DERP WARS
Denying extremely-realistic “plotholes”

CHOOSE YOUR CHARACTER:

[ ] Patchouli
Premise: Your big alchemy presentation is tomorrow, but your housemates are very inconsiderate of this fact. Find ways to get them to leave you alone!

[ ] Tullia
Premise: All the upperclasswomen are out of town for the night, leaving you in charge. Make sure the other girls don’t get into too much trouble while they’re gone!

[ ] Therese
Premise: You are Iron Man. You are Spartacus. You are Morpheus. You’re the goddamn Batman. WHO THE HELL DO THEY THINK YOU ARE?! Use your shapeshifting for maximum hijinks!

[ ] Sapphire
Premise: Remilia promised that tonight would be a vampire-girl’s night out with just you, her, and Flandre, but only if you get all your chores finished to her satisfaction. The quicker you’re done, the more time you’ll have to rock the hell out!

[X] Patchouli

neat

>>58740
That route already happened.

[X] Patchouli

[x] Sapphire

I feel like she has gotten the least exposure of all of them.

[x]Patchouli

Alright, then. I guess that I'll be looking through the archives for that route.

[x] Therese
Because I was promised hijinks. Dirty hijinks.

>>58743
I'm with you, there.
[x] Sapphire

>>58743
>>58747

Eh, why not.

[x] Sapphire

Well, I was quietly waiting for a tiebreaker, but I guess I've waited long enough. At 3-3 for Patchouli versus Sapphire, I'm going to rule it as Sapphire, because I agree with all y'all that said she really hasn't been seen much. Not exactly her fault; she's one of those snooty types that doesn't like to mingle.

I'm back up at college and the craziness of the first week is subsiding, so I'll get this one out tomorrow, and hopefully I can start speeding up the update speed.

You are not “Sapphire”. Sapphire was a name given to you out of backhanded spite by the person whom you admire above all else, and is a clumsy portmanteau for “Saturday’s faux vampire”. You abhor the name, but as it was given to you by the person who so graciously made you a “faux vampire” in the first place, you’ve been forced to suck it up and learn how to deal. Names are an important thing to vampires: with their long lives, their name is their legacy, inspiring fear and honor to all who hear it.

You’re still working on that part; it’s only your second year here, after all. Even the greats have to start somewhere, which for you was spending the better part of a year being the head resident’s doormat and de-facto slave to prove you had what it takes to both endure life’s hardships and appreciate what vampirism means to you. Greek pledging’s a bitch these days. And even then it only half-worked; vampirism by blood is actually a sort of magical infection, but fairies can’t get sick and don’t have blood. You are so glad you didn’t have to figure all that out; you’re putting yourself to sleep just thinking about it again.

That’s all behind you now; you’re strong, you’re focused, and you just love what it’s done to your hair! To be quite honest you just can’t stand most other fairies, and never really have been able to. They’re just so bouncy and petty, never really seeming to do anything with their lives. Which is great for college and all that, but what about afterwards? You’ve got to grow up sometime, so might as well start early while you’re still young and know everything!

But you’re not allowed to say that in Remilia’s presence; she always giggles and rolls her eyes at you. You’re not entirely sure why.

Speaking of Remilia, you were finally able to secure a ladies’ night with her tonight, after weeks of nagging and trying to match your schedule’s up! And then of course Flandre wanted to come to, and of course Remilia said yes, because of course Remilia will do anything for her sister, which of course is going to ruin the whole evening, but of course you’re not allowed to say that, either. There are a lot of things you’re not allowed to say when you’re a lady; it ruins the image. But it’s totally not fair that Remilia still gets to say them and can still look totally cool doing it! She’s so awesome~…

Oh look, it’s Miss Not Awesome At All herself. Hello there, overly-ironic hipster. Are Raybans Wayfairers too mainstream for you, today?


[ ] No, I don’t want to watch this year’s Sundance winner with you.
[ ] No, I don’t have time to help you with your Literature Revisions homework.
[ ] No, I don’t want to go to the hockey game tonight.
[ ] No, I don’t want any of your cookies; I don’t care if you accidentally made too many.
[ ] No, I don’t want to disagree with whatever it is that you’re about to suggest.

[x] No, I don’t want to watch this year’s Sundance winner with you.
[x] No, I don’t have time to help you with your Literature Revisions homework.
[x] No, I don’t want to go to the hockey game tonight.
[x] No, I don’t want any of your cookies; I don’t care if you accidentally made too many.
[x] No, I don’t want to disagree with whatever it is that you’re about to suggest. Just leave me alone. I have things I need to do.

Jeez, some people are so pushy. We already have plans for tonight! Go away!

[X]...what kind of cookies are we talkin here?

[x] No, I don’t want to watch this year’s Sundance winner with you.
[x] No, I don’t have time to help you with your Literature Revisions homework.
[x] No, I don’t want to go to the hockey game tonight.
[x] No, I don’t want any of your cookies; I don’t care if you accidentally made too many.
[x] No, I don’t want to disagree with whatever it is that you’re about to suggest. Just leave me alone. I have things I need to do.

"Hey, do you want to-"
"No."
"How about we-"
"No."
"What if-"
"No."
"-"
"No."

[x] No, I don't want potent potables.
-[x] No, I don't know what is
-[x] No, I don't really care either.
I like how she keeps her options open.

[x] No, I don’t want to watch this year’s Sundance winner with you.
[x] No, I don’t have time to help you with your Literature Revisions homework.
[x] No, I don’t want to go to the hockey game tonight.
[x] No, I don’t want any of your cookies; I don’t care if you accidentally made too many.
[x] No, I don’t want to disagree with whatever else it is that you’re about to suggest. Just leave me alone. I have things I need to do.

>>58823
You forgot:
[X] No I don't believe I am, in fact, boxed in and thus won't jump out the window.

[X] No, I don’t want to watch this year’s Sundance winner with you.
[X] No, I don’t have time to help you with your Literature Revisions homework.
[X] No, I don’t want to go to the hockey game tonight.
[X] No, I don’t want any of your cookies; I don’t care if you accidentally made too many.
[X] No, I don’t want to agree with whatever it is that you’re about to suggest.
[x] No, I don't want potent potables.
-[x] No, I don't know what is
-[x] No, I don't really care either.
[X] No, I don't believe I am, in fact, boxed in and thus won't jump out the window.
[X] No.

You’re not even going to give Therese an inch; if you engage her in conversation you’ll never be rid of her. Be firm with children and they’ll usually leave you alone! You tell her you don’t want to do whatever it is that she’s about to suggest; you already have “plans”. She asks you what if she was about to suggest not bothering the other girls tonight, hmm? You say don’t start that; she knows what you mean. She then of course asks what kind of plans, and you say that they’re your kind of plans, not hers, so go be cuh-razee someplace that is not this immediate vicinity. You attempt to punctuate the request with a COMMANDING VAMPIRE LEER; the effect leaves something to be desired, as Therese is still standing there once you’ve turned it off.

She sighs and says she’ll leave you alone, but seriously girl, if you stay by yourself all the time you’ll never have any fun in college ever! These are the best years of your life, when you can try anything and still be young enough to appreciate it! You thank her for her concern, but you think you’ll be all right. That’s what they all say, she jabs back as she leaves you in peace.

That was a nice little distraction from your Literature Revisions homework. Normally you’d prefer to work on it over the weekend, but Remilia laid out some pretty strict rules for your ladies’ night, one of which is that if you have any outstanding homework by seven o’clock, the whole thing is off. Such a stupid class; it’s not about writing things, it’s about revising what’s already been written, by someone who’s not you. Normally it’d be only mildly tiresome, but you’ve been running yourself ragged for the last three hours with miscellaneous homework already, and you’ve more or less run out of patience for this tripe. No way to fake it, either; Remilia is for-sure going to look straight into your eyes when she asks you if you’ve done all your work, and you, y-you… You can’t lie to her, you just, you can’t! She’s just too cool, too elegant!

Guh, what to do…


[ ] H-hey, Therese…? Maybe we could, umm, work on homework together after all?
[ ] Therese! I demand to know what you did for your Lit. Rev. homework! It’s not copying, it’s synergy!
[ ] Tough it out; a real lady doesn’t let her weakness be shown!
[ ] Half-ass the rest and risk Remilia finding out that you did.

[x] Tough it out; a real lady doesn’t let her weakness be shown!

How can we ever be as cool or elegant as Remilia if we just gave up like that? It's not even about our night out with her, we're doing this on principle, damnit!

[x] Therese! I demand to know what you did for your Lit. Rev. homework! It’s not copying, it’s synergy!

Hmmm... I have a bit of a hard time deciding what to vote for.

[X] Tough it out; a real lady doesn’t let her weakness be shown!

If we ever want to be a true Lady like Remilia we must first act like one.
A Lady is someone others look up to, and for them to do so you have to be elegant, stylish, dignified and, most of all, above them.
We can't crack under the first bit of pressure and, Gods forbid, associate with plebians.

Although technically everyone in the house, including Remilia, are below even the level of plebians since they aren't citizens of the Roman Empire, but still...

[X] H-hey, Therese…? Maybe we could, umm, work on homework together after all?
[X] But seriously, what kind of cookies were they?

But no, no, of course not; you can’t just wimp out and half-ass the rest, because you’d never be able to live with yourself if you did. And you can’t ask for help, because you’re supposed to be the person that the other girls look up to for direction. Sometimes it really sucks being responsible, though; you don’t have Sakuya’s time-cheats or Tullia’s great big heart or Remilia’s charisma to get you through the tough times. One of these days you just know you’ll get there, though! And then you can rub it in their faces by showing that you don’t need to be special to be special!

This to-be-revised paper is an absolute mess, all the same. It reads like a bad piece of internet fiction, giving you the worst of both grammatical errors and content errors, both of which you’re supposed to annotate away while explaining why you did. You have a sneaking suspicion that the professor actually did pull this straight from some seedy underbelly of some amateur website; she’s young enough to be with the times like that. Of course, you’ve got an even worse suspicion that she was the one who wrote it, and that’d just be all kinds of awkward. Seriously, why is it always about fawning true love and tortured similes that only get less romantic the purpler the prose becomes?

You still don’t know what Remilia and Flandre see in those Twilight books. They both claim that it’s irony of the highest level, but you’re pretty sure if there was a joke in there somewhere it wouldn’t be aimed high enough to go over your head.

An inexcusable amount of time later, the inexcusable paper that is stupid is saved and safely on the memory stick on your keyring; you’ll print it off tomorrow before class. Yes, you could go to the labs now and print it off, or ask one of the girls with a printer to do it for you, but dang it, you don’t feel like it and if Remilia gets on your case about it well that’s too bad! It’s already five after five and ever since lunch you’ve been homeworking it up; even ladies get tired of monotony, after all. You’re getting kind of hungry, but Remilia will probably be taking you out to dinner, and you’ll want to experience the best she has to offer! Well, unless she’s not taking you out to dinner, in which case then you’ll be hungry all night but won’t be able to say that.


[ ] Make yourself a light snack, just in case.
[ ] Check with Remilia about her plans for the night, and if there’s other things she wants you to do yet.
[ ] Swing by Flandre’s room; see what her expectations for tonight is, and what yours should be.
[ ] Use your CHARISMA to get Flandre to back out of coming tonight so you’ll have Remi all to yourself!
[ ] Be the bigger woman and apologize to Terry about blowing her off a while ago.

After not playing Minecraft for years, because I knew I would get addicted, I have unfortunately gotten addicted to Terraria.

[x] Use your CHARISMA to get Flandre to back out of coming tonight so you’ll have Remi all to yourself!

Because we need to practice our Vampire mojo.

[X] Use your CHARISMA to get Flandre to back out of coming tonight so you’ll have Remi all to yourself!
-[X] If that fails, you can probably just throw her a set of color crayons or whatever. That girl is so simple you just can't believe she's actually related to someone like Remilia.

[x] Make yourself a light snack, just in case.
[x] Use your CHARISMA to get Flandre to back out of coming tonight so you’ll have Remi all to yourself!

What's the worst that could happen?

[x] Make yourself a light snack, just in case.
[x] Be the bigger woman and apologize to Terry about blowing her off a while ago.

A lady also knows when to acknowledge that she's been rude.

[X] You're boxed in! Jump out the window!

[X] Use your CHARISMA to get Flandre to back out of coming tonight so you’ll have Remi all to yourself!
-[X] If that fails, you can probably just throw her a set of color crayons or whatever. That girl is so simple you just can't believe she's actually related to someone like Remilia.
[X] Be the bigger woman and apologize to Terry about blowing her off a while ago.

This thread isn't, uh, dead, right? I just felt the need to vote.

>This thread isn't, uh, dead, right?
>last update was five years ago
take a fucking guess, genius

that's a big oof right there