LAE thread 15, day 12 Teruyo !Wo5j3FYZRg 2008/06/10 (Tue) 18:09 No. 5024 ▼ File 121312139121.jpg - (83.36KB, 523x700 , moonprincess.jpg)
You take a deep breath. You think about all that you've mused over before and make up your mind. You organize your thoughts into a coherent order and begin to speak. It takes you a few moments before you can talk.
“Well,” you begin to say. “I think it'd be best if I started by apologizing.” You smile at her. She just looks at you, as if your words don't hold much meaning. Well, this is to be expected from an apology. So no need to panic at her static behavior.
You can't help but feel nervous as you look at her regal and dignified posture. Her refined appearance and aura seem to very well define the mood of this conversation. Her simple, yet elegant dress suits her perfectly, you can't help but think. Her long dark hair possesses a beautiful sheen to it, and you can't help but wonder how she keeps it so beautiful despite of her more 'base' habits like lounging around for whole days at a time on her computer. You feel that you'd love to just be able to brush that hair, let alone feel it's silky strings on your fingertips. What an odd thing to think about, but you'd happily spend hours brushing her hair and making it gleam even more.
Focus! You're losing yourself to that beautiful and wonderful luster. You try to find your place in your thoughts again. Having paused enough from your initial statement you continue to speak.
“I know that an empty apology does not mean much.” You say and see that her expression is, unfortunately, indecipherable. You can't tell what effects your words are having on her. It's a complete mystery to you as to what thoughts cross her mind right now. “I just wanted to state that what I did was a horrible misuse of the time that we spend together.”
You take a quick glance at her, still no change.
“I know that we don't spend much time together. I either come to see you at bad times or I am elsewhere. In fact, in the two weeks that I've been here I could probably have made time to see you more often.” Wait, that line of thought implicates that you've been negligent. Crap, this might give her more ammo for her anger. Better just close off that window and just make your point. A more beneficial train of thought is in order here. “What I want to say is that I shouldn't have squandered the precious moments we have together. We would've been having fun together and doing something normally, but I instead chose to do something stupid.”
You peek at her again. You can't tell just what's going through her mind but you think she might either be disappointed, or maybe even slightly... sad. You totally don't know what's she's thinking about your words or if they're having any effect. For all that you could know, she could be thinking about today's lunch. Man, you really suck at understanding other people. You'd think that being around lots of people lately would have helped, but it looks like you're as hopeless as ever. Well, on the flip side you think that you're easy to read. Wait, that's not necessarily a good thing. Damn. You suck at interpersonal relations. You sigh on the inside and continue speaking.
“Kaguya, you're someone special to me.” You say. “You're an important friend.” You hesitate slightly and uncertainty shows on your voice. “I don't know, but you seem to be more than just a friend to me. Please don't ask me what that means, as I'm afraid that I couldn't answer myself.” You start fidgeting with your hands. You start tugging on a sleeve of your Kimono. Your hands are moving in response to your uncertain heart. “I just know that having you in my life is worthwhile, and if that's true friendship, then so be it. If it's something else besides feeling of friendship... ah, no forget it. It's not worth talking about hypotheticals.” You say that last part a bit flustered. You can feel that you're getting a bit red.
Why is this happening? Is it because of your confusion? You just know that your feelings aren't solid nor unanimous, it's as if you've got parts of you that want to see her as just an important friend, and other parts that want more. Or is it because her stoic gaze is making you nervous? You take another glance at her. She's still looking pretty indifferent, but you could swear that her expression has softened a bit. This change might have been so slight that you aren't even sure that you're not just projecting things that you want to see. Given your nervousness, that just might be the case. Your fingertips keep playing with the hem of your clothing and you have to take a deep breath before you're able to continue. You lift your gaze up to look at Kaguya straight on. She glances back into your eyes. This makes you feel uneasy, but you steel yourself and continue to talk. You've got to say your piece completely. No interruptions due to your uncertain feelings.
“You see,” You resume. “I myself know that I'm no good at understanding other's feelings.” You sigh out loud and continue. “Among my few talents, I'd have to say that understanding how others think and why they do the things they do are not among them. And forget even trying to understand their feelings – I totally suck at that!” You laugh a bit nervously to try show the honesty of your statement.
You notice that Kaguya's eyes have changed a bit, if it weren't for her unchanging expression, you'd even say that her eyes look like they're laughing. You take that as a sign and carry on.
“Anyone that's been around me for five minutes knows this. I can't help it. As much as I try I can't seem to figure other people out.” You start laughing a bit again, this time a bit more naturally. “I've even had to ask advice from a deity who was a woman for ten years! Imagine that! A transsexual god! And me having to resort to asking advice from it!” As you say this, you silently pray in your mind that your god will forgive you for your blasphemous words and make a note to set up an offering later to assuage his (or is it her's?) just wrath. Please be at a frat party somewhere and not looking at you right now.
“However,” You say before you look too pathetic. “I like to believe that I act honestly with accordance to my feelings. I know it's not much consolation, but I like to believe that I'm the authentic me no matter how much of a jackass I can be or how stupid I can act at times. So I'm always true with myself. It's probably due to this that I can't understand others, but I hope that others can understand why I do the things that I do.”
You see now that Kaguya has most definitely changed her expression. It only lasted for a moment, but you think that you saw in her face quite the combination. A mixture of a knowing look, with something like sadness (or frustration?), and a whole spectrum of other feelings. You can't, quite frankly put, know exactly what to make of it. You assess the situation. There's an enormous silence in the room. The tension in the air is so thick that you could probably scoop a whole bunch of it by using an empty jar. It feels almost tangible. Well, it seems like now would be a good time to wrap things up.
You look at Kaguya. She looks back with her static, patient expression. You slowly begin to bow, but then decide against it. You instead get up. Kaguya does not say a word and just stares at you. You walk over to her and kneel. Hesitating for but a moment, you hug her at an angle. You can't see a good portion of her face but it doesn't matter. You feel her warmth and you can feel your heart beating fast. She doesn't really react to your hug but she doesn't push you away either. As you continue to hug her, you say your final few thoughts.