” The stag moaned from the ground, apparently already regaining most of the use of its voice box. “I have children…”
Just because you're dying is no reason to ignore the rules of capitalization. 'Please' should be capitalized, 'the' should not be.
>“Well, now that changed everything.”
Should be 'that's'.
>“Thank…you…”
Ellipses get used like any other form of punctuation: that is, you should have a space separating the end of the ellipsis from the next word. Should read as: “Thank… you…”
>You can also see fear, or at least you would, if your eyes are capable to perceive the spectrum of fear.
This sentence has problems. One, it's grammatically wrong. Two, you basically wrote "If you could do thing, you'd see thing, but you can't do thing, so you didn't see thing."
Why would you even bother to include that?
>choices
Your capitalization is woefully inconsistent. Fix that. Choices are sentences, even if you don't want to punctuate them at the end. As such, you need to capitalize the first word.
Your technical writing needs work. Get yourself a proofreader, friend-o.
On the content side of things, I see problems already. Your characters are LELRANDUMB and KINDA EDGY and INTELLECTUAL. They just beat the shit out of a deerstag because they could, and then they pulped it. And then it wasn't dead. All the while discussing philosophy.
That may seem cool to you, the writer, as you're looking through the glass at these characters with all your biases. We see them as wholly unlikable people who are given to stupid whims.
But all that said, the only way to get better is to practice. I am not telling you to STOP WRITING AND KILL YOURSELF. No, rather, keep writing, but be aware that you can (and are) fuck(ing) up, and if you can do that, you're already well on your way to improving.
