[X] THAT TOWN IS STILL A TOWN, WHICH IS STILL FULL OF DUDES WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE HANDY IN POINTING YOU TOWARDS YUKARI, BUT THE WEIGHT OF NUMBERS SAYS YES, POTENTIALLY

Chaos cultists or filthy savages? Let the emperor's raging fist decide.

[X] THAT TOWN IS STILL A TOWN, WHICH IS STILL FULL OF DUDES WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT BE HANDY IN POINTING YOU TOWARDS YUKARI, BUT THE WEIGHT OF NUMBERS SAYS YES, POTENTIALLY

[X] WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT A BOAT TEMPLE – THAT'S A FUCKING BOAT TEMPLE AND IT'S FOR FUCKING SURE NOT TO THE EMPEROR, YOU'RE STOPPING IN TO FIX THIS

It's not even a proper gothic cathedral-boat. It's just a shitty boat.

[X] WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT A BOAT TEMPLE – THAT'S A FUCKING BOAT TEMPLE AND IT'S FOR FUCKING SURE NOT TO THE EMPEROR, YOU'RE STOPPING IN TO FIX THIS

[X] WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT A BOAT TEMPLE – THAT'S A FUCKING BOAT TEMPLE AND IT'S FOR FUCKING SURE NOT TO THE EMPEROR, YOU'RE STOPPING IN TO FIX THIS

So, that's two previously-undefeatable touhous who have sufficiently and entirely eaten shit by our fists/feet.

At this point, I think Yukari herself might be the only one left in that league.

[X] WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT A BOAT TEMPLE – THAT'S A FUCKING BOAT TEMPLE AND IT'S FOR FUCKING SURE NOT TO THE EMPEROR, YOU'RE STOPPING IN TO FIX THIS

Not only can we stop the heresy, we can also use the boat to get to Yukari! It's pure genius!

[X] WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT A BOAT TEMPLE – THAT'S A FUCKING BOAT TEMPLE AND IT'S FOR FUCKING SURE NOT TO THE EMPEROR, YOU'RE STOPPING IN TO FIX THIS

ONWARD TO THE NEXT SUPERPOWERED FIST FIGHTING FANNIEFAG ON THE MENU

[X] WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT A BOAT TEMPLE – THAT'S A FUCKING BOAT TEMPLE AND IT'S FOR FUCKING SURE NOT TO THE EMPEROR, YOU'RE STOPPING IN TO FIX THIS

[X] WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT A BOAT TEMPLE – THAT'S A FUCKING BOAT TEMPLE AND IT'S FOR FUCKING SURE NOT TO THE EMPEROR, YOU'RE STOPPING IN TO FIX THIS

Time to confront the dread muscle wizard.

[X] WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT A BOAT TEMPLE – THAT'S A FUCKING BOAT TEMPLE AND IT'S FOR FUCKING SURE NOT TO THE EMPEROR, YOU'RE STOPPING IN TO FIX THIS

Normally I'd tide piss for this option but everyone is pissing with me. True servants of the Emperor all of you.

[X] WHAT OTHER FUCKING PLACES TO VISIT ARE THERE AROUND HERE [WRITE-IN]
-[X] THAT MOUNTAIN IS LOOKING RATHER HIGH AND MIGHTY. AND YOU KNOW THAT HERITICS, ASSHOLES, HERITIC ASSHOLES, AND ASSHOLE HERITICS LOVE SETTING UP SHOP IN HIGH AND MIGHTY PLACES. (Youkai Mountain)

BECAUSE FUCK THAT MOUNTAIN. ALSO, WE NEED A PROPER PLACE FOR THESE IDIOTS TO WORSHIP THE BIG E.

[X] WHAT OTHER FUCKING PLACES TO VISIT ARE THERE AROUND HERE [WRITE-IN]
-[X] THAT MOUNTAIN IS LOOKING RATHER HIGH AND MIGHTY. AND YOU KNOW THAT HERETICS, ASSHOLES, HERETIC ASSHOLES, AND ASSHOLE HERETICS LOVE SETTING UP SHOP IN HIGH AND MIGHTY PLACES.

JUST IMAGINE

ONI ARE COMING TO INVADE THE MOUNTAIN, AND FOR ALL THEIR POWER THEY'RE ONLY A SIDE ATTRACTION

[X] WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT A BOAT TEMPLE – THAT'S A FUCKING BOAT TEMPLE AND IT'S FOR FUCKING SURE NOT TO THE EMPEROR, YOU'RE STOPPING IN TO FIX THIS

I AM SMELLING THAT FRESH STINK OF HERESY TONIGHT!

>There is a distant “Go to hell, Sakuya,” from someone vaguely gatekeeperly, but you don't pay it much mind.

It never gets old, does it?

[X] WHAT OTHER FUCKING PLACES TO VISIT ARE THERE AROUND HERE [WRITE-IN]
-[X] THAT MOUNTAIN IS LOOKING RATHER HIGH AND MIGHTY. AND YOU KNOW THAT HERETICS, ASSHOLES, HERETIC ASSHOLES, AND ASSHOLE HERETICS LOVE SETTING UP SHOP IN HIGH AND MIGHTY PLACES.

Damn, getting attacked by an organized force will be something refreshingly familiar for DOYOU. Time to drill in some tactics.

[X] WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT A BOAT TEMPLE – THAT'S A FUCKING BOAT TEMPLE AND IT'S FOR FUCKING SURE NOT TO THE EMPEROR, YOU'RE STOPPING IN TO FIX THIS

We can attack the filthy mountain youkai next

“SO I RECALL SEEING A PLACE THAT WAS ALSO A BOAT,” you say conversationally, as your expanded convoy walks and floats and hovers along with you stomping ahead at the front. “WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?”

Sakuya raises her voice, maintaining a healthy distance for the sake of her eardrums. “Ah, that's be Myouren Temple, home to the local-”

“FUCKIN' HERETIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICS” you howl, taking off with a POWER LEAP towards the HORRIBLE PLACE in need of a good and proper RELIGIOUS CONVERSION, and if the nerds following you can't keep up, well, that's their OWN FUCKING FAULTS.

FUCKING HERESY, GODDAMN, EMPEROR PRESERVE YOU.
__________

You end up charging through a graveyard first but, disappointingly, the only person you see around here is this one STIFF BITCH with her arms stuck out and a bit of paper stuck on her forehead, and she just floats up and away the moment she sees you (which, admittedly, is NOT AN UNWISE COURSE OF ACTION). Instead, you sprint AROUND GRAVESTONES (these fags may be heretics but without the Emperor's word to have saved them you're willing to give them some POST-MORTEM SLACK until their graves can be properly blessed, assuming they're not TURBO CHAOSY HERETICS), UP STONE PATHWAYS, and TOWARDS the walled-off TEMPLE BOAT.

There is a GATE blocking your advance at the top of this last set of stairs. There is also a GIRL in a STEREOTYPICALLY PINK dress with GREEN HAIR and FLOOFY BROWN EARS. You like her already, especially when she takes one look at you, drops her broom, screams in a hilariously high-pitched voice, and spins about to run for the temple doors, which only serves to give you a glimpse of a FLUFFY TAIL, HNNNNNNGH.

“LADY BYAKU-” she manages to yell, before your POWER LEAP terminates with you smashing into her and her smashing into the ground.

“HEY,” you say on top of her, hand gripping the back of her skull and poised to smash her face into the steps until they're a powder.

“Aaaaaaaa-”

You shove her head against the ground WITHOUT actually smashing her face into paste, in a FANTASTIC display of restraint. “LOOK, YOU'RE FLUFFY, OKAY, I'M WILLING TO GIVE YOU A BIT OF SLACK, BUT YOU GOTTA SHUT UP AND WORK WITH ME, HERETIC.”

She wriggles uselessly, unable to escape your DIRE GRASP. “Are you with the Taoists? You're with the Taoists aren't you oh no no no gods help me-”

“TAOISTS?” You grind her nose into the steps. “THAT SOUNDS KINDA LIKE MORE HERESY TO ME. I'LL DEAL WITH THEM LATER.”

The girl finally stops squirming at this revelation that you are not some kind of TAOIST MOTHERFUCKER, although this may also have something to do with the fact that you're one good push from squishing her skull. “W-what?” she asks, muffled.

“GOD-EMPEROR GIVE ME STRENGTH, YOU'VE GOT EARS LIKE THAT AND YOU STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND THE FUCKING QUESTIONS.”

“I-”

You decide to settle on something even a mutie of her degenerate stature can answer. “SO TELL ME. WHAT DO YOU WORSHIP HERE.”

“I'm- You're- This is-” Her stammering is both UNDERSTANDABLE and TERRIBLY IRRITATING.

“I DON'T CARE HOW FLUFFY YOU ARE IF YOU DO NOT GIVE ME A COHERENT ANSWER BY THE COUNT OF THREE I'M USING YOU TO BATTER THE GATE DOWN.”

“Eeeeeep!”

“ONE.”

She's fuckin' CRYING at this point. “No, please, I-”

“COME ON, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SOLVE THIS. TWO.”

She sucks in a deep breath, and, still panicky, rattles off, “Life is suffering! Suffering is caused by worldly attachments! Only through shedding your desire for material things can true happiness be attained! This is the path to Nirvana!”

HUH. “...IS THERE ANY SHIT ABOUT BLOOD SACRIFICE OR HUGE ORGIES OR DEMON SUMMONING OR OTHER DEGENERATE SHIT.”

“That's kind of the direct opposite of what we're aiming for here!”

“THAT REMAINS TO BE INDEPENDENTLY VERIFIED, BUT OKAY.” You stand up, carrying this little doggo along by the head. “I MEAN, IT'S STILL HERESY, BUT I'M SURE WE CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT WITH THE BIG E SO THAT EVERYTHING IS IN ITS PROPER PLACE. I AM A BEACON OF RIGHTEOUS TOLERANCE, AFTER ALL.”

On cue, the rest of your crew finally catches up at the same time the temple gates burst open and a SHITLOAD of folks come storming out, many of them armed with PRIMITIVE WEAPONRY, except for the leading lady, who instead armed with REALLY WEIRD HAIR and- “THOSE SURE ARE SOME GAZONGALAHOOGS,” you say to the GRADIENT PRIESTESS.

Both sides stop in their tracks. The BOSS OF THIS TEMPLE (you're assuming) blinks, then squints deeply at you. “...Pardon?”

“SOME GREAT BAZONGALONGAS,” you say, squeezing some INVISIBLE FUNBAGS demonstratively with your free hand. “MASSIVE HONKING MACHINES. IMPRESSIVE BADONKADONKS- WAIT, NO, THAT'S THE ASS, FUCK, I'M MIXING UP MY METAPHORS NOW.”

The temple's folks don't seem to know how to take this.

No one on your team does either.
__________

[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT

[X] “ALSO HEY THIS IS MINE NOW.” TOSS THE DOGGO AT YOUR TEAM AND COMMENCE WITH THE WARFIGHTING, BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS HAVE A DESIRE TO PUNCH NO MATTER THE SITUATION

[X] “YOU LOOK APPROPRIATELY IN CHARGE SO WHERE THE FUCK IS YUKARI. ANSWER ME. I WILL SQUISH THE DOG IF YOU DON'T.” YOU WILL NOT ACTUALLY SQUISH THE DOG BECAUSE FLUFFY, BUT THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT

[X] GENIUS TECHNIQUES THAT CAN ONLY BE WRITTEN IN [WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS VOTE IS]
___________

IT SURE IS LIBERATING TO BE A LAZY FUCK WHO ONLY THINKS OF THE DEADLINE AS A SUGGESTION NOW, MMMM, YEAH

[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT

TIME FOR A WHOLESOME RELIGIOUS SHOUTING MATCH

[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT
[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT
[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT
[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT
[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT
[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT
[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT

HERESY% IS TOO HIGH AND ONLY ONE MARINE IS UP FOR THE JOB

[X] "ALSO I NEED TO ASK THE BIG E IF THIS HERESY ISN'T ACTUALLY HERESY AND IS SOMETHING HE CREATED SINCE IT SOUNDS LIKE WHAT SOME OF THE ECCLESIARCHY SPOUTS SO IF ANYONE CAN KNOCK ME OUT OR SOME BULLSHIT THAT CAN PUT ME INTO CONTACT WITH A HIGHER POWER THAT'D BE COOL."

BUDDHISTS ARE ATHEISTS; THE GOD-EMPEROR WAS ALSO AN ATHEIST, EVEN THOUGH HE'S A GOD. FUCK, THE BIG E COULD BE A BUDDHA, SINCE IT'S SAID HE'S BEEN MANY RELIGIOUS FIGURES, AND BUDDHISM IS AN ATHEIST RELIGION; SHIT, HE COULD HAVE BEEN THE BUDDHA, SINCE IT'S SAID THE BUDDHA SAID 'DON'T BE METAPHYSICAL IDIOTS'.

[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT
[X] “ALSO YOU LOOK APPROPRIATELY IN CHARGE SO WHERE THE FUCK IS YUKARI. ANSWER ME. I WILL SQUISH THE DOG IF YOU DON'T.” YOU WILL NOT ACTUALLY SQUISH THE DOG BECAUSE FLUFFY, BUT THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT

Huh, maybe we can get through this without massive property damage and uncountable fatalities









God I hope not

>>195497
Bodhisattva are pretty much gods in Buddhism.

>>195500
It's almost exactly like how the Big E became worshipped as a god though.

[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT

EEMPEROR WILL BE PROUD OF US! MAYBE WE WILL EVEN GET HEADPATS

[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT

[X] “YOU LOOK APPROPRIATELY IN CHARGE SO WHERE THE FUCK IS YUKARI. ANSWER ME. I WILL SQUISH THE DOG IF YOU DON'T.” YOU WILL NOT ACTUALLY SQUISH THE DOG BECAUSE FLUFFY, BUT THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT
Goddamn stay on target

[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT
[X] “ALSO YOU LOOK APPROPRIATELY IN CHARGE SO WHERE THE FUCK IS YUKARI. ANSWER ME. I WILL SQUISH THE DOG IF YOU DON'T.” YOU WILL NOT ACTUALLY SQUISH THE DOG BECAUSE FLUFFY, BUT THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT

[X] “ALSO YOU LOOK APPROPRIATELY IN CHARGE SO WHERE THE FUCK IS YUKARI. ANSWER ME. I WILL SQUISH THE DOG IF YOU DON'T.” YOU WILL NOT ACTUALLY SQUISH THE DOG BECAUSE FLUFFY, BUT THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT

[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT

>>195502
Nah, its not. Or at least only in one branch of buddhism. There are different kind of gods and they are treated as such in the others, even if they have different names. Buddhism is not monotheistic, but it certainly isnt atheistic.

[x] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.”
[x] “ALSO YOU LOOK APPROPRIATELY IN CHARGE SO WHERE THE FUCK IS YUKARI. ANSWER ME. I WILL SQUISH THE DOG IF YOU DON'T.” YOU WILL NOT ACTUALLY SQUISH THE DOG BECAUSE FLUFFY, BUT THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT

>>195495

THAT STILL ONLY COUNTS AS ONE FUCKNUGGET.

[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT

[X] “YOU LOOK APPROPRIATELY IN CHARGE SO WHERE THE FUCK IS YUKARI. ANSWER ME. I WILL SQUISH THE DOG IF YOU DON'T.” YOU WILL NOT ACTUALLY SQUISH THE DOG BECAUSE FLUFFY, BUT THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT

[X] “YOU LOOK APPROPRIATELY IN CHARGE SO WHERE THE FUCK IS YUKARI. ANSWER ME. I WILL SQUISH THE DOG IF YOU DON'T.” YOU WILL NOT ACTUALLY SQUISH THE DOG BECAUSE FLUFFY, BUT THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT

[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT

[X] “ANYWAY WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR? JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.” CONVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT
THIS ISN'T NORMALLY A SPACE MARINE'S WORK, BUT THERE AREN'T EXACTLY ANY NON-HERETICAL PRIESTS AROUND WHO CAN DO IT NOW ARE THERE?

“ANYWAY, TWO THINGS!” You hold up one finger. “THIS AIN'T USUALLY A JOB FOR A SPACE MARINE, BUT ONE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPEROR?”

The boss lady opens her mouth.

“JOKE'S ON YOU YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. TWO!” A second finger joins the first. “YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF THIS PLACE, AND I KEEP ASKING AFTER I BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA EVERYONE INSTEAD OF BEFORE I BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA EVERYONE, SO THIS TIME I AM NOT MAKING THAT MISTAKE.” You lean forward imposingly. “WHERE THE FUCK IS YUKARI?”

The priestess cocks her head, squinting at you. “...I'm not sure you're asking in the right place, sir.”

You draw back. “IF YOU DON'T TELL ME I WILL SQUISH THE DOG.”

She blinks, stricken. “Oh.”

“Lady Byakureeeeeeen!” wails your DOGGO CAPTIVE.

“SHUT UP BEFORE I MAKE YOU,” you tell her, and, thankfully, the doggo shuts up.

“...You can find Yukari at her home in the boundary,” says this Byakuren, eyes flicking between you and the dog, while the rest of her forces (generic goons in robes, mouse-girls and nuns and tiger-striped fools and a fucking SAILOR with an ANCHOR what the FUCK is that even) seethe at you.

“YEAH BUT HOW DO I GET THERE,” you ask the... nun? Fuck it, you'll settle on priestess for now.

She spreads her hands helplessly, her expression apologetic. “Usually you need a guide?”

“WELL CAN ANY OF YOU FUCKS TAKE ME THERE?”

“I'm afraid not.”

“GODDAMMIT.” All the heretics save Byakuren cringe at the force of your yell. You take a few deep breaths to simmer down a tiny bit. “OKAY. OKAY, FINE, I'LL FIGURE SOME SHIT OUT. BUT THAT STILL LEAVES PREACHING TO BE DONE, YOU KNOW? I'MMA GET ON THAT.”

“Can you at least let go of Kyouko, first?” Byakuren asks.

“NO.”

She grimaces. After a moment, though, her expression levels out. “...Allow us a moment to confer, then.”

You glare at her, but she remains unflinching in the face of your barely restrained urge to DESTROY. “...DON'T TRY ANY HERETICAL SHIT, BUT SURE. I'M KEEPING THE DOG THOUGH.”

Byakuren nods. “Yes, yes, understandable.”

“Hijiri!?” gasps your FLUFFY PRIZE. “Don't leave me with him!”

Byakuren turns a smile towards the canine, who isn't soothed at all, but whatever. “Worry not. I have a plan.”

“IT BETTER NOT INVOLVE HERESY OR YOU'LL SEE JUST HOW SAFE THIS BITCH IS WITH AN ACCOMPLISHED SHIT-WRECKER AS MYSELF,” you warn your heretical foes, and with that Byakuren retreats to her crowd of heretics. They huddle up, whispering hurriedly and shooting generally murderous looks your way. As they do that, you turn to your own team and stomp over. “OKAY, BOY AND GIRLS, GATHER 'ROUND, WE'RE HAVING A STRATEGY MEETING. FAIRIES, YOU KEEP WATCH.”

The fairies are admirably quick to provide a protective screen of midgets that don't actually shield you from view at all, but you'll give them points for effort.

“SO,” you say to your assembled troops, “TELL ME WHO WE'RE DEALING WITH HERE.”

Sakuya raises a hand. “Well, you've met Miss Byakuren, head of this Buddhist temple. And also that's a...” Sakuya squints, lowering her hand. “...Miss Kasodani, I see you have there.”

“Hi, Sakuya,” Kyouko says dejectedly.

“YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?”

Sakuya frowns. “There was an... incident.”

“YEAH OKAY WHATEVER I DON'T ACTUALLY CARE TOO MUCH. WHAT THE FUCK IS A BUDDHIST.” You hold up your dogless fist. “NO DON'T ANSWER ACTUALLY. IT'S HERESY. THAT'S ALL I NEED TO KNOW.”

“Yes, but-” Sakuya valiantly begins, and then she shuts up when your fist nearly takes her head off, stopping inches from her face.

“SERIOUSLY SHUT UP, I DON'T NEED TO POLLUTE MY MIND ANY FURTHER WITH KNOWLEDGE OF THIS HEATHEN SHIT. YOU ALL JUST GET READY TO FUCK 'EM UP IF THEY TRY ANY SHITTY BULLSHIT.”

Best Cudgel salutes, still bent out of shape after her time in the pretzel. “Yassuh!”

You get more generalized agreement from most of your team, and at least no disagreement from the less enthusiastic sorts.

“OKAY COOL. YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO, NERDS. NOW HOLD THIS.” You toss the dog at your minions, leaving your hands free as you spin around and march towards the priest lady, your minions clearing out of your path before they're squashed – conveniently, Byakuren's heading for you at the same time. You stop within murdering distance of each other.

She speaks first, smiling faintly. “May I have the... pleasure of knowing who I am speaking to?”

“DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS.”

“I do!” says the blue-haired nun in the back of the heretical crowd, flexing – the effect is lost beneath those flowing robes of hers, though.

“Ichirin?” Byakuren says, still smiling, not taking her eyes off you. “Perhaps not right now?”

“Right, whoops, sorry.” Ichirin, so named, sheepishly ducks her head.

“I AM ALWAYS IN THE MARKET FOR SWOLE RECRUITS ACTUALLY,” you say. “BUT I AM GETTING DISTRACTED FROM THE POINT HERE! WHICH IS TO SAY, STOP BEING BUDDHISTS AND WORSHIP THE EMPEROR INSTEAD, FOR HE IS AWESOME AND YOU SHOULD BE HONORED TO BE HIS SUBJECTS.”

“...The who?” asks Byakuren, the only one of the heretics not clutching their ears right now.

“THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND, FOR WHOM I PURGE ALL XENOS, MUTANTS, AND HERETICS. DUH.”

Byakuren looks over her shoulder at her squad, then back at you, her expression unreadable. “...Does your God-Emperor, ah, have particular views on the subject of youkai?”

“FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, YOU'RE ALL FUCKIN' ABHUMANS. WHICH IS KIND OF LIKE A MUTANT BUT NOT AS BAD. Y'ALL GET PASSES SO LONG AS YOU GIVE THANKS TO THE BIG MAN ON TERRA EVERY NOW AND AGAIN AND PAY SOME TITHES.”

She sighs in apparent relief. “What kind of tithes?”

“WELL, MANPOWER FOR THE GUARD. THRONES, BECAUSE EVERYONE LOVES MONEY. PSYKERS FOR PSYCHIC BULLSHIT. ET CETERA. ALL TO HELP KEEP THE IMPERIUM OF MAN ROLLING ALONG. IN RETURN YOU ARE ENTITLED TO THE PROTECTION FROM HERETICS, XENOS, DAEMONS, AND WHATEVER ELSE WANTS TO FUCKING END YOUR LIFE IN A GODAWFUL FASHION.”

“Well, we haven't had any problems like that, actually!”

“SO FAR, SURE, AND THEN A WARBOSS LANDS ON YOUR PLANET AND EATS EVERYONE. BESIDES THAT THOUGH, IF YOU DO NOT WORSHIP THE EMPEROR, YOU ALSO KIND OF HAVE TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE LIKE ME.” You lean forward. “YOU DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE LIKE ME. I EXIST TO FUCK UP HERESY IN ALL ITS FORMS. I LOVE MY JOB VERY MUCH.”

“...That is quite a lot of blood on you.” Byakuren calmly observes. “I suppose that's related?”

“YEAH I BEAT MY WAY OUT OF THE UNDERGROUND. AND THEN THROUGH A 'SCARLET DEVIL MANSION', WHICH WAS MAJORLY WEAKSAUCE. AND NOW I'M HERE! SO GUESS WHAT'S NEXT ON THE AGENDA IF YOU DON'T CONVERT.”

Byakuren squints at you. “You'll beat your way through my temple?”

“DING DING DING DING DING!” You clap your hands for good measure.

“...I have a better idea,” Byakuren says. Her heretics tense up as if awaiting the signal to try and fuck you up. Byakuren herself, however, just smiles, eyes narrowing. “I challenge you to what is known as... as...” Her smile falters, and then she leans around your huge. “Kyouko, dear, what do you call a musical competition?”

“A rock off?” Kyouko says, hesitantly.

“Yes, that.” Byakuren takes a deep breath, straightens up, turns her attentions back on you, and points threateningly at your face. “I challenge you to a rock off!”

WHAT. “ARE YOU FUCKING REAL?”

“I am the fucking realest,” Byakuren says, nodding severely. There are gasps from all the BUDDHIST HERETICS.

“HOLY SHIT,” you say.
__________

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] ONE ON ONE, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN ROCK OUT WITH THE BEST OF THEM
-[X] WHAT'S THAT? BATTLE OF THE BANDS? WHY DON'T MIND IF YOU DO (SUGGESTIONS WELCOME AS TO WHO ASSISTS YOU)

[X] YOU KNOW WHAT NO ONE EVER EXPECTS WHEN THEY CHALLENGE A MARINE TO ONE CONTEST? THAT MARINE PUNCHING THEM IN THE FACE, SO PUNCH HER IN HER FACE

>“I am the fucking realest,” Byakuren says, nodding severely.

THIS IS THE BEST STORY ON THIS SITE RIGHT NOW.

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] ONE ON ONE, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN ROCK OUT WITH THE BEST OF THEM

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] ONE ON ONE, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN ROCK OUT WITH THE BEST OF THEM
-[X] HEY, SHITRIPPER CAN DOUBLE AS A GUITAR, RIGHT

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] ONE ON ONE, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN ROCK OUT WITH THE BEST OF THEM
-[X] HEY, SHITRIPPER CAN DOUBLE AS A GUITAR, RIGHT

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] ONE ON ONE, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN ROCK OUT WITH THE BEST OF THEM
-[X] HEY, SHITRIPPER CAN DOUBLE AS A GUITAR, RIGHT

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] WHAT'S THAT? BATTLE OF THE BANDS? WHY DON'T MIND IF YOU DO

WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING MINIONS IF THEY DON'T HELP YOU ROCK OUT?

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] ONE ON ONE, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN ROCK OUT WITH THE BEST OF THEM
-[X] HEY, SHITRIPPER CAN DOUBLE AS A GUITAR, RIGHT

OH SWEET EMPEROR YES.

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] ONE ON ONE, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN ROCK OUT WITH THE BEST OF THEM
-[X] HEY, SHITRIPPER CAN DOUBLE AS A GUITAR, RIGHT

THE MARINE CODE PREVENTS US FROM DENYING A ROCK-OFF CHALLENGE

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] ONE ON ONE, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN ROCK OUT WITH THE BEST OF THEM
-[X] HEY, SHITRIPPER CAN DOUBLE AS A GUITAR, RIGHT

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] ONE ON ONE, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN ROCK OUT WITH THE BEST OF THEM

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] ONE ON ONE, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN ROCK OUT WITH THE BEST OF THEM
-[X] HEY, SHITRIPPER CAN DOUBLE AS A GUITAR, RIGHT

IF WE WIN, ITS BECAUSE THE EMPEROR WILLED IT SO WE GET TO KICK HER ASS AFTERWARD FOR BEING A WEAKASS PUSSY. IF SHE WINS, IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S A HERITIC WHO GOT HELP FROM THE EMPERORS CHILDREN AND SLAANEESH, SO WE GET TO KICK HER ASS FOR BEING A HERETICAL PUSSY.

EITHER WAY WE GET TO KICK ASS.

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] WHAT'S THAT? BATTLE OF THE BANDS? WHY DON'T MIND IF YOU DO

ANGRILY PISSING AGAINST THE TIDE.

ANYONE REMEMBER THE BUDDHIST NAVY SEAL COPYPASTA THAT POPPED UP IN /blue/ A WHILE BACK? SOMEONE SHOULD POST IT. SEEMS APPROPRIATE.

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] ONE ON ONE, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN ROCK OUT WITH THE BEST OF THEM
-[X] HEY, SHITRIPPER CAN DOUBLE AS A GUITAR, RIGHT

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] ONE ON ONE, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN ROCK OUT WITH THE BEST OF THEM
-[X] HEY, SHITRIPPER CAN DOUBLE AS A GUITAR, RIGHT
DID SOMEBODY SAY MUSIC EPISODE?!?!?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjIVkl34Vig
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YtGaba6rR4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jgrCKhxE1s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRt54xjIq7w
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdCpF8o5LUo

>"I am the fucking realest."
If this wasn't already my favorite story, that'd have pushed it up to the #1 slot.

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] ONE ON ONE, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN ROCK OUT WITH THE BEST OF THEM
-[X] HEY, SHITRIPPER CAN DOUBLE AS A GUITAR, RIGHT

[X] THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU CAN SAY NO TO THIS
-[X] ONE ON ONE, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN ROCK OUT WITH THE BEST OF THEM

IT IS TIME TO D-D-D-D-DUEL!

“THE MARINE CODE PREVENTS ME FROM DECLINING A ROCK-OFF CHALLENGE,” you say, actually not at all upset by this because FUCK YEAH, ROCK OFF. “WHAT ARE YOUR TERMS? WHAT'S THE CATCH?”

Byakuren's gaze is level. “If I win, you must release my disciple, leave this place, and never return.”

You snort. “AND WHEN I WIN?”

The priestess's smile flattens out when she speaks again. “Then you can take Kyouko with you wherever you go.”

“What?!” Kyouko shrieks.

Byakuren shakes her head grimly. “It's the only choice I have. But it won't come to that.”

“IT ACTUALLY WILL COME TO THAT,” you say, “BUT REGARDLESS, HERE'S MY COUNTER-OFFER. I GET THE DOG. AND THEN I GO THROUGH THIS TEMPLE YOU GOT, DELIVER A GOOD AND PROPER SERMONIZING, AND EXPOUND ON THE VIRTUES OF THE EMPEROR. I MAY ALSO PICK OUT MORE FLUFFY MUTIES FOR MY ARMY, WHO KNOWS.”

Byakuren's narrowed eyes don't stray from yours. “Will you attack any of my disciples in the process?”

“ONLY IF YOU SHITS PROVOKE ME.”

She nods. “All right, deal.” The monk glances aside at her groupies. “Shou? Bring me my... no, no, the shamisen won't do for this one. Bring out the guitar.”

“Yes, Byakuren!” The tiger-striped bitch hustles off.

“CAPTAIN, MY SHIT-RIPPER?” you demand, holding your hand out. Karin bustles on up, carrying the Elly, and passes her to you. “THANKS.”

The fairy salutes briefly, and then returns to your army. You set to work retooling your SHIT-RIPPER a bit, carefully peeling off little bits of sunflower stalk binding her in place, then string them up Elly's body all proper-like. Once you're done, you give the finished product a quick strumming; the resulting thick, heavy twanging is PERFECT for your needs.

“This doesn't make any sense!” Elly whines, wriggling uselessly.

“LOOK, SHUT UP,” you tell her, “YOU'RE GONNA BE A PART OF MUSICAL HISTORY IN THIS PLACE. THERE WILL BE BOOKS ON IT. YOU WILL BE REMEMBERED WELL.”

“That doesn't address my objection in the slightest!” she protests, but you just ignore her at this point as Shou returns, bearing a wooden acoustic guitar.

“All right,” Byakuren says, the picture of calm. “Musical Squad, assemble.”

“DON'T YOU DARE THINK OF TRYING SOMETHING SHITTY,” you growl, as tiger, sailor and nun all take up positions around the monk. “I'M WARNING YOU.”

“I'm merely gearing up,” Byakuren says, glancing between the three assistants tensed for action. “Don't worry, they won't play a part in anything after this.”

“I'LL BE FUCKING WATCHING.”

“Very well.” Byakuren shuts her eyes, inhaling sharply through her nostrils. She thrusts an arm out. “Shou!” The tiger twat flashes by, arming Byakuren with her six-string. “Murasa!” The sailor leaps into action, flying past Byakuren, and leaves the priestess sporting a pair of BITCHIN' SUNGLASSES. “Ichirin!” The blue nun sweeps in, ripping Byakuren's robe off to reveal BLACK BIKER GEAR, WHAT. “Everyone ready?!” Her goons all hurriedly back up; once they're out of the way, Byakuren slams her boot into the stone steps hard enough that YOU feel it, lifting an arm triumphantly into the air. “Let the rock off... BEGIN!”

Her arm sweeps down, rainbow-colored squares trailing it, and the moment her hand touches the guitar is the moment you're damn near blasted off your feet by a wave of sound that doesn't sound like an acoustic guitar AT-FUCKING-ALL. You hold your ground through the power of HUGE even as your minions howl in dismay, most of them sent flying by the mighty ROCK that is currently assailing you. The crowd behind Byakuren goes WILD, hollering and hooting and cheering support for their leader, whose fingers dance over those strings like goddamned MAGIC.

“This is the Sorceror's Sutra Six-String!” she belts out, her voice perfectly clear even over the ROCKIN' MELODIC BEATDOWN she's laying on you. Her eyes open once again, meeting yours without fear, as a grin of supreme confidence spreads across her face. “Consider yourself honored as the first challenger I deem worthy of facing it!”

“FUCKING INCREDIBLE,” you grind out through grit teeth, and mean it, hands falling into place over the SHIT-RIPPER: GUITAR EDITION to COUNTER-ROCK a tune that will be the MOST METAL THING any of these heretics have ever heard. You wouldn't have bothered really trying before, having assumed this was going to be an easy win, but no, Byakuren's actually going to make you WORK FOR IT.

THIS IS TOTALLY FINE WITH YOU.
__________

[X] WINNING THE CROWD IS HALF THE BATTLE - RALLY YOUR MINIONS THROUGH THE POWER OF VOCALS, TO FIGHT HER TEAM'S EXUBERANCE WITH YOUR OWN

[X] FOCUS YOUR MIGHT ENTIRELY ON OUTPLAYING BYAKUREN, FOR YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE TO WIN THIS BUT PURE SKILL

[X] THIS IS A ROCK OFF, BUT NOWHERE DOES IT SAY YOU CANNOT FIGHT SCYTHE-GUITAR-TO-REGULAR-GUITAR, TOO – AND EVEN IF THAT DOESN'T PAN OUT SOMEHOW, IT'LL BE TOTALLY RADICAL

[X] WINNING THE CROWD IS HALF THE BATTLE - RALLY YOUR MINIONS THROUGH THE POWER OF VOCALS, TO FIGHT HER TEAM'S EXUBERANCE WITH YOUR OWN

HOLY EMPEROR ON HIS THRONE, I ACTUALLY SQUEALED READING THIS! THE AWESOME LEVELS ON THIS THREAD ARE ROCKETING OFF THE CHARTS!

[X] FOCUS YOUR MIGHT ENTIRELY ON OUTPLAYING BYAKUREN, FOR YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE TO WIN THIS BUT PURE SKILL

WE'RE NO NOISE MARINE, BUT WE GOT THIS SHIT ANYWAY.

[X] FOCUS YOUR MIGHT ENTIRELY ON OUTPLAYING BYAKUREN, FOR YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE TO WIN THIS BUT PURE SKILL
[X] ACTUALLY, WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T GIVE THEM A LYRICAL PREVIEW OF THE GOOD WORD OF THE BIG E

[X] FOCUS YOUR MIGHT ENTIRELY ON OUTPLAYING BYAKUREN, FOR YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE TO WIN THIS BUT PURE SKILL
[X] ACTUALLY, WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T GIVE THEM A LYRICAL PREVIEW OF THE GOOD WORD OF THE BIG E

C'MON BIG E, NOW IT'S TIME TO BLOW DOORS DOWN

[X] FOCUS YOUR MIGHT ENTIRELY ON OUTPLAYING BYAKUREN, FOR YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE TO WIN THIS BUT PURE SKILL
[X] ACTUALLY, WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T GIVE THEM A LYRICAL PREVIEW OF THE GOOD WORD OF THE BIG E

I HEAR YOU DOYOU NOW IT'S TIME TO BLOW DOORS DOWN

[X] FOCUS YOUR MIGHT ENTIRELY ON OUTPLAYING BYAKUREN, FOR YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE TO WIN THIS BUT PURE SKILL
[X] ACTUALLY, WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T GIVE THEM A LYRICAL PREVIEW OF THE GOOD WORD OF THE BIG E

[X] FOCUS YOUR MIGHT ENTIRELY ON OUTPLAYING BYAKUREN, FOR YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE TO WIN THIS BUT PURE SKILL
Let's leave the indoctrination until we have won their hearts.

[X] FOCUS YOUR MIGHT ENTIRELY ON OUTPLAYING BYAKUREN, FOR YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE TO WIN THIS BUT PURE SKILL

[X] WINNING THE CROWD IS HALF THE BATTLE - RALLY YOUR MINIONS THROUGH THE POWER OF VOCALS, TO FIGHT HER TEAM'S EXUBERANCE WITH YOUR OWN

[X] FOCUS YOUR MIGHT ENTIRELY ON OUTPLAYING BYAKUREN, FOR YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE TO WIN THIS BUT PURE SKILL


IT TAKES A FUCKING MOMENT TO SHOUT FOR YOUR FUCKING TEAM TO START!

DO YOU EVEN LIFTIMUS!?

YES WE EVEN LIFTIMUS!!

BOOM! INTRO! GUITARS!

SAVE THE LYRICING AS A LAST RESORT IN THE UNLIKELY EVENT OF NOT ROCKING HARD ENOUGH.

[X] FOCUS YOUR MIGHT ENTIRELY ON OUTPLAYING BYAKUREN, FOR YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE TO WIN THIS BUT PURE SKILL

This is great.

[X] FOCUS YOUR MIGHT ENTIRELY ON OUTPLAYING BYAKUREN, FOR YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE TO WIN THIS BUT PURE SKILL
[x] SERVANTS OF THE EMPEROR! JOIN ME WITH BACK UP VOCALS!

I'M THE ONE ON TOP, I'M THE ONE WHO WRIGHTS HISTORY, YEAH! (YEAH!)
YOU CAN'T STOP THE RHYTHM OF VICTORY
AND I CAN FEEL IT ALL AROUND ME!
GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT, THIS MACHINE IT KEEPS MOVING, YEAH! (YEAH!)
BREAKING DOWN, WHILE I GET DOWN!
YOU CAN'T STOP LOSING AND I CAN'T STOP GROOVING!

[X] FOCUS YOUR MIGHT ENTIRELY ON OUTPLAYING BYAKUREN, FOR YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE TO WIN THIS BUT PURE SKILL
[X] ACTUALLY, WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T GIVE THEM A LYRICAL PREVIEW OF THE GOOD WORD OF THE BIG E

[X] FOCUS YOUR MIGHT ENTIRELY ON OUTPLAYING BYAKUREN, FOR YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE TO WIN THIS BUT PURE SKILL
[X] ACTUALLY, WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T GIVE THEM A LYRICAL PREVIEW OF THE GOOD WORD OF THE BIG E

WE ARE THE GODS OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER
WE ARE THE SOLDIERS, THE LEGION OF LIGHT
WE ARE THE CENTER, THE DEATH OF THE SUN
FIRE AND FLAME
WE ARE ONE

[X] WINNING THE CROWD IS HALF THE BATTLE - RALLY YOUR MINIONS THROUGH THE POWER OF VOCALS, TO FIGHT HER TEAM'S EXUBERANCE WITH YOUR OWN

SHE WENT WITH TECHNICAL SKILL SO TRYING TO BEAT HER ON THAT IS DUMB, AND THE WRITE-IN IS BLATANT CHEATING BY VOTING FOR TWO CONTRADICTORY OPTIONS. I WILL BE VERY DISAPPOINTED IF WE DON'T GET PUNISHED FOR IT.

[X] FOCUS YOUR MIGHT ENTIRELY ON OUTPLAYING BYAKUREN, FOR YOU NEED NOTHING ELSE TO WIN THIS BUT PURE SKILL
[X] ACTUALLY, WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T GIVE THEM A LYRICAL PREVIEW OF THE GOOD WORD OF THE BIG E

>>195588
THIS RIGHT HERE!LETS GET SOME MARTIAL INDUSTRIAL GOING, WITH EMPEROR APPROVED LYRICS AKA SEREMONS PRAISING HOW FUCKING AWESOME HE IS IN COMPARISON TO EVERYTHING ELSE!
WE ARE NOT BOUND BY SILLY THINGS LIKE AVAILABLE INSTRUMENTS, IF THEY ARE USING THEIR SORCERY TO MAKE MUSIC WE CAN DO THE SAME THROUGH OUR FAITH IN THE BIG-E COUPLED WITH UNYIELDING ANGER!

>>195588
Arditi > Triarii

It's taking a terrible amount of effort to simply stay on your feet, and you haven't even BEGUN to rock back at Byakuren – but your people need reassurance in the face of this MIGHTY ADVERSARY. “SERVANTS OF THE EMPEROR!” you roar, overwhelming even this sea of sound washing over you. “DO YOU EVEN FUCKING LIFTIMUS?!”

The answering cry is weak at first, barely audible over the music. You're not letting it slide that easily, though. “I CAN'T FUCKING HEAR YOU! STAND TALL! STAND PROUD! SAY IT AGAIN, YOU FUCKS!”

You spare a look over your pauldron to see everyone in your team catching each other, supporting each other, pulling together – some more enthusiastically than others, to be sure (Big Papa is a fucking ROCK IN THE STORM, for example), but they're fucking WORKING TOGETHER. The non-fae in your army lend their support to keeping the fairies from being blown away, who in turn all band together to scream one thing, as loud as they can – “YES WE DO EVEN FUCKING LIFTIMUS!”

You are filled with MOTHERFUCKING PRIDE. “THAT'S MORE LIKE IT! THIS ONE'S FOR YOU!”

And so, bolstered with newfound resolve thanks to your minions PROPERLY FULFILLING THEIR ROLES, you LAY INTO YOUR GUITAR with FURIOUS SPEED, burning through chords to unleash the power of METAL with a guitar that really shouldn't WORK IN THE LEAST, but FUCK IT, this is GENSOKYO – at this point, you either go with the stupid shit or fucking DIE, and you're still here, so clearly you're doing the former. Your answering wave of METAL crashes against Byakuren's ROCK with an actual, PHYSICAL impact, and this time it's BYAKUREN'S GOONS who are bowled over as this musical clash progresses.

The biker-monk's grin is tempered by your resistance, but she doesn't falter in the least – in fact, if anything, she starts taking this seriously too. Her eyes (just barely visible through those sunglasses) screw shut, and then it's like she's tapped into some hidden musical force inside her. You thought the way her fingers moved was magical BEFORE, but now they're a blur, dancing across strings and unleashing a tune that you would never believe possible to be played by mortal hands.

“SO THAT'S HOW IT IS, HUH?” you grind out, being driven back across the tiles by inches. There's clearly only one answer to this – LYRICAL ACCOMPANIMENT. “WHERE THERE IS UNCERTAINTY, I SHALL BRING LIGHT!”

You lay upon your guitar a POWER STRUMMING the likes of which CRACKLE with TECHNOLOGICAL MIGHT, lending an ELECTRIC EDGE to your music.

“WHERE THERE IS DOUBT, I SHALL SOW FAITH!”

You take a MIGHTY STEP forward, pushing through the power of Byakuren's ROCKING OUT with the strength of your HOLY WORDS.

“WHERE THERE IS HERESY, I SHALL SPREAD REDEMPTION!”

With the roars of both crowds blending into one meaningless mass of noise, Byakuren steps forth to meet you, brows drawn tight, teeth clenched, fingers blitzing through chords.

“I AM THE EMPEROR'S WILL MADE MANIFEST!”

Another step you take is another step Byakuren matches, leaving the two of you locked scythe-guitar-to-regular-guitar. You push down on her, taking the deepest breath you can manage with your MASSIVE LUNGS, and then unleash a scream that can be heard THROUGHOUT GENSOKYO.

“AND I FIND YOU WANTING!”

Byakuren is sent skidding back, grimacing, nearly teetering over as all her disciples are slammed up against the temple walls – and then her hands GLOW with power, every single note from her guitar AMPLIFIED to such a level that the force knocks one of your feet out from under you, dropping you to a knee before you dig in and HOLD YOUR GROUND.

“DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS!” she belts out at a volume to match your own, yet without any of the rage that colors your voice. “KNOW THAT YOU ARE BEATEN THIS DAY!”

“FUCK THAT!” you howl back, still JUST hanging in there. You are NOT fucking it up now, not when all those little shits behind you are STILL GIVING IT THEIR FUCKING ALL. “I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!”
__________

[X] NO MORE WORDS - THROUGH SKILL AND THROUGH WILL, YOU WILL OUTPLAY THIS BITCH EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DIE IN THE PROCESS

[X] PREACH IT, BATTLE-BROTHER – URGE YOUR ARMY ON, FOR EVERY LAST BIT OF SOUND YOU CAN MUSTER MAY BE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VICTORY AND DEFEAT

[X] PREACH IT, BATTLE-BROTHER – URGE YOUR ARMY ON, FOR EVERY LAST BIT OF SOUND YOU CAN MUSTER MAY BE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VICTORY AND DEFEAT

[X] PREACH IT, BATTLE-BROTHER – URGE YOUR ARMY ON, FOR EVERY LAST BIT OF SOUND YOU CAN MUSTER MAY BE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VICTORY AND DEFEAT
[X] THAT INCLUDES YOU SHITRIPPER, START WAILING IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE

[X] PREACH IT, BATTLE-BROTHER – URGE YOUR ARMY ON, FOR EVERY LAST BIT OF SOUND YOU CAN MUSTER MAY BE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VICTORY AND DEFEAT

[X] PREACH IT, BATTLE-BROTHER – URGE YOUR ARMY ON, FOR EVERY LAST BIT OF SOUND YOU CAN MUSTER MAY BE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VICTORY AND DEFEAT
[X] THAT INCLUDES YOU SHITRIPPER, START WAILING IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE

[X] NO MORE WORDS - THROUGH SKILL AND THROUGH WILL, YOU WILL OUTPLAY THIS BITCH EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DIE IN THE PROCESS

UNLIMITED TIDE PISSING WORKS

[X] PREACH IT, BATTLE-BROTHER – URGE YOUR ARMY ON, FOR EVERY LAST BIT OF SOUND YOU CAN MUSTER MAY BE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VICTORY AND DEFEAT

[X] PREACH IT, BATTLE-BROTHER – URGE YOUR ARMY ON, FOR EVERY LAST BIT OF SOUND YOU CAN MUSTER MAY BE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VICTORY AND DEFEAT

[X] PREACH IT, BATTLE-BROTHER – URGE YOUR ARMY ON, FOR EVERY LAST BIT OF SOUND YOU CAN MUSTER MAY BE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VICTORY AND DEFEAT
[X] THAT INCLUDES YOU SHITRIPPER, START WAILING IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE

[X] PREACH IT, BATTLE-BROTHER – URGE YOUR ARMY ON, FOR EVERY LAST BIT OF SOUND YOU CAN MUSTER MAY BE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VICTORY AND DEFEAT
[X] THAT INCLUDES YOU SHITRIPPER, START WAILING IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE

AS AWESOME AS THIS IS, THIS IS GETTING A LITTLE TOO CLOSE TO WHAT NOISE MARINES DO. SO WATCH IT.

[X] PREACH IT, BATTLE-BROTHER – URGE YOUR ARMY ON, FOR EVERY LAST BIT OF SOUND YOU CAN MUSTER MAY BE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VICTORY AND DEFEAT

[X] PREACH IT, BATTLE-BROTHER – URGE YOUR ARMY ON, FOR EVERY LAST BIT OF SOUND YOU CAN MUSTER MAY BE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN VICTORY AND DEFEAT
[X] THAT INCLUDES YOU SHITRIPPER, START WAILING IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE

I think Byakuren would make a great servant of the Emperor

[X] PREACH IT BATTLE-BROTHER

HOLY GODDAMN SHIT I AM LAID LOW BY A COLD IN THE MIDDLE OF MY GRAND JAPAN ADVENTURE WHICH IS INFURIATING BUT IT ALSO GIVES ME THE CHANCE TO COME BACK TO THIS WHICH OS FICKING AWESOME

[X] NO MORE WORDS - THROUGH SKILL AND THROUGH WILL, YOU WILL OUTPLAY THIS BITCH EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DIE IN THE PROCESS

YOU WERE A WORTHY RIVAL, BUT THIS ENDS NOW

[X] NO MORE WORDS - THROUGH SKILL AND THROUGH WILL, YOU WILL OUTPLAY THIS BITCH EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DIE IN THE PROCESS

“YOU THINK I'M GOING TO JUST QUIT BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU WON? THE FUCKING ARROGANCE, WOMAN! THE FUCKING ARROGANCE ASTOUNDS ME!”

“PROVE ME WRONG!” Byakuren retorts.

“FINE! SHIT-RIPPER?” Your SHIT-RIPPER is wailing. “WHINE HARDER!” She WHINES HARDER. “FUCK YEAH, HERE WE GO!”

You rise up once again, steadier now that you're bracing against the full might of Byakuren's music. But, instead of putting all your strength into ROCKING OUT against the TIDAL WAVE OF ROCK she's throwing at you, your decision instead falls on looking over your shoulder at everyone you've brought with you. Everything outside this little bubble of sound is BLURRY AS FUCK through the power of MUSIC, somehow, but you can still make out the dudes you've assembled barely clinging together.

“WHY DO WE FIGHT?” you demand of them.

“BECAUSE YOU TELL US TO!” they shout back, but in the face of this BOOSTED ROCKING Byakuren's tossing out, you can hardly hear them.

“AND WHY DO YOU FOLLOW ME?”

“BECAUSE YOU BEAT US UP!”

“BUT BESIDES THAT!?”

“BECAUSE YOU ARE TOTALLY COOL!”

“THAT IS TRUE BUT I MEANT A DIFFERENT THING”

They all look pretty confused, which only drives you to terrible fury.

“SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE EMPEROR?” you suggest, exasperated.

THAT gets them nodding. “RIGHT!”

Byakuren's latest POWER CHORD sends you sliding back, and it's only through HEROIC EFFORT that you're not blown off your feet. “FUCKING STEP IT UP, COME ON, I'M GETTING MY ASS BEAT HERE!”

“SORRY!”

You look back to Byakuren, who has observed this entire exchange with a cocked eyebrow. You shrug in contempt. “THIS IS WHAT I GOTTA WORK WITH, OKAY, DON'T FUCKING JUDGE.”

“YOU TAKE THE DISCIPLES YOU CAN GET,” she sings, shrugging as well. It's hard to tell when everything around you outside this bubble of MUSICAL POWER is a MASSIVE BLUR, but you think her goons look rather offended by this statement.

“RIGHT, GLAD YOU UNDERSTAND.” You take a huge breath. “FUCKERS! REPEAT AFTER ME AS LOUD AS YOU FUCKING CAN!”

“AYE, SIR!”

“WE ARE THE EMPEROR'S SERVANTS! THROUGH HIM, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!”

“WE ARE THE EMPEROR'S SERVANTS!” they cry out, but the fairies alone, no matter how exuberant, aren't really doing a whole hell of a lot.

“ALL OF YOU NEED TO JOIN IN GODDAMMIT,” you bellow, getting SUPER FED UP with how you can only count on BRAINLESS PEONS to really assist you.

“THROUGH HIM, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!” they continue, STILL not putting in the work you NEED of them in this maelstrom of sound Byakuren has unleashed. Your head whips around so fast you nearly snap your neck, but you gotta FUCKING LAY THIS LESSON IN.

“I SEE YOU SKIMPING OUT, YOU SILLY ELF BITCH!” you roar, and Parsee nearly gets sent flying from the might of your voice alone. Your head swivels, sighting in on those others who DO NOT CONTRIBUTE. “YOU CHIP IN TOO, SPIDER-ASS! AND BUCKET-WHORE! FUCKING MAID, STEP IT UP. GODDAMN ALL OF YOU, THE FUCKING TACO MAN IS OUTSINGING EVERYONE.”

Big Papa is laying down the holy word in his own STRANGE AND BIZARRE WAY. Whatever the fuck he's singing is not what you WANT HIM to sing, but you can't really make out the lyrics, and anyway you'll take his mighty voice regardless because holy shit can he BELT IT, even through the deafening wave of sound hitting everyone. Following his lead, BEST CUDGEL starts hollering too, and then Miss Sunshine, and OH HEY FUCKIN' SUIKA'S ALIVE AGAIN TOO, HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE AMAZED SHE'S EVEN TRYING HERE TO BE QUITE HONEST.

This wave of ACTUAL FUCKING EFFORT starts spreading through the rest of your minions, and it's with satisfaction that you turn to face Byakuren one last time.

“FORTES FORTUNA ADUVAT!” you declare as your people's choir backs up your song. You close your eyes, letting your hands shred through music on instinct, as the words you need to sing out become all too obvious. “WE ARE THE SERVANTS OF THE EMPEROR, AND WE KNOW NO FEAR!”

“WE ARE THE SERVANTS OF THE EMPEROR, AND WE KNOW NO FEAR!” scream your army – their voices add onto your own music, your own shouting, and this PHYSICAL FORCE of sound grows and swells and ROARS.

“STEEL IS OUR BODY!” you continue, straining to hear ANYTHING in this goddamned cacophony.

The team doesn't disappoint you. “STEEL IS OUR BODY!”

“FIRE IS OUR BLOOD!” You're barely able to step forward as Byakuren shreds like the end of days is upon her.

“FIRE IS OUR BLOOD!” Your boot slams into the ground, carrying you forward by inches, but FORWARD REGARDLESS.

“WE COME TO SPREAD HIS WORD!” Another minuscule step is taken-

“WE COME TO SPREAD HIS WORD!” And another minuscule step gains you inches.

“AND TO THE HERETICS BEFORE US, WE CAN SAY ONLY THIS!” Byakuren doesn't falter, even as you lean in with a TITANIC effort to get your face as close to hers as possible.

“AND TO THE HERETICS BEFORE US, WE CAN SAY ONLY THIS!” Her minions can't peel themselves off the temple walls in the face of your terrible power, and their words are drowned out by your own.

You suck in a mighty breath. “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK-”

Your people lift up their voices as one, and you bust out the MIGHTIEST SOLO you can manage to urge them along. “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK-”

“YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!” you thunder – the temple walls start to COLLAPSE, Byakuren's disciples flung screaming through the falling stonework, but the monk herself JUST BARELY HOLDS HER GROUND.

...Long enough for the final scream of everyone you've ever recruited to hit her all at once. “YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!”

This last wave of profanity is JUST enough to take Byakuren off the ground, and then she's FLYING BACK, tumbling end over end and disappearing into the massive cloud of dust being thrown up from everything falling apart around you.

Her music cuts out.

And then-

And then the dust settles.

You take a moment or two to catch your breath, the only sound your ringing ears can catch being that of stone crumbling to bits. Then you stomp ahead in search of your foe – she's on her knees when you find her, sunglasses askew, grimly clutching her guitar – but she's still ramrod straight when you stop in front of her, still clutching a twitching, foaming-at-the-mouth SHIT-RIPPER. (MAYBE HAVING HER AT GROUND ZERO WAS NOT THE BEST THING FOR HER HEALTH BUT MOVING ON.)

“ARE YA FUCKIN' DONE?” you ask Byakuren, ready to keep going if you must.

The Buddhist monk looks around at the wreckage of her temple, and sighs heavily, her eyes drifting shut – and then she smiles. “...I know when I'm bested.”

“ARE YOU SURE,” you prod, on the lookout for ANY tricky bullshit.

In response, she gently lays her guitar aside, and then removes her sunglasses to better wipe the sweat from her face. “I do believe so, Evenliftimus.”

“WELL, HUH.” You look around at the battle damage, and conclude that this was about the bare minimum you would have inflicted anyway. “...CAN I JUST SAY I DID NOT FUCKING EXPECT ANY OF THIS FROM YOU. AT ALL.”

Byakuren, of all fucking things, chuckles. “I can say much the same of you. How you rallied everyone to join in like that was – well, I think need to take a page or two from your book.”

“TO ADMIT DEFEAT IS TO BLASPHEME AGAINST THE EMPEROR. SO, YOU KNOW, FUCK THAT SHIT.”

She nods, eyes cracking open again to look up at you. There's no dread in them, no anxiety. Nothing but calm acceptance. “Indeed. Indeed.”
__________

[X] “I HAVE WON, AND AS SUCH I SHALL NOW CLAIM ALL MY PRIZES INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO A DOG, A PREACHING, AND THE PICK OF ANY FLUFFY BITCHES I CAN FIND IN THE WRECKAGE”

[X] “Y'KNOW, IT'S NOT OFTEN I MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN ROCK OUT AS WELL AS YOU DID, SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BECOMING AN UNOFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE ECCLESIARCHY”

[X] “...I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT TAOISTS EARLIER SO WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE I WOULDN'T MIND SPREADING THE EMPEROR'S GLORIOUS WORD TO THOSE HERETICS TOO”

[X] “Y'KNOW, IT'S NOT OFTEN I MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN ROCK OUT AS WELL AS YOU DID, SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BECOMING AN UNOFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE ECCLESIARCHY”

Byakuren has been amazingly cool about sir screaming death hulk busting down her gates

[X] “Y'KNOW, IT'S NOT OFTEN I MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN ROCK OUT AS WELL AS YOU DID, SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BECOMING AN UNOFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE ECCLESIARCHY”
[X] “...I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT TAOISTS EARLIER SO WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE I WOULDN'T MIND SPREADING THE EMPEROR'S GLORIOUS WORD TO THOSE HERETICS TOO”

We are now EVEN MORE SIDETRACKED but that is PERFECTLY OK.

[X] “Y'KNOW, IT'S NOT OFTEN I MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN ROCK OUT AS WELL AS YOU DID, SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BECOMING AN UNOFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE ECCLESIARCHY”
[X] “...I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT TAOISTS EARLIER SO WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE I WOULDN'T MIND SPREADING THE EMPEROR'S GLORIOUS WORD TO THOSE HERETICS TOO”
[x] PET THE DOG

[X] “Y'KNOW, IT'S NOT OFTEN I MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN ROCK OUT AS WELL AS YOU DID, SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BECOMING AN UNOFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE ECCLESIARCHY”
[X] “...I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT TAOISTS EARLIER SO WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE I WOULDN'T MIND SPREADING THE EMPEROR'S GLORIOUS WORD TO THOSE HERETICS TOO”

THESE SUDDEN DETOURS ARE TROUBLESOME BUT TOTALLY EXPECTED AND AWESOME

[X] “Y'KNOW, IT'S NOT OFTEN I MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN ROCK OUT AS WELL AS YOU DID, SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BECOMING AN UNOFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE ECCLESIARCHY”
[X] “...I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT TAOISTS EARLIER SO WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE I WOULDN'T MIND SPREADING THE EMPEROR'S GLORIOUS WORD TO THOSE HERETICS TOO”

[X] “Y'KNOW, IT'S NOT OFTEN I MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN ROCK OUT AS WELL AS YOU DID, SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BECOMING AN UNOFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE ECCLESIARCHY”
[X] “...I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT TAOISTS EARLIER SO WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE I WOULDN'T MIND SPREADING THE EMPEROR'S GLORIOUS WORD TO THOSE HERETICS TOO”

Doyou went on to Myouren, he was looking for heretics to purge
But he was getting cross, and at a loss, because this place was simply absurd
And then Byakuren came out, following the cry of her pup
And she saw Doyou and his goons and decided to say some stuff

"I can plainly see that you're of the violent sort.
But if you'd please listen to me, we can try a different sport.
I challenge you to a rock off, if that's fine with you,
because I know I can bet Kyouko that I am better than you."

Doyou said "HOLY SHIT I DID NOT EXPECT THIS AT ALL,
BUT I ACCEPT THIS GAME, WE'RE GONNA PLAY, AND YOU'RE GONNA FUCKING FALL."

[I'm skipping this part because fuck writing that]

Byakuren summoned forth her gear and said, "Then it's a bet."
And fire flew from her fingertips as they flew over the frets
She let loose with a wave a sound that was drenched in aural bliss,
And as Doyou stood there watching, it sounded something like this

[guitar solo]

As Byakuren played Doyou said "HOLY EMPEROR, SHE'S GOOD,
BUT DON'T SLACK NOW YOU FUCKING MUTIES, OR I WILL MAKE YOU FOOD"

[more stuff I'm skipping over followed by another bunch of shredding]

Byakuren bowed her head because she knew that she was beat,
As Doyou laid his possibly-brain damaged Shitripper at his feet
Byakuren said, "Very well, I know when I have lost"
And Doyou said "FUCK YEAH YOU DO, NOW WE'RE GONNA DISCUSS THE COST"



All these references to Tenacious D, and not one of you brought up the original song involving playing in a musical duel with Satan.

>>195644

THAT'S BECAUSE SATAN IS A PANSEY.

[X] “Y'KNOW, IT'S NOT OFTEN I MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN ROCK OUT AS WELL AS YOU DID, SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BECOMING AN UNOFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE ECCLESIARCHY”
[X] “...I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT TAOISTS EARLIER SO WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE I WOULDN'T MIND SPREADING THE EMPEROR'S GLORIOUS WORD TO THOSE HERETICS TOO”

[X] “Y'KNOW, IT'S NOT OFTEN I MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN ROCK OUT AS WELL AS YOU DID, SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BECOMING AN UNOFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE ECCLESIARCHY”
[X] “...I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT TAOISTS EARLIER SO WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE I WOULDN'T MIND SPREADING THE EMPEROR'S GLORIOUS WORD TO THOSE HERETICS TOO”

[X] “Y'KNOW, IT'S NOT OFTEN I MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN ROCK OUT AS WELL AS YOU DID, SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BECOMING AN UNOFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE ECCLESIARCHY”
[X] “...I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT TAOISTS EARLIER SO WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE I WOULDN'T MIND SPREADING THE EMPEROR'S GLORIOUS WORD TO THOSE HERETICS TOO”

Once again Byakuren has proven herself to be the coolest dood in Gensokyo.
Has she ever been portrayed negatively in THP? I can't think of an example.

[X] “Y'KNOW, IT'S NOT OFTEN I MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN ROCK OUT AS WELL AS YOU DID, SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BECOMING AN UNOFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE ECCLESIARCHY”
[X] “...I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT TAOISTS EARLIER SO WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE I WOULDN'T MIND SPREADING THE EMPEROR'S GLORIOUS WORD TO THOSE HERETICS TOO”

That whole thing was amazing.

[X] “Y'KNOW, IT'S NOT OFTEN I MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN ROCK OUT AS WELL AS YOU DID, SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BECOMING AN UNOFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE ECCLESIARCHY”
[X] “...I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT TAOISTS EARLIER SO WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE I WOULDN'T MIND SPREADING THE EMPEROR'S GLORIOUS WORD TO THOSE HERETICS TOO”

WHEN THIS LIITLE WORLD BECOMES PART OF THE IMPERIUM, WE SHOULD NOMINATE BYAKUREN AS THE LEADER OF THE ECCLESIARCHY. PAST HERESIES NON-WITHSTANDING SHE WOULD BE PRETTY GOOD AT IT.

ALSO, WHT IS UP WITH ALL THE HATS? IS THERE A CELEBRATION I HAVE MISSED OR SOMETHING?

SO IT´S APRIL FOOLS DAY... PRETTY COOL REALLY.

[X] “Y'KNOW, IT'S NOT OFTEN I MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN ROCK OUT AS WELL AS YOU DID, SO HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BECOMING AN UNOFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE ECCLESIARCHY”
[X] “...I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT TAOISTS EARLIER SO WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE I WOULDN'T MIND SPREADING THE EMPEROR'S GLORIOUS WORD TO THOSE HERETICS TOO”
[X] "ALSO, THE DOG IS STILL MINE. IN FACT, I AM GOING TO PET HER AS A MARK OF MY OWNERSHIP, AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT."

THE FUCKBOY MARKET IS IN A PANIC OVER THE LATEST DOWNWARD SLIDE!

“Y'KNOW,” you say, “IT'S NOT OFTEN I CAN MEET SOMEONE WHO CAN ROCK OUT LIKE YOU JUST DID WHO ISN'T ALSO A HORRIBLE FUCK OF A NOISE MARINE OR SOME SLAANESHI SHIT.”

Byakuren raises a finger. “I don't understand any of those terms.”

“DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. INSTEAD, WORRY ABOUT THIS PROPOSAL: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT BECOMING AN UNOFFICIAL MEMBER OF THE ECCLESIARCHY?”

She lowers the finger. “...Um.”

“YOU BASICALLY GET TO KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING EXCEPT IT TURNS OUT THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND IS A THING,” you continue, just steamrolling through the explanation despite Byakuren's look of incomprehension. “AND YOUR ULTIMATE GOAL IS TO SERVE HIM. AND HE WILL MAKE SHIT RIGHT FOR EVERYONE HERE. SO-”

“This is a temple dedicated to the continued welfare of youkai in Gensokyo, you're aware?” Byakuren's interjection leaves her looking TERRIBLY SEVERE.

“WAS,” you correct.

She blinks. “Was?”

“THE ROCK OFF CHALLENGE MAINLY EXTENDED TO THE DOG. I CAN'T LET ALL THIS HERETICAL THINKING STAND NO MATTER WHAT AGREEMENTS WE HAD BEFORE.” Now it's your turn to hold up a finger to stall questioning. “ALSO IT'S NOT LIKE YOUR PEEPS END UP SECOND-CLASS CITIZENS OR ANYTHING – ALL WHO SERVE THE EMPEROR ARE VALUED SERVANTS.”

“Is it that simple?”

“LOOK, I'M NOT A CHAPLAIN, OKAY, MY JOB'S TO KILL BAD SHIT, BUT EVEN I CAN TELL YOU THAT YOU CAN JUST TOSS PRAYERS HIS WAY AND THAT THAT'S PRETTY MUCH ALL THERE IS TO IT. EVERYTHING'S GONNA STAY PRETTY MUCH THE SAME OTHERWISE.”

“...I see.”

As Byakuren ruminates on this, a blue nun stumbles on over, glaring blearily at you. “Put those huge fists up,” she growls, putting up her own as she bobs woozily in a loose approximation of a boxer's stance.

Byakuren, still deep in thought, lifts a hand. “We're just having a talk, Ichirin.”

Ichirin blinks. “Oh. Okay.” She flops down next to the monk, and waves doozily at you. “Well, hello then, giant man.”

“SUP,” you reply. “ARE YOU GONNA START SHIT?”

She waves a hand about dismissively. “Nah. I got smashed through a wall! With my head! It still feels kinda weird.”

“CONCUSSIONS TEND TO DO THAT,” you agree, as she pulls her hood off and feels at her skull, wincing. The dust is still thick all around you, but it takes on a pink tinge, and then you find yourself staring at a BEARDED MAN behind the beaten Buddhists. “WHY IS THIS DUST CLOUD HAVING A FACE NOW. IS THIS CHAOS.”

“NO THIS IS UNZAN,” it says, voice SUPER DEEP.

“OH OKAY.” You pause, thinking on this. “DID THAT CLOUD JUST TALK.”

“Yep.” Ichirin blinks, before her head whips around. “...You can talk?”

The cloud face looks to Ichirin, big, bushy, cloudy eyebrows lifting in surprise. “DUH. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?”

“You can talk?!” Ichirin repeats, clutching her face in disbelief.

“I JUST NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO SAY REALLY.”

“I've known you for years!”

“THIS INVALIDATES NOTHING.”

The punchy nun scrambles to her feet. “We'll see what's invalidated when I shove my fist into your cloud brain, you-”

“SO ABOUT THEM THERE TAOISTS,” you say, as the nun attempts to beat up the giant pink cloud, which goes about as well as you'd expect.

“...Right,” says Byakeren, watching the spectacle with disapproval. “They, ah, used to live in our basement.”

You nod. “AH, NERDS, OF COURSE.”

Byakuren's lips quirk up at the corner when you say that. “And now they're in some mystic otherworld.”

You nod again, considering your options. “THERE IS DEFINITELY SOME HERESY GOING ON THERE THEN. HOW CAN I PAY 'EM A VISIT.” Byakuren points at a little crack in the stone. You squint at it, then at her. “WHAT IS THIS, A PORTAL FOR ANTS.”

“You can get to Senkai through any crack, evidently,” she says, with a look on her face that tells you she finds it as dumb as you do.

“...YOU ARE BEING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.”

She shrugs helplessly. “Yes.”

“YOU AREN'T JUST SAYING THIS SO THAT I'LL HEADBUTT THE GROUND LIKE A DUMBASS.”

“I am not saying that so that you'll headbutt the ground like a dumbass.” The monk winks and smiles. In the background, somehow Ichirin has gotten the cloud in a headlock.

“...I WILL TAKE YOU AT YOUR WORD. HOW THE FUCK DO I GO IN THERE?”

She spreads her hands in the universal gesture of 'I dunno'. “Just try really hard?”

“I WILL FUCKING TRY THE HARDEST.” Before you do this, though, you remember something TERRIBLY IMPORTANT. “BUT FIRST! AS I HAVE WON HER IN HONORABLE BATTLE I AM GOING TO GO PET THE DOG NOW. YOU CANNOT STOP ME. I OWN THE FLUFFY ONE.”

Byakuren looks physically pained. “...Very well. Do what you must.”

“I DO WHAT I MUST BECAUSE I CAN.” With that, you spin around, stomp on over to your folks, and commence with a searching – the fairies are all exhausted laying on each other, while the bigguns are occupied making sure nothing decides to try and slay them all for the rampant noise violations. You discover a floored dog buried beneath several fairies, clutching her ears. “SO HEY HOW'S IT GOING LITTLE MISSY?” you say, hoisting her out of the fairypile and up to meet you eye-to-eye.

“oh god” she whispers, and then you PET THE HEAD. “nooooooooo”

“YESSSSSSSS,” you reply, giving her ears a RUBBING THEY WON'T FORGET. She flails and squirms and tries to pry your hand off her head, but it is all for naught. The fairies watch in awe, and the rest of your team seems very conflicted on this, but you give NO SHITS. At least until you get poked on the arm. “WHAT IS-” You pause, and then turn to fully stare at the poker in question. “LOOK AT THIS MANLET PRETENDING HE'S A SPACE MARINE,” you chortle, looming over the power-armored (PANSY EDITION) man who – okay, he just about reaches your pauldrons, actually, which is PRETTY IMPRESSIVE. You're still calling him a manlet, though.

“I'd considered punching you, but I think that would get me killed,” he says, stepping back a respectful distance now that he's got your attention.

Kyouko lights up the moment she hears him speak, squirming about to get a good look. “AE!”

The trooper waves back, sheepishly. “Well, I heard all the screaming, so I had to check things out.”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR DEAL,” you demand of him before this can slide off track into INANITY.

“Right! Okay.” He claps his hands together. “You've got my girlfriend.”

You look at Kyouko, who nods frantically, before looking back at whoever THIS OUT-OF-PLACE FUCK is supposed to be. “...I HAVE A QUESTION. ARE YOU A FUCKING HUMAN.”

“Is... that a problem?” he asks.

You DARE to feel hope. “TELL ME YOU KNOW ABOUT THE EMPEROR.”

“...The who.”

“FUCK'S SAKE,” you say, hope thoroughly DESTROYED AGAIN. “FINALLY I MEET SOMEONE WITH TECHNOLOGY AND HE'S A HERETIC TOO. ALL RIGHT, FUCKBOY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME.”

He tenses up in case you try to rip his arm off and beat him with it, which is a POSSIBILITY at this point. “AE-51262.”

You lean in, and to his credit he does not flinch away even when you're almost helmet to helmet. “OKAY, SERGEANT BARCODE. GUESS WHAT?”
__________

[X] “YOU GET A POWER PUNT BECAUSE I AM THE ONLY ASSHOLE IN POWER ARMOR AROUND HERE, THAT ISN'T EVEN PROPER POWER ARMOR YOU'VE GOT, FUCK YOU”

[X] “WHY SHOULD I EVEN GIVE YOU THE DOG ANYWAY, SHE'S MINE, AND I'M NOT DOING ANOTHER ROCK OFF THAT'D BE TOO REPETITIVE”

[X] “I AM INCREDIBLY ANGRY AT YOU IN AN UNSPECIFIED MANNER” [WRITE IT IN]
__________

FUCKBOY STATUS: HUGE

[X] “WHY SHOULD I EVEN GIVE YOU THE DOG ANYWAY, SHE'S MINE, AND I'M NOT DOING ANOTHER ROCK OFF THAT'D BE TOO REPETITIVE”
[X] "HOWEVER I CAN RESPECT A MAN WHO HAS THEIR OWN ARMOR SO LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE EMPEROR AND WHY YOU SHOULD SERVE ME, AND BY EXTENSION HIM"

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON ANYMORE BUT I LOVE IT

[X] “WHY SHOULD I EVEN GIVE YOU THE DOG ANYWAY, SHE'S MINE, AND I'M NOT DOING ANOTHER ROCK OFF THAT'D BE TOO REPETITIVE”
[X] "HOWEVER I CAN RESPECT A MAN WHO HAS THEIR OWN ARMOR SO LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE EMPEROR AND WHY YOU SHOULD SERVE ME, AND BY EXTENSION HIM"

>I DO WHAT I MUST BECAUSE I CAN
>WHAT IS THIS, A PORTAL FOR ANTS?
>noooooooo

THIS UPDATE, GODDAMN.

[X] “WHY SHOULD I EVEN GIVE YOU THE DOG ANYWAY, SHE'S MINE, AND I'M NOT DOING ANOTHER ROCK OFF THAT'D BE TOO REPETITIVE”
[X] "HOWEVER I CAN RESPECT A MAN WHO HAS THEIR OWN ARMOR SO LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE EMPEROR AND WHY YOU SHOULD SERVE ME, AND BY EXTENSION HIM"

[X] “WHY SHOULD I EVEN GIVE YOU THE DOG ANYWAY, SHE'S MINE, AND I'M NOT DOING ANOTHER ROCK OFF THAT'D BE TOO REPETITIVE”
[X] "HOWEVER I CAN RESPECT A MAN WHO HAS THEIR OWN ARMOR SO LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE EMPEROR AND WHY YOU SHOULD SERVE ME, AND BY EXTENSION HIM"

[X] “WHY SHOULD I EVEN GIVE YOU THE DOG ANYWAY, SHE'S MINE, AND I'M NOT DOING ANOTHER ROCK OFF THAT'D BE TOO REPETITIVE”
[X] "HOWEVER I CAN RESPECT A MAN WHO HAS THEIR OWN ARMOR SO LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE EMPEROR AND WHY YOU SHOULD SERVE ME, AND BY EXTENSION HIM"

Sights it's been so long since I've read it and since we conversed about it but is AE a crossover or is he original? Also I lost the link to your pastebin so gib.

[X] “WHY SHOULD I EVEN GIVE YOU THE DOG ANYWAY, SHE'S MINE, AND I'M NOT DOING ANOTHER ROCK OFF THAT'D BE TOO REPETITIVE”
[X] "HOWEVER I CAN RESPECT A MAN WHO HAS THEIR OWN ARMOR SO LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE EMPEROR AND WHY YOU SHOULD SERVE ME, AND BY EXTENSION HIM"

[X] “WHY SHOULD I EVEN GIVE YOU THE DOG ANYWAY, SHE'S MINE, AND I'M NOT DOING ANOTHER ROCK OFF THAT'D BE TOO REPETITIVE”
[X] "HOWEVER I CAN RESPECT A MAN WHO HAS THEIR OWN ARMOR SO LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE EMPEROR AND WHY YOU SHOULD SERVE ME, AND BY EXTENSION HIM"

THIS IS NOT AE. AE IS A HUGE LARD-ASS. QUIT LYING.

[X] “WHY SHOULD I EVEN GIVE YOU THE DOG ANYWAY, SHE'S MINE, AND I'M NOT DOING ANOTHER ROCK OFF THAT'D BE TOO REPETITIVE”
[X] "HOWEVER I CAN RESPECT A MAN WHO HAS THEIR OWN ARMOR SO LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE EMPEROR AND WHY YOU SHOULD SERVE ME, AND BY EXTENSION HIM"

[X] “WHY SHOULD I EVEN GIVE YOU THE DOG ANYWAY, SHE'S MINE, AND I'M NOT DOING ANOTHER ROCK OFF THAT'D BE TOO REPETITIVE”
[X] "HOWEVER I CAN RESPECT A MAN WHO HAS THEIR OWN ARMOR SO LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE EMPEROR AND WHY YOU SHOULD SERVE ME, AND BY EXTENSION HIM"

SO LIKE, I'M DIVIDED HERE. THIS GUY IS CLEARLY AN IGNORANT HERETIC, BUT HE'S ALSO A TECHNOLOGICAL PURE HUMAN SOLDIER. MAYBE ON THE LEVEL OF A STORMTROOPER, OR TEMPESTUS SCION, OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY'RE CALLED NOWADAYS. HE'S DALLYING WITH AN ABHUMAN, BUT DOYOU IS COLLECTING ABHUMANS.

I GUESS I'M JUST WONDERING HOW HARD THE HERESY DETECTOR IS PINGING, AND WHETHER THIS GUY IS SAVEABLE. WHERE'S A DAMN CHAPLAIN WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

ANYWAY:

[X] “WHY SHOULD I EVEN GIVE YOU THE DOG ANYWAY, SHE'S MINE, AND I'M NOT DOING ANOTHER ROCK OFF THAT'D BE TOO REPETITIVE”
[X] "HOWEVER I CAN RESPECT A MAN WHO HAS THEIR OWN ARMOR SO LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE EMPEROR AND WHY YOU SHOULD SERVE ME, AND BY EXTENSION HIM"

DON'T YOU DIE ON ME NOW. DO YOU WANT TO GET LYNCHED?

HERE LIES DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS

2015-2017

HE DIED OF BEING A FUCKING PUSSY

“I DON'T SEE YOU PULLING ANY ROCK OFF CHALLENGES, BUCKO,” you say, very loudly. It's hard to tell if it bothers Faceless McGee here, judging by his total lack of movement. “AND GUESS WHAT? I WON THE DOG IN A FAIR FUCKIN' ROCK OFF. YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY HAVE MISSED IT.”

“Um-” says Kyouko, but you press on without any regard to how she's clutching her ears.

“BUT, EVEN IF YOUR ARMOR IS A PALE IMITATION OF MY OWN, IT IS STILL AN OKAY SUIT OF ARMOR. AND, AS I CAN RESPECT A MAN WHO HAS HIS OWN ARMOR, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE EMPEROR AND WHY YOU SHOULD SERVE ME, AND BY EXTENSION HIM.”

His fists clench. “I only swear allegiance to-”

“FUCKING HERETICS, NO DOUBT,” you interrupt. “BUT LET ME PUT IT LIKE THIS.” You headbutt him, and DOWN HE GOES. “EITHER I CAN PURGE YOU FOR HERESY, OR YOU CAN JOIN UP AND BE RAD.”

Kyouko makes a horrified little noise as the man with the broken face hits the ground, but he abruptly props himself up on his elbows and violently shakes the wooziness away “...That is still not the worst hit I've taken.”

“ARE YOU FUCKING IMPLYING THERE'S WORSE AROUND HERE THAN ME?” you demand, looming MENACINGLY as you prepare to correct that notion.

“Well, there's this little kid, name of Flandre, you probably haven't heard of-”

“THE BITCH I MADE KISS HER OWN ASS. YES. THIS IS NOT HYPERBOLE. IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.”

The trooper stares up at you in silence for a length of time that's ALMOST ANNYONING. “...Oh Jesus.”

“THIS JESUS AIN'T THE EMPEROR, BUDDY. YOU MAY WANNA REPHRASE YOUR ACCEPTABLE LEVELS OF INVECTIVE BLASPHEMING.”

He claps a hand onto his cheek. “Okay, shit.”

You throw your hands up, which includes throwing a DOG up – she goes flying, flailing and hollering. “THAT IS NOT BLASPHEMY AT ALL, COME ON, GET IT RIGHT.” You catch her before she hits the ground.

“Hey, okay, can you not?” she says, looking more and more frazzled the longer you hold onto her.

“I'M SORRY I THOUGHT I HEARD SOMEONE TELLING ME NOT TO DO SOMETHING. I MUST HAVE TAKEN TOO MANY BLOWS TO THE HEAD LATELY BECAUSE NO ONE COULD BE THAT RETARDED.”

“...R-right,” she says, much more quietly.

The heretical trooper's up on his feet real quick-like, his posture looking like a man who's ready to kick someone in the dick, like you. Before he can actually do anything, though-

“Sup!” says a fairy captain, laying her arms on this HERETICAL MAN'S shoulders. “Been a while, hasn't it?”

He sloooowly turns his head around to look at her. “It has!”

Karin nods, smiling broadly. “Right, right. So. Hey. I quit my job!”

“Oh.” AE's tone is apprehensive. “...Do you still not like me?”

Karin nods again, her smile broadening. “Oh, definitely, definitely. Did you know Patchouli turned into a raging lunatic after what you did?”

“Did she, now?”

You're sick of this already. “WHAT IS THIS SELF-REFERENTIAL BULLSHIT I'M MISSING OUT ON. STOP IT. STOP TALKING ABOUT STUPID SHIT. LET GO OF HIM, CAPTAIN, SO I CAN GET ON WITH THE REAL ISSUE OF WHY I SHOULD EVEN BOTHER LETTING THIS MANLET COME ALONG.”

AE pulls away from the captain, who lets him go on pain of being punched really hard by you. “Well. I mean. I don't have my guns on me, but I can punch really hard?”

“YOU? PUNCH HARD? PFAH.” You square your feet, sling the dog over your shoulder, plant your hands on your hips, and thrust your chest out. “FUCKING TRY ME, PANSY BOY. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A POWER FIST.”

He lifts a clenched fist, looking at it, then you, then it, then you again. “...You're sure about this?”

“JUST DON'T HIT MY DICK. I HAD MY DICK KICKED ENOUGH ALREADY AND I WILL PILEDRIVE THE NEXT PERSON TO DO SO.”

He shrugs. “Fair enough!”

“Kick his ass, AE,” Kyouko hisses.

The heretic cocks his arm back, swings, hits you in the chest... and then as you're about to laugh at him, his other fist comes in to hit your other side, the first one drawing back to deliver a third blow – and the rate he's punching is INCREASING EXPONENTIALLY until, with about two seconds, his arms are a motherfucking BLUR, and SHIT HE IS ACTUALLY PUNCHING HARD ENOUGH FOR YOU TO FEEL IT NOW.

Still, you weather the blows like only a FUCKING BADASS can, until he hauls back for one last punch, slams it into your chest, and knocks you sliiiiiiding back. Not much, but he fuckin' moved ya.

“ALL RIGHT,” you DO NOT wheeze, because that would imply he MANAGED TO DO SOMETHING. “YOU ARE KIND OF INADEQUATE COMPARED TO A LOT OF MY TROOPS, BUT I'M A LITTLE IMPRESSED AND YOU'RE PUREBRED HUMAN I'M PRETTY SURE, SO YOU GET IN.”

He pumps his fists, a blast of steam venting from his back. “Nice.”

You take a resigned Kyouko off your shoulder, set her down by AE, and pat her head one last time, causing her to squirm some more. “I WILL ALLOW YOU TO BE NEAR THE DOG, BUT I AM NOT LETTING HER GO AWAY WITH YOU. AND IF EITHER OF YOU TRY TO BAIL-”

“I'll getcha, because I do not like you,” says Karin, working metal knuckles over.

Miss Sunshine lifts her rod-bearing arm menacingly, which is at total odds with her cheerful grin. “And the rest of us'll getcha because it'd make Master Evenliftimus mad if we didn't stop you!”

There's generalized agreement from all the folks around here.

“...Fair enough!” says Sergeant Barcode.

“This is more bearable already,” Kyouko agrees, taking cover behind him.

You don't like the looks she's giving him already, so you point ominously at them. “I AM ALSO PUTTING THE KIBOSH ON ANYTHING ROMANTIC BETWEEN YOU TWO WHILE I AM AROUND, BECAUSE I CAN TOLERATE ONLY SO MUCH SHIT, AND MEN FRATERNIZING WITH ABHUMANS WHERE I CAN SEE GOES FAR BEYOND WHAT I CAN ALLOW.”

“O-oh,” says Kyouko, frowning as she takes her hand away from the TINY BABY MAN. The trooper, at least, just nods.

“RIGHT. NOW THAT I AM CERTAIN YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TRY ANY SHIT, I GOT SOME TAOISTS TO BEAT UP. SEE YA IN A JIFF.” You spin about on a boot, squint at the ground, and spy a crack. “FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”

You throw yourself headfirst at the tiny crack as you scream, and then shit gets SUPER FUCKY as you GO INTO IT, WHAT.

BYAKUREN SAID THIS WOULD HAPPEN, BUT YOU WERE STILL SUSPECTING SHE WAS FUCKING WITH YOU.

And then your adventures in being SQUEEZED THROUGH HOLES ends with you landing on your feet, still hollering “-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!” You then straighten up, look around, and what the SHIT is up with this place with its green sky and mist all around this BIG FUCKIN' DOJO.

Your musings are halted when a GREY-HAIRED YOUNG WOMAN with an EXCEPTIONALLY RETARDED HAT leaps from one of the building's upper windows, lands in front of you, and – okay what the fuck is up with these plates that she's spinning. “Hail, you!”

“...HELLO,” you say, not punching her just yet because watching those plates spin is FASCINATING. “I HEARD THERE WAS HERESY AND GOT HERE AS FAST AS I COULD. IS THIS A SENKAI.”

She nods, which makes her hat wobble in a terrible fashion. “Thou art correct!”

“ARE YOU A TAOIST.”

“Aye!” She nods again – your gaze keeps flicking between her hat and her plates spinning on the sticks she's holding.

“OKAY.” You lift a finger. “ARE YOU A CLOWN?”

Every shake of her head is an amazing sight, even for you. “Nay!”

“I ASK BECAUSE YOU SEEM LIKE A CLOWN.”

“I jest not, sirrah!”

“WELL THAT'S GOOD BECAUSE YOU AIN'T SHIT COMPARED TO THOSE FUCKIN' HARLEQUINS. FUCK THOSE DUDES. THEY'RE CREEPY AS FUCK.”

She cocks her head – somehow the hat wobbles and jiggles without ever once slipping off her skull. “What be these harlequins?”

You lower your finger, your fists clenching as you think back to those ELDAR SHITS. “YOU'D KNOW 'EM IF YOU SAW 'EM. YOU DO NOT FORGOT ABOUT THOSE FAGS. EVER. BY THE EMPEROR.”

The strange clown woman narrows her eyes. “The who?”

“THE HOLY GOD EMPEROR OF MANKIND, PRAISE BE HIS NAME,” you say distractedly, still caught up on the FUCKING HARLEQUINS.

“...The- the God Emperor of Mankind?” Your attention is caught once again by the SHATTERING of plates, and WHY IS SHE HOLDING HER CHEEKS LIKE THAT.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOU?”

“We hath missed so much!” she squeals, bouncing on her feet with no regard for her broken dishware. “I must be away to tell Miko of this glorious news!”

“WHAT.” She's sprinting off before you can stop her. “...THIS IS FUCKY.”
__________

[X] SHE'S TRYING TO TRICK YOU AND SET UP AN AMBUSH, SO YOU WILL ESTABLISH THE DOMINANCE OF YOUR RIGHT AND PROPER RELIGION WITH TERRIBLE VIOLENCE, BECAUSE NO RIGHT-THINKING ADVOCATES OF HUMANITY WOULD HIDE IN A CHAOS BULLSHIT REALM LIKE THIS

[X] ...YOU GOTTA LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS BEFORE YOU MURDER EVERYTHING, SO, PAINFUL AS IT IS, YOU'RE GONNA BE HOLDING OFF ON THE VIOLENCE UNTIL YOU CAN MEET WHOEVER THIS MIKO IS, MAYBE WANDER AROUND A BIT AND MEET THE LOCALS OR SOMETHING
__________

THIS DELAY IS TO GO EVEN FURTHER BEYOND BEING A FUCKBOY. I CALL IT SUPER FUCKBOY 3

>>195681

SELF-REFERENTIAL BULLSHIT BECAUSE I'M A HUGE GIANT GAY IS WHAT'S GOING ON, SPECIFICALLY OF REFERENCING PAST SHIT I'VE WRITTEN (SPOILERS IT WAS WRITTEN BEFORE I GOT MY SHIT RIPPED RE: WRITING SO IT'S BAD AND YOU SHOULDN'T BOTHER READING IT)

>>195684

WELL I TRY BUT THANKS FOR THE GOOD WORDS

>>195690

AE IS A DUDE OF MY OWN MAKING, YEP, AND IF YOU WANT MY PASTEBIN STUFF GIMME A RING ON IRC I AIN'T JUST PLOPPING A LINK DOWN HERE

>>195693

FUCK YOU

>>195816

I'M NOT FUCKING DEAD, GO FUCK YOURSELF

>>195828

FUCK YOU AGAIN

>>195698

WHEN A CHAPLAIN IS NOT PRESENT, EVEN THE LAYMEN MAY JUDGE, AND DOYOU IS ONLY TOO HAPPY TO DO SO

[X] ...YOU GOTTA LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS BEFORE YOU MURDER EVERYTHING, SO, PAINFUL AS IT IS, YOU'RE GONNA BE HOLDING OFF ON THE VIOLENCE UNTIL YOU CAN MEET WHOEVER THIS MIKO IS, MAYBE WANDER AROUND A BIT AND MEET THE LOCALS OR SOMETHING

FINALLY, SOME FUCKS WHO KNOW ABOUT THE EMPEROR.

[X] ...YOU GOTTA LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS BEFORE YOU MURDER EVERYTHING, SO, PAINFUL AS IT IS, YOU'RE GONNA BE HOLDING OFF ON THE VIOLENCE UNTIL YOU CAN MEET WHOEVER THIS MIKO IS, MAYBE WANDER AROUND A BIT AND MEET THE LOCALS OR SOMETHING
[X] SEE IF YOU CAN GET ONE OF YOUR GUYS TO FOLLOW YOU TO WHEREVER THE FUCK THIS IS

TWO SETS OF EYES ARE USUALLY BETTER THAN ONE

[X] LEARN NOW, PUNCH SLIGHTLY LATER

WE MUST SNAG A PET FUTO. WE NEED MORE DERPY PETS.

[X] ...YOU GOTTA LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS BEFORE YOU MURDER EVERYTHING, SO, PAINFUL AS IT IS, YOU'RE GONNA BE HOLDING OFF ON THE VIOLENCE UNTIL YOU CAN MEET WHOEVER THIS MIKO IS, MAYBE WANDER AROUND A BIT AND MEET THE LOCALS OR SOMETHING

OF COURSE THE GREAT AND NOBLE FUTO WOULD PAY PROPER RESPECTS TO THE EMPEROR INSTEAD OF THOSE HERETICAL GODS WHICH SEEM TO OOZE OUT OF THE ASSCRACK OF THIS LAND

[X] ...YOU GOTTA LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS BEFORE YOU MURDER EVERYTHING, SO, PAINFUL AS IT IS, YOU'RE GONNA BE HOLDING OFF ON THE VIOLENCE UNTIL YOU CAN MEET WHOEVER THIS MIKO IS, MAYBE WANDER AROUND A BIT AND MEET THE LOCALS OR SOMETHING.

[X] ...YOU GOTTA LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS BEFORE YOU MURDER EVERYTHING, SO, PAINFUL AS IT IS, YOU'RE GONNA BE HOLDING OFF ON THE VIOLENCE UNTIL YOU CAN MEET WHOEVER THIS MIKO IS, MAYBE WANDER AROUND A BIT AND MEET THE LOCALS OR SOMETHING

MAYBE JUST PUNCH THEM A LITTLE. A BIT OF PREVENTATVIVE POWERFISTING IS WORTH A KILOTON OF EXTERMINATUS, OR SOMETHING.

[X] ...YOU GOTTA LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS BEFORE YOU MURDER EVERYTHING, SO, PAINFUL AS IT IS, YOU'RE GONNA BE HOLDING OFF ON THE VIOLENCE UNTIL YOU CAN MEET WHOEVER THIS MIKO IS, MAYBE WANDER AROUND A BIT AND MEET THE LOCALS OR SOMETHING

What you usually see here is normal writefaggotry.
Then, there is what is known as a 'Super Fuckboy' or 'IRC enthusiast'
What follows next is what is known as a Fuckboy who has ascended past beyond a Super Fuckboy. Or Super Fuckboy 2 for short.
And Sights... Sights is what happens when you go EVEN... FURTHER... BEYOND ..!

[X] ...YOU GOTTA LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS BEFORE YOU MURDER EVERYTHING, SO, PAINFUL AS IT IS, YOU'RE GONNA BE HOLDING OFF ON THE VIOLENCE UNTIL YOU CAN MEET WHOEVER THIS MIKO IS, MAYBE WANDER AROUND A BIT AND MEET THE LOCALS OR SOMETHING

>>195851

If SF2 is with non-crinkly ears... does that mean SF3 has starched, pin-straight ears?

Or maybe she'll go full Bugs Bunny.

[X] ...YOU GOTTA LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS BEFORE YOU MURDER EVERYTHING, SO, PAINFUL AS IT IS, YOU'RE GONNA BE HOLDING OFF ON THE VIOLENCE UNTIL YOU CAN MEET WHOEVER THIS MIKO IS, MAYBE WANDER AROUND A BIT AND MEET THE LOCALS OR SOMETHING

I forgot AE does the oraora thing.

[X] ...YOU GOTTA LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS BEFORE YOU MURDER EVERYTHING, SO, PAINFUL AS IT IS, YOU'RE GONNA BE HOLDING OFF ON THE VIOLENCE UNTIL YOU CAN MEET WHOEVER THIS MIKO IS, MAYBE WANDER AROUND A BIT AND MEET THE LOCALS OR SOMETHING

You look about a bit as you wait, almost expecting some of your minions to fall in here too somehow, but after a minute you decide that waiting is for NERDS and LOSERS, and stomp on into this dojo/temple/whatever the hell this HERESY LAND'S RESIDENCE is supposed to be. You kick the sliding front doors off their hinges, storming into a wide open DOJO ROOM because this makes sense. There are ROBED DUDES IN HERE who LOOK PRETTY HUMAN – some of them immediately retreat into the building's hallways, others hold their ground in watching you warily, and finally there is a GHOST, which you can tell because she's floating and has GHOST TAILS and looks GENERALLY ETHEREAL.

“WHAT IS UP, YOU GAYS,” you say, waving at everyone. “I AM HERE TO LOOK AROUND AND POSSIBLY MEET A 'MIKO' PERSON. DO NOT BE ALARMED UNLESS YOU ARE UP TO HERESY, IN WHICH CASE BE SUPER ALARMED. LIKE YOU.” You point at the ghost. “THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOU?”

The green ghost folds her arms, floating towards you, expression severe. “The fuck is up with you?”

“I ASKED FIRST,” you say, as the remaining dudes in the room wisely get some distance from you and the ghost. “SO ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION.”

She points at the door laying nearby. “You kicked the door off! I'm not inclined to help someone who just goes around breaking our crap, no matter who they are!”

“YEAH BUT YOU'RE A GHOST.”

“How is that a problem?” asks the ghost, clearly not getting it.

“PEOPLE DIE WHEN THEY ARE KILLED, THAT'S THE PROBLEM. THEY DON'T BECOME GHOSTS.” You point at her face. “YOU DON'T GET TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SHIT WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO BEING AN ABOMINATION. HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN?”

“Futo's a bitch, that's how it happened.” The ghost starts sparking with electricity as she seethes.

“YOU GOTTA GIVE ME MORE DETAILS THAN THAT,” you say, unimpressed. “BEING A GHOST IS JUST ONE STEP REMOVED FROM BEING ALL CHAOSY AND SHIT. YOU KNOW WHAT DOESN'T STAY DEAD WHEN IT'S SUPPOSED TO? NURGLITE BULLSHIT. I HAVE DEEP SUSPICIONS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW.”

Her eyes have narrowed so much now that you can hardly see them. “The fuck's a Nurglite?”

“I'M NOT EXPLAINING CHAOS. IT'S JUST BAD SHIT. NOW TELL ME HOW YOU BECAME A GHOST.”

More and more little bolts of electricity start shooting from this LIGHTNING GHOST as she floats up to eye level with you. “No, you're gonna tell me about this Chaos crap first! You can't just say these things and not follow through!”

You lean in, THIS close to PUNCHING A GHOST. “NO, YOU FUCK OFF AND TELL ME HOW YOU BECAME ALL ETHEREAL AND SHIT BEFORE I FIGURE OUT HOW TO PUNCH THE IMMATERIAL.”

Her fists fall to her sides, balled up as her every word is hissed through grit teeth. “I will goddamn electrocute you if you don't fill me in on what you're talking about, you son of a bitch.”

“MY MOTHER WAS THE HUGEST BITCH,” you say, nodding. The ghost blinks, off-balance, and you press on while she's reeling. “BUT THIS AIN'T ABOUT HER, YOU TWAT. YOU'RE THREATENING ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT FORBIDDEN KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE MUCH BETTER OFF NOT KNOWING. YOU'RE JUST RACKING UP ALL THE POINTS HERE, Y'KNOW THAT?”

The ghost is about to pop a vein, which is pretty spectacular considering you wouldn't think she'd have any actual bloodflow and shit. “Maybe I want to know so I can avoid dealing with whatever this Chaos crap is! Whaddaya think about that?!”
__________

[X] YOU THINK IT'S ABSOLUTELY HERETICAL, SO COMMENCE OPERATION PUNCH GHOST

[X] ACTUALLY MAYBE EXPLAINING WHY CHAOS IS BAD SHIT WOULD BE A SMART MOVE, THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT
-[X] AND THEN PUNCH A GHOST REGARDLESS BECAUSE NO ONE MOUTHS OFF TO YOU LIKE THIS

[X] YOU THINK IT'S ABSOLUTELY HERETICAL BUT ACTUALLY MAYBE EXPLAINING WHY CHAOS IS BAD SHIT WOULD BE A SMART MOVE, SO COMMENCE OPERATION EDUCATE WHILE PUNCHING GHOST.

[X] ACTUALLY MAYBE EXPLAINING WHY CHAOS IS BAD SHIT WOULD BE A SMART MOVE, THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT
-[X] BUT YOU CAN DO THIS WHILE PUNCHING A GHOST

GHOST PUNCHOUT, WOO WOO WOOOOO

[X] ACTUALLY MAYBE EXPLAINING WHY CHAOS IS BAD SHIT WOULD BE A SMART MOVE, THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT
-[X] AND THEN PUNCH A GHOST REGARDLESS BECAUSE NO ONE MOUTHS OFF TO YOU LIKE THIS

GO PUNCH A GHOST, GHOST PUNCHER

[X] ACTUALLY MAYBE EXPLAINING WHY CHAOS IS BAD SHIT WOULD BE A SMART MOVE, THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT
-[X] AND THEN PUNCH A GHOST REGARDLESS BECAUSE NO ONE MOUTHS OFF TO YOU LIKE THIS

THIS IS WHAT I LIKE TO CALL POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT.

[X] ACTUALLY MAYBE EXPLAINING WHY CHAOS IS BAD SHIT WOULD BE A SMART MOVE, THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT
-[X] AND THEN PUNCH A GHOST REGARDLESS BECAUSE NO ONE MOUTHS OFF TO YOU LIKE THIS

[x] EXPLAIN
-[x] HEADPAT

OUR HEADPATTING HAS BEEN RIDICULOUSLY EFFECTIVE IN HELPING ACHEIVE OUR SEMI-PACIFIST ROUTE.

[X] ACTUALLY MAYBE EXPLAINING WHY CHAOS IS BAD SHIT WOULD BE A SMART MOVE, THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT

[X] ACTUALLY MAYBE EXPLAINING WHY CHAOS IS BAD SHIT WOULD BE A SMART MOVE, THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT
-[X] AND THEN PUNCH A GHOST REGARDLESS BECAUSE NO ONE MOUTHS OFF TO YOU LIKE THIS

IT CAN NEVER NOT END IN PUNCHING.

[X] ACTUALLY MAYBE EXPLAINING WHY CHAOS IS BAD SHIT WOULD BE A SMART MOVE, THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT
If only the Emperor would have realized this...

>>195869
[X] ACTUALLY MAYBE EXPLAINING WHY CHAOS IS BAD SHIT WOULD BE A SMART MOVE, THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT

THAT, AND THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WILL LEAD INTO AN EXCUSE TO PUNCH SEIGA. FUCKING SLAANESHI.

[X] YOU THINK IT'S ABSOLUTELY HERETICAL, SO COMMENCE OPERATION PUNCH GHOST

I think it's high time that Doyou gets back to one of the simpler pleasures in life, punching heretics at random without bothering to justify it first.

[X] ACTUALLY MAYBE EXPLAINING WHY CHAOS IS BAD SHIT WOULD BE A SMART MOVE, THE MORE YOU THINK ABOUT IT
-[X] AND THEN PUNCH A GHOST REGARDLESS BECAUSE NO ONE MOUTHS OFF TO YOU LIKE THIS

>STILL NO UPDATES
WOW WHAT A FUCKBOY

HOLY TERRA TO ANGRY MASKED MARINE, DO YOU COPY?

FUCKBOYNESS RATINGS ARE SOARING! MARKET OVERJOYED! FANS VOMITING IN RAGE!

>>195966

IN THIS EXAMPLE, YOSHIKA IS HIM. SEIGA IS A LOT OF PEOPLE.

THE PUKE IS OUR HOPES BEING CRUSHED.

THIS IS IT. THE BEGINNING OF THE END. JUST WATCH. WE'LL BE WAITING MONTHS FOR UPDATE.

MONTHS? TRY YEARS, DIPSHIT.

THIS IS WHY YOU MADE THAT DEADLINE IN THE FIRST PLACE RETARD.

WOW. I THOUGHT BEING THIS MUCH OF A FUCKBOY WAS CONSIDERED HERESY OF THE HIGHEST DEGREE. THE BIG E IS GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE A FUCKING WORD WITH YOU, SON.

CLEAR YOUR SIGHTS.

IF YOU DON'T HAUL YOUR ASS OVER HERE NOW, I'LL HUNT YOU ON THE DISCORD.

“THAT SOUNDS ABSOLUTELY HERETICAL.” You punch the ghost in the face. There's an explosion, and she winds up embedded halfway into a wall. You get a good look up her dress at GHOST LEGS which are about as UNINTERESTING as you'd expect before she pries herself out.

“All right, here we go, cocksucker,” she says, a mighty FISTDENTATION in her face now that doesn't seem to actually impair her activity at all. “You wanna go so bad, well, we can fucking-”

“CHAOS SHIT IS BASICALLY WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU START GETTING INTO ALL SORTS OF BLOOD SACRIFICE AND HORRIBLE GARBAGE AND IT'S JUST NOT GOOD,” you say, stomping over.

The ghost blinks. “Are you high.”

“CHAOS IS JUST NOT GOOD SHIT AT ALL IS WHAT I'M GETTING AT,” you say, and then you swing at her face again, but the GHOST is a GHOST and drops through the floor. “GET BACK HERE SO I CAN LECTURE YOU MORE, YOU FUCK!”

Ghost Bitch flies out of the floor behind you, as you discover when SHITLOADS OF LIGHTNING are shot RIGHT UP YOUR ASSHOLE with a GREAT BOOM OF THUNDER. “Or you can just taste my lightning!”

“FUCKER!” you howl, propelled up into the air through the power of an ELECTROCUTED ANUS. Bitch doesn't expect you to spin around mid-air and KICK HER FUCKING FACE, though, which sends her flippity-flopping through the air as she absolutely deserves. “AND I ALREADY USED THAT 'TASTE MY LIGHTNING' LINE A WHILE BACK SO FUCK OFF WITH YOUR PLAGIARIZING SHIT.” You land, stumble, then straighten up, ASSCHEEKS CLENCHED after this most POWERFUL of PROBINGS, and resume your stomping towards a ghost who is laid out on her face on the ground. “ANYWAY, CHAOS! FAGS THINK THAT WORSHIPING CHAOS TARDS IS A QUICK PATH TO BEING IMMORTAL OR SOME SHIT, BUT THAT'S JUST NOT HOW IT WORKS.”

Ghost Tits floats up against, massaging her MANGLED yet TOTALLY BLOODFREE face (MUST BE SOME GHOST SHIT KEEPING HER FROM BLEEDING ON EVERYTHING YOU GUESS). “Why are you explaining this while you punch me?”

You grab the ghost by her SURPRISINGLY NOT ETHEREAL shoulders and hoist her right up to your face. “BECAUSE YOU WERE BEING MOUTHY AND I HATE THAT SHIT.”

“Oh.” Your headbutt sends her cratering into the floor a moment later.

You lean over the fallen ghoulie, the better to holler at her with maximum efficiency. “ANYWAY, YOU GET IN ON THIS CHAOS GARBAGE AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOU'RE BUILDING SKULL THRONES OUT OF PEOPLE'S SKULLS AND HOLDING MASSIVE ORGIES WHILE EVERYONE'S ROTTING FROM THE INSIDE OUT WITH HORROR-TERROR STD'S AND IT'S JUST SHIT. IT'S SHIT. IT IS SHIT. DO NOT DO CHAOS. IT'S HORRIBLE AND YOU ARE A RETARD IF YOU DO IT.”

“Agh,” says the ghost, looking PRETTY DONE for the moment. “I feel enlightenment and also great pain.”

“FUCK YEAH YOU DO. DOES THAT ANSWER ALL YOUR ABSOLUTELY HERETICAL QUESTIONS? BECAUSE IF IT DOESN'T THEN BOO HOO, BITCH, IT'LL HAVE TO DO ANYWAY.”

“It may answer hers,” says another, and your head snaps over to the hallway where the CLOWN FROM BEFORE and a FLOOFY-HAIRED CAPE WOMAN approach from, “but I still have much to ask.”

“ARE YOU A KITTY,” you demand, because HOLY SHIT THOSE HEAD TUFTS ARE JUST LIKE KITTY EARS. The PLATE-SPINNING NOT-A-CLOWN gapes at you, while cape-woman comes up short, blinking.

“...This is just how my hair is, thank you,” she says, uncertainly eyeing you up.

Your shoulders sag in disappointment. “FUCK. OKAY. WHO AM I TALKING TO?”

“Toyosatomimi no Miko!” says the not-clown, bowing heavily. “Praise be her name.”

“THE ONLY NAME THAT'S GETTING PRAISED AROUND HERE IS THE EMPEROR'S,” you say. “AND ALSO YOUR NAME'S A FUCKING MOUTHFUL SO I'MMA JUST CALL YOU MIKO.”

“This is fair,” says Miko, nodding agreeably. Her gaze falls to the ghost still just laying on the floor. “I see you've... acquainted yourself with Tojiko.”

“YEAH YOU GOT A GHOST PROBLEM.”

“We got ourselves an asshole problem, Miko,” says Tojiko at the same time.

In response, you step on her. “PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE UNDEAD.”

Miko shrugs, which is a weird motion to see from someone as FANCILY-CAPED as she. “We just kind of let her stick around.”

You throw your hands out at her, exasperated. “WELL WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVEN DO THAT.”

“The fiendish specter exists purely through mine own machinations!” says Plate Woman, hat bobbing about spectacularly as she nods. “As such, allowing her residence here seems only fair.”

“OH. OKAY, I GUESS. ALSO YOU MUST BE THE FUTO ASSHOLE, HUH?”

“Good eye,” says Tojiko, GHOST-MOVING out from under your foot somehow.

“WAIT NO,” you shout, as she flees to Miko's side. “WHAT THE FUCK, GET BACK BENEATH MY BOOT WHERE YOU BELONG!”

The FUTO ASSHOLE, as you now call her, hides her mouth behind a billowing sleeve. “Yea, I say unto you, thou art evidently a kinky sort!”

You just about TELEPORT over to her, propelled by MASSIVE IRE. “DID YOU JUST FUCKING CALL ME SLAANESHI”

“O SHITE” she screeches, flopping over.

“THAT'S RIGHT, MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'LL THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH.”

“Ahem,” hems the Miko, taking a genteel sidestep away from you. “Futo's poor phrasing aside, she did tell me you praise someone known as the 'God-Emperor of Mankind'? That's intriguing.”

You turn your mighty glower to the earmuffed heretic. “WHAT'S IT TO YOU?”

“I'm merely pleased that humanity seems to have champions like yourself to lead them!” She smiles benevolently, which immediately sets ALL YOUR FUCKING ALARMS ringing.

You SQUINT. “...PLEASED THAT YOU HAVE BADASSES TO FIGHT?”

Miko shakes her head. “Pleased that mankind has evidently progressed so far while I've been asleep, more like! Tell me, just what are things like Outside? I'm afraid I'm terribly sheltered these days.”

You SQUINT HARDER.
__________

[X] IT'S TIME TO SING THE PRAISES OF THE GOD-EMPEROR AND THE IMPERIUM, HALLE-FUCKIN-LUJAH

[X] THINGS ARE VARYING DEGREES OF SHIT ACTUALLY, WHAT WITH CHAOS AND XENOS AND MUTANTS AND GARBAGE LIKE THAT, BUT YOU AND YOURS ARE AROUND TO KICK ASS ANYWAY SO IT'S COOL

[X] WHAT GENIUS WORDS HAVE YOU TO SPEAK [WRITE-IN]
__________

ONCE YOU GO FUCKBOY YOU NEVER GO BACK, AS YOU ALL HAVE EXPERIENCED FIRSTHAND

BUT WORRY NOT, ALL OF YOUR TRUTHFUL SCREAMS OF RAGE AT MY SHITTINESS HAVE BEEN REWARDED WITH AN UPDATE

NOW I'LL SEE YOU FAGS IN A MONTH

[X] IT'S TIME TO SING THE PRAISES OF THE GOD-EMPEROR AND THE IMPERIUM, HALLE-FUCKIN-LUJAH

[X] THINGS ARE VARYING DEGREES OF SHIT ACTUALLY, WHAT WITH CHAOS AND XENOS AND MUTANTS AND GARBAGE LIKE THAT, BUT YOU AND YOURS ARE AROUND TO KICK ASS ANYWAY SO IT'S COOL

These don't seem mutually exclusive, so both.

[X] IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE THERE IS ONLY WAR

IS THAT A FUCKING SAGED UPDATE
HOW HERETICAL

[X] IT'S TIME TO SING THE PRAISES OF THE GOD-EMPEROR AND THE IMPERIUM, HALLE-FUCKIN-LUJAH
[X] BE SURE TO GIVE HER A BRIEF SUMMARY OF THE CHAOS LECTURE YOU GAVE TO THE GHOST, BUT WITH LESS PUNCHING (FOR NOW)

>“ARE YOU A KITTY,”
I was going to playfully bitch at you for taking so long but this single line made the wait worth it.

[X] IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE THERE IS ONLY WAR
-[X] BUT THE EMPEROR PROTECTS, HALLE-FUCKIN-LUJAH

[X] IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE THERE IS ONLY WAR
-[X] BUT THE EMPEROR PROTECTS, HALLE-FUCKIN-LUJAH

WE'RE BACK COCKFAGS

[X] IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE THERE IS ONLY WAR
-[X] BUT THE EMPEROR PROTECTS, HALLE-FUCKIN-LUJAH

[X] IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE THERE IS ONLY WAR
-[X] BUT THE EMPEROR PROTECTS, HALLE-FUCKIN-LUJAH

THIS IS THE ONLY TIME WE MAY EVER GET TO SAY THIS SO WE'RE SAYING IT, DAMMIT

[X] IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE THERE IS ONLY WAR
-[X] BUT THATS MOSTLY BECAUSE ALL THOSE CHAOS CUNTS AND XENOS FAGGOTS NEED TO BE FUCKED UP HARDCORE AND THERE ARE SO FUCKING MANY OF THEM
-[X]NOT THAT YOU'RE COMPLAINING BECAUSE THATS YOUR ONLY REASON FOR EXISTING IN THE FIRST PLACE
[X]DON'T FORGET TO SING PRAISE TO THE BIG E AND TELL THIS FLOOFY MIKO THAT SHE SHOULD DEFINITELY CONVERT.
-[X]OR NOT BECAUSE THEN YOU GET TO KICK THE SHIT OUT ALL THOSE PEOPLE HERE AND THATS FINE FOR YOU TOO

[X] IT'S TIME TO SING THE PRAISES OF THE GOD-EMPEROR AND THE IMPERIUM, HALLE-FUCKIN-LUJAH

[X] THINGS ARE VARYING DEGREES OF SHIT ACTUALLY, WHAT WITH CHAOS AND XENOS AND MUTANTS AND GARBAGE LIKE THAT, BUT YOU AND YOURS ARE AROUND TO KICK ASS ANYWAY SO IT'S COOL

THINGS ARE SHITE, YES, BUT THAT'S WHY WE ARE SO LUCKY TO HAVE THE EMPEROR BY OUR SIDE.
Also, this is hilarious because the big E was formed by several pure human monks of all religions, including Miko's.

X] IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE THERE IS ONLY WAR
-[X] BUT THE EMPEROR PROTECTS, HALLE-FUCKIN-LUJAH

See you guys next decade

[x] GRIM DARKNESS
-[x] EVERYTHING STARTS WITH A (BIG) E

[X] IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE THERE IS ONLY WAR
-[X] BUT THE EMPEROR PROTECTS, HALLE-FUCKIN-LUJAH

[X] THINGS ARE VARYING DEGREES OF SHIT ACTUALLY, WHAT WITH CHAOS AND XENOS AND MUTANTS AND GARBAGE LIKE THAT, BUT YOU AND YOURS ARE AROUND TO KICK ASS ANYWAY SO IT'S COOL

AAAAND THE WINNER OF THE THP "FAGGOT OF THE YEAR" AWARD GOES TO....IT'S YOU, OP - CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS

>>196099
THAT'D BE LIKE A PARTICIPATION TROPHY CONSIDERING OP IS RARELY NOT A FAGGOT.

>>196100
IT WOULD BE MORE PARTICIPATION THAN THIS OP IS SHOWING RIGHT NOW

ONLY THE FUCK-EST OF BOYS AROUND HERE.

OH JESUS FUCK I THOUGHT THERE WOULD BE A SAGE RIGHT THERE IN THE FUCKING FIELD SINCE I SAGED LAST TIME BUT NO

Time to end it all.

NOT ONLY DOES OP NEED TO GET ON WITH IT, BUT I FIND LIFTIMUS' METHODS OF MANAGING HIS ARMY INADEQUATE!

HEADPATS AND THREATS ARE ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT TOO LITTLE VARIETY CAN CAUSE THEM TO BECOME LESS RECEPTIVE OF THE EMPEROR'S GLORY!

THE RE-ADDITION OF WEDGIES IS IN ORDER! FOR EXAMPLE, THAT BITCHY MAID WAS NEVER TRULY PUNISHED FOR HER TREACHERY AT THE START OF THE DEBATE AT BLAND SHITTY MANSION. A SATOSHI-STYLE HAT IS IN ORDER!

NEVER ALLOW HER TO FORGET THAT EVEN SMALL HERESY MUST BE PUNISHED!

IT'S BEEN A MONTH, YOU FUCKNUGGET
STOP SUCKING YOUR OWN DICK AND GET BACK HERE

>>196333

HOW CAN OP SUCK HIS OWN DICK WHEN THERE'S NO DICK TO SPEAK OF ON THAT FUCKING WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT?!

BUMP

GET ON WITH IT ALREADY

>>196494
BUMP? MORE LIKE A KICK IN THE ASS.

FUCKBOYNESS THIS CONCENTRATED HAS BEEN DECLARED ILLEGAL BY CONGRESS. OP, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!

THE SECOND PAGE?! TWO MONTHS?!

DOES YOUR FUCKBOYNESS HAVE NO BOUNDS?!

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!

>>196729

I SAY HOLY SHIT

GODDAMN

WHAT THE FUCK

WHERE DOES THE TIME FUCKING GO, EMPEROR PRESERVE ME

CLEARLY THIS STATE OF FAGGOTY AFFAIRS CANNOT CONTINUE ANY LONGER BECAUSE I WILL NEVER BE FREE OF PEOPLE BITCHING AT ME OTHERWISE

>>196731
DAMN STRAIGHT.

>>196731


HEY FAGGOT. THE ELDAR JUST CALLED AND THEY SAID YOU WERE A HUGE GIANT SIZE FAGGOT, AND I THINK THEY FUCKING KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT THAT SORT OF THING.

FUCKING SHIT. EVEN THOSE SHIT PUSHERS ARE CALLING YOU OUT.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ASCEND SO FAR BEYOND FUCKBOYHOOD THAT YOU FUCK-TURE INTO A FUCKMAN.

SWEET FUCKING EMPEROR, IS THIS SHITSTAIN STILL M.I.A.? YOU OUGHT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME NEXT TIME YOU POST, CAUSE YOU AIN'T ANGRY AND YOU SURE AS FUCK AIN'T A MARINE. BETTER KEEP THE MASK THOUGH, TO HIDE YOUR SHAMEFUL BITCH FACE.

PROVE ME WRONG, FAGGOT. GET WRITING.

...This story is dead isn't it?

I have no anger left. Only sadness remains.

rip, a fun read while it lasted.