// It will also close when an option is first to five, that or 48 hours pass, whichever goes faster.

[X] Kannapolis Arc
Seems to be the first arc.

[o] China Grove Arc

Vote closed... will write update either today or tomorrow...

~ Kurzov

>> [1] - Kannapolis Arc
[1] - China Grove Arc

--------------------------------------------

// Here we go

It was a normal Saturday morning. You've already brushed your teeth and got dressed. Before you walk out, you can hear someone grumbling. "...Why am I here... again..." You walk out to the living room in curiosity. When you get there, you see a girl sitting on your couch, she's wearing an over the top hat, and a blue dress.

What do you respond with?

[_] "Hm?"
[_] "Who are you?"
[_] ___ WRITE ___ IN ____

Vote will close in 48 hours, like before.

[X] Write in
[X] How did you get in here!?

[X] Write in
[X] How did you get in here!?

Vote closed.

Will hopefully get the update out later today, I have a lot of things to get done...

~ Kurzov

>> Only responses were "How did you get in here!?"

----

// Got my braces off today, feeling rather good

"Wait, wait, wait... how did you get in here!?" You questioned, hoping for an answer. She took a long time to answer, but eventually, she did. "Sorry. I... don't have an answer for you... I know the basics on how I got here, but I can't remember any specifics who sent me here. I don't remember anything from my past, either..." The girl explained. "You are?" She asked. "Name's Robert. Rob for short." You replied. "Mima." The girl then said, brushing through her odd lime-colored hair. "No way to get back, no sukima, nothing..." Mima muttered.

[_] Ask Mima something.
> [_] About 'sukima'?
> [_] About going back... to where?
> [_] Anything else you could tell me?
> [_] (Write-In)
// Pick one of the above in conjunction with a vote for one of the below.
[_] Go somewhere.
> [_] Park
> [_] Store
> [_] Cafe
[_] Stay home. An early lunch, perhaps?

[X] Ask Mima something.
> [X] About 'sukima'?
> [X] About going back... to where?
> [X] Anything else you could tell me?

>>198340
[X] Ask Mima something.
[X] "Mima? Sounds a bit foreign. Where are you from?

I like the multi arcs you're going for, and how you expanded the write in to make flow easier, but I notice you don't seem to be descriptive about the setting. Other then that, I'm interested to see where this story will go!

Vote closed.

Hopefully, I'll be able to get it out today. If not, I'll get it out tomorrow.

~ Kurzov

[2] - "Mima? Sounds foreign... where are you from?"
[1] - "Sukima"?
[1] - "Anything else you could tell me?"

----

// I have nothing to say

"Mima, eh? Sounds foreign... Where ya' from?" You asked. Mima was slow to respond, but she did so. "Place called Gensokyo. Don't remember much of it at all, like I said, I don't remember much of my past." Mima answered. "So... what was that 'sukima' thing you were muttering about?" You next questioned. "Sukima, sukima, sukima... boundary. Her name is Yakumo... and that's all I remember." Mima replied. "Is there like... any other things I should know about you?" "Nothing that I can remember..." Mima said glumly.

Mima sat for a moment. "Change the subject?" You asked. "Yeah, sure." Mima answered, and you gladly did so. "Well, my friend's having a party tonight, wanna go?" "Sure thing!"

...A few hours later...

You've arrived at the party. What do you want to do?

[_] Have a drink (or two)
[_] Talk with some friends
[_] Play some games

Also, do you want Mima to come along with you?

[_] Yes
[_] No

[X] Talk with some friends

"Well, my friend's having a party tonight, wanna go?" "Sure thing!"

Looks like she coming anyway so... [X] Yes

Vote closed. Even with one player, we will still go on...!

// SELECT ONE OF THREE
// [0] Have a drink (or two)
>> [1] Talk with your friends
// [0] Play some gaems
// SELECT ONE OF TWO
>> [1] Mima: Yes
// [0] Mima: No

----

// Delayed the closure of voting by a day to see if anybody else would vote, but I guess there was none. I suppose that it's just me and you, Anon - although there's nothing wrong with that if you asked me.

You and Mima enter the party house, and there's things going on all over the place. Some are playing games, some are getting drunk, and some are just conversing with each other. You make a beeline for the latter.

The people already there greet you with smiles. "Hey Rob! See you got yourself a..." One person trails, noticing Mima. That person got a pretty serious glare from Mima, from what you could see. "No, not at the moment." You responded soon after. "So, how's the show going?" A different person asked another. The man in the blue suit responded, "Network's being a pain, but it's going alright." A woman got out of her seat and brought over two additional seats. "There you go." She responded.

You and Mima sat in the chairs, as Mima thanked the person that brought the seats. "The one in the blue suit is Tom, orange jacket is Allen, that guy that looks drunk is Ralph, the girl that brought the seats over is Allison, and the guy that's sitting in front of the fireplace is who we call Scott." You explain, whispering in Mima's ear.

Scott soon brings up the newly entered Mima. "She got a name?" He asks casually. "Name's Mima. I've got no clue how she got in my house. She doesn't know either." You answer. "Well, that's a storrr..." Ralph replies, his head now lying sideways on the table. "C'mon Ralphy, wake up." Allison says. "So, Rob," Allen asks, "how's your work been going?"

----
Where do you work?

[_] Grocery store cashier
[_] Cubicle worker
[_] Janitor
[_] Cook
[_] (Write-In)

Anybody voting?

[X] Cubicle worker

This story needs some love...

Vote closed. ETA unknown.

// Thanks


>> [1] Cubicle Worker

----

You soon respond. "It's... been going alright, I've gotten the usual grumpy customer or two, but it's still been okay. As okay as a job working nine to five in a cubicle can be, at least." "Good to hear." Allen replies. "...And you all?" Mima unexpectedly interrupts. "Houses are selling great." Scott answers, soon followed by Ralph. "Goinnnnng... great." He drunkenly replies, head returning sideways to the table. "Same old, same old..." Allison eventually grumbles. "Okay, then." The green-haired Mima responds.

A short silence follows. "So... what do you all do here?" Mima then asked. There was a sudden quiet at the table, as some looked to Scott. "Well... how do I put it..." Scott answered, "I suppose we play games, talk a bunch, get drunk, and play more games." Mima was quick to answer. "Okay then, that's alright."

Tom extended his hand. "I suppose this is a bit late, but welcome to the club." Mima gladly shook his hand. "Thank you."

Now what...?

[_] Play a game or two
[_] Grab the booze!
[_] Go home, it's starting to get late...

Also, do you...?

[_] Ask Mima to stay along with you
[_] Let Mima go and do her own thing

[X] Play a game or two

[x] Grab the booze!
[x] Ask Mima to stay along with you

This can't go wrong.

[x] Grab the booze!
[x] Ask Mima to stay along with you.

Mima?
Mima.

E.T.A. is unknown...

>> [2] Grab the booze!
>> [2] Ask Mima to stay along...

// I would put somethin' witty about alcohol here, but I've got nothin'.

----

Mima, slow but definitive, got out of the chair and headed toward the group where... let's just say the booze was clearly visible. You unwittingly also get up and follow Mima over. "Heyyyy... girrrl... Ya want the booze..." An obviously drunk man said. "Gladly." Mima replied, as she moved to grab a bottle. You soon followed.

In one corner, you saw two people in a drinking contest, in the other, there was some kind of dancing going on, although they weren't doing too good. You join the dancing, and a few hours pass.

By now, the effects of the alcohol are undeniably noticeable. Some people are staggering around, and there seems to be a fight going on. You and your drunken self ignore this. Regardless, someone apparently kicks you from behind, and the last thing you remember is spiraling face down toward the floor.

//// ...several hours later... ////

The birds have started to chirp and the sun has already risen. You wake up with a headache that feels like someone just ran an abandoned train straight through your head. "What even did I drink last night...?" you contemplated, having a hard time with the headache.

You also notice, alarmingly, that Mima is almost completely naked... and a little too close for comfort. Her clothes are scattered nearby, it appears...

Ugh... what do you do...

[X] Crap, this hurts bad... icepackicepackicepack
[X] Collect your new friend's clothes and try to wake her up...
[X] Try and recollect last night's events, maybe that'll help you figure something out.
[X] Wait a bit. Maybe someone else could help.

[X] Try and recollect last night's events, maybe that'll help you figure something out.

[X] Collect your new friend's clothes and try to wake her up...

[X] Try and recollect last night's events, maybe that'll help you figure something out.

Vote has closed...

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to the THP community.

>>198452
Merry Christmas to you too Kurzov!

[2] Try and recollect previous events...
[1] Collect your new friend's clothes and try to wake her up...


// am I going for a mimaroute or am I going for a "fuck routes" thread?

------------------------------

What even happened... Well... you started drinking the booze, danced... then it just fades. You sit there, off-put by the nearly naked Mima, but don't get any farther in your thinking.

Without much of anything else to contemplate, you stand up, precariously stepping over some of your knocked out friends. You see Ralph waking up, having the same issues that you did... and still do. On that note, it still hurts badly.

Picking up Mima's clothes from off the ground, you step back around, heading back towards her.

Poking her in an attempt to wake her up only earns you a slap on your face by way of Mima's hand. "What was that for..." You ask her quietly. "What are you doing!?" Mima replies, not giving an answer.

"Could you put your clothes back on...?" You then reply, handing them over. "Yes, yes. Look away..." Mima answers, and you do so. When you look back, Mima has her clothes back on. Additionally, Ralph is running towards you in an attempt to punch you.

What now?

----

[_] Counter
[_] Dodge
[_] Defend

[X] Dodge

[X] Defend

The vote has been closed...

In the case of a tie, the vote that began the earliest will win. In this case, it was

[_] Dodge.

Be ready...


Prepare for a perspective swap coming soon too...

[1] Dodge

(Like I posted earlier, the vote that begins accumulating votes will win in the case of a tie.)

-------------

You skid to the side, aiming to dodge. Mima, unprepared, is hit. Recovering, she audibly sighs. You respond by throwing a punch, hitting Ralph in the chest. Mima plays her part by kicking his leg.

Ralph counters with his own punch, hitting you. One more kick from Mima, and he goes down. "Well..." Mima mutters.

Well... what now?

[_] It hurts a little less, but it still hurts...
[_] I guess that's a wrap. Time to return home...

[x] Wrap

Wouldn't longer, slower updates be better?

>>198469

> Wouldn't longer, slower updates be better?

I'm typically quite 'touch-and-go' with my updates, with whatever I can think of from my head that fits going into the update. It seems that I've run out of ideas (within this segment, at least)... for now.

Happy New Year!

The vote has closed.

[1] "That's a wrap..."

---------------------------

"I guess we should..." You trailed, as you both knew where you two were going next. Soon, you and Mima left the house where the party had taken place, and began to walk home. A little while later, you were still walking. "Hey... Mima?" "Yes?" She responded. "Do you remember anything else?" You asked... but to no response. You and Mima just kept walking. "Anything at all?" "Sorry, Rob... I still don't know." She apologized. You sigh. "Perhaps that will be the case for a while...?" You then mutter, walking home alongside Mima. When you get home... you immediately go to your bed and rest.

---------------------------

OOC: Sorry.

Dream Sequence?
[_] YES
[_] NO

Next, pick one of the following arc abbreviations - it will move the plot along. It is highly recommended that you vote in both sections.

[_] YUK. Arc
[_] RUM. Arc
[_] MAK. Arc
[_] MOR. Arc
[_] RNK. Arc

[X] YES
[X] MAK. Arc

[X] YES
[X] MAK. Arc

I like how you made Ralph just assault the main character for no reason. That was amusingly random.

...They say to start criticisms with a thing you liked, so I think I did well enough. Anyway...

You know, it might be a good idea to space your dialogue out into new paragraphs when different characters speak. It'd give your more room to be creative with those sentences, and make it a little more obvious to tell who's talking- so you don't have to go "he said she said" for pretty much every interaction, for the sole sake of us knowing who said what at all. Let alone what it means for more creative coupling of prose and dialogue.

It's not a huge huge issue with your small update sizes, but it makes itself pretty apparent as well since it's just... kind of awkward. Right now it seems you start new paragraphs almost arbitrarily, just to make sure it doesn't word wall up and look ugly; and that's good! It'd be even better if you sort of knew when to start a new paragraph instead of just kind of... totally randomly guessing. It might give you a better sense of pace or look even prettier if you spaced out the dialogue when people talk after one another. Go beyond and all that, yeah?

That, and doing this gives you better independence to get more creative with descriptions of things and prose, which also plays a part in pace / learning pace, etcetera.

I suppose I say this because like, some of your interactions- particularly that fight scene- came off sort of mechanical and bland because of the lack of pace; there's not much for impact or much demonstrative result after the fact; it just sort of happens and that's that, and there's not much in the moment to be particularly energetic about even. Likely because it's the exchange between a curious Mima, Main-Character-Man, and Ralph; just a little hard to get emotionally invested since the scene is just so... unprepared.

It's hard to connect with Mima since she's not very focused on at all and she seems to be reserved here, the main character didn't particularly react to being assaulted aside from self-defense and Ralph is just... Ralph. The whole 'magical girl in my home' setting has a lot of potential for fun shenaniganry, you've just kind of got to dig into your mental recesses to build it more lavishly; this work all in all's an interesting... framework, in terms of its robustness, but otherwise lacking.

...And, I know you didn't ask for criticism! I just felt like giving it because this site does have a penchant for quality, and I'd feel it remiss if people simply passed you by without so much as a word towards their disinterest. And, yes, I'm probably who you think I am. Normally I'd leave someone who's completely ignored and evaded my words twice well enough alone, but this is a new site and all, so I find it apt to give you some fair, constructive words, especially in a place like this. Too tempting!

It'd truly be remiss if no one gave another attempt at critiquing you. Had you simply taken a less blatantly obvious moniker, I may have passed this story by, rather than stop by to observe your progress. Admittedly in bad faith of me to give you exclusive treatment, but it's not like you were trying to hide, after all; and if you were, you sure give mixed signals, including your ff.net and otherwise universal username here where anonymity is a valued option most of the time. Plus- other authors I'd feel very much sheepish about brazenly dropping an essay of criticism on their lap, especially where they probably needn't any input from me at all, but you're... more approachable, yes.

...I mean, yes, the author's always going to be identified as the author, but that doesn't mean you're bound by a mighty code of honor to always be totally transparent about your identity; especially here. Like, if your name was "RedCar1998" instead of Kurzov, I'd probably not assume you were the Kurzov from everywhere that ever existed.

I can do this for all of 2018 too, Kurzov. At least you're still carrying on, I suppose.

...Oh, and happy new year!

Vote closed.

The response to the criticism follows...

> ff.net

Yeah, the reason I just lost the motivation to do the stories that I had started there (they were pretty crappy, regardless) was that I never got any reviews, anonymous or otherwise. And I don't mind the criticism, by the way!

> 'Kurzov' as a non-anonymous user

I've always typically used 'Kurzov' as a moniker for myself, even in other... places, let's just say, that typically promote anonymous posting, and I've found it helpful often when I stick to one username across platforms. (tl;dr: personal preference, basically)

> My plot and my characters are 'flat' and rigid

My past stories have always fallen into that problem - I'm making an attempt to change that with this CYOA.

> "Magical girl in my home" setting [...]"

Yes... but not quite.

[2] - YES

[2] - MAK. Arc

----

The world around you fades to black, as you begin to get some shuteye.

----

// Dream "One" Of Four...

----

You awaken. Off in the distance, both straight ahead and to your right is a forest, with loud noises seemingly coming from there. You scratch your head in confusion, looking about. To your left, a short distance away, is a small town, looking as if it came straight out of the Renaissance.

Farther away to your right is a much larger city, with towering skyscrapers visible, even at these distances. It looks as if you are going to have to go through the forest to get to the city. The strong winds blow through your hair rapidly, and the leaves are beginning to fall.

To your side is a sword and on the other side is a gun. An orange-haired teenager wearing an orange and green striped shirt runs past you, whipping up the wind again. You look down at yourself, and you seem somewhat faded and translucent. It also appears as if you're floating a few inches off the ground.

----

[_] Head towards the commotion...
[_] Go to the city...
... [_] Renaissance town?
... [_] Modern town?
[_] Chase that kid...

also...

[_] Take the sword
[_] Take the gun

(you can only take one)

----

"Fufufufu..."

[X] Head towards the commotion...
[X] Take the gun
I'm going to be honest, I thought you would quit due to the low vote, but you just keep going and... that's really cool. You're a cool dude.

Vote closed - a lack of votes will not hold me back!

Post #12 should be coming later today...

[1] Take the gun
[1] Head toward the commotion

----

After a bit of thought, you take the gun, then begin walking toward the commotion. Wind blowing, you brush through the trees, until you can see some kind of battle going on. On one side, there is a dragon-like figure and a red-haired girl. Interestingly, the dragon-like figure is only the slightest bit taller than the red-haired girl. On the other side... You're not sure who it is, as some sort of veil is obscuring said combatant. "Hehehe... you two will just be my next meal... Hehehe..." A voice, presumably the shadowed combatant, scarily demanded.

"You're not touching Neuvy!" Neuvy must be the red-haired girl's name, you assume. "Oh, yes, I will be...!" Out from the shadow veil, you can see the tip of a glowing black sword. Then, the area goes dark...


[_] Start shooting where the shadow was!
[_] Hang back, don't want to get killed here...
[_] Shoot and hide behind the trees - although this might get risky...

[X] Start shooting where the shadow was!

Vote closed. Post #13 will hopefully come later today, if not it'll probably come out tomorrow.

Update: I've got lots of other things to do... I'll try to get the update out by this weekend.

// The not-so-long awaited post arrives.

...

[1] Start shooting where the shadow was!

With few options left, you shoot where you think the shadow was before. Unfortunately, it seems that you missed. Off in the near distance, you could hear muffled screaming. You try again, with no luck.

At a point, the shadow lifted for a moment or two. While this occurred, you could see the girl a bit more clearly, but was too short of a timeframe to exactly describe her. "So you did... you will see how you have made your last mistake." "And so will you." The dragon being and the shadow girl retorted back and forth, as the battle seemed to shift into a pause.

...

[_] Keep shooting the shadow-girl, hopefully you'll get her eventually!
[_] Wait and see what happens next, best to ask questions first, shoot later.
[_] Run away... otherwise "you'll be dead before you even know it!"

[_] Wait and see what happens next, best to ask questions first, shoot later.

Vote closed. Post #14 coming soon.

[x] No thanks, shadow girl! You're taking it like a man! (Shoot)

[X] "So, you know where we are?"

[X] "So, you know where we are?"

[x] To the big castle in the distance

[X] To the big castle in the distance

It's good to see you being a bit more descriptive in your writing.

Vote closed. Will write post #17 soon - no ETA yet.

[X] Grab Mima. GTFO

Voting closed. Post #18 in the works.

> [_] Try to outrun the maid.
--> [_] Use other methods.
[_]Through a window

> [_] Scarlet Devil Mansion.

[X] Discuss the 'lack of color'.

Kinda thinking this is the cause of everything

[x] Ask what happened with the rest of the mansion...

[x] Discuss the 'lack of color'.

Not really my thing, but have a vote anyway wink wink

[X] The village.

Not the most helpful place, but the most obvious for our character

Hi. It's been a while so I'll keep it short. I am not dead, I have just been quite busy with school and tests and other such things. Now that school is over for the year, I hope to put out an update within the month. Thanks for being patient with me.

~ Kurzov