Hello, I wrote Blue Flame.

I got inspired to write it by seeing all of the jokes about Shion being blue Mokou. It was pretty fun to write, Shion was fun to write as a Doofenschmirtz level unlucky/kind of dumb character. The scene which I actually envisioned first was the clash between Mokou's amulets and Shion's eviction notice thingies, and the idea of Shion clashing against Mokou's red flames with her blue flames inspired the title.(Even with Mokou also being able to create blue flames lol.) The fight scene in general was good fun to write, especially with how cool Mokou's fighting style is, and forcing myself to think of how Shion could manage in a fight without Jo'on(or going full misfortune super-saiyan.)

I will admit that it probably could have done with some refinement, especially the middle part- the journey to, and entry to the village. I had wanted to play on the humour of someone not knowing Shion was a fake, but still sensing something off, but I think I probably should have either skipped it or at least left it squarely on Shion's POV.

As for my character, let's go with Murasa. She's pretty cool, and she was especially so in Sunken Fossil World. I probably won't be able to put much of her in my own story though, so it'll be good to see her.

Of course, my congratulations to Lost Soul on the win, and thanks to Gooboi for hosting, to everyone who gave feedback, and especially to the two who voted for my story.

>>17612

I really liked your story! Everything reminded me of Urth of the New Sun.

>>17611

Yeah, the ending could have used improvement, but Alice really felt like the tactically-thinking youkai she is.

Byakuren has a pretty interesting origin, if you think about it. ZUN took a figure from one of the Shigisan Engi Emaki scrolls, the monk Myouren's sister, in that story an elderly nun, and used her as the basis for a character. Incidentally, the Flying Storehouse in the UFO incident, which later becomes the Myouren Temple, is pretty clearly based off of the story from the first scroll, detailing Myouren being a bit saucy and making a rich farmer's granary fly away.

As to Byakuren herself, I like her on a certain level, but she is also fairly complicated as a character. She definitely does not fully speak the truth with people and is a touch conniving, but she's not exactly malicious about it. She is, as with most people, self-interested and concerned with what will benefit the temple and thereby her. She also definitely does lean on her disciples to handle things around the temple; find a temple head priest who doesn't. But, well, I think her flaws are what I find most charming. I don't care all that much about the fact that she's technically a magician, but it is an additionally interesting facet.

I've sort of written her once, and would maybe try again if the chance presented itself, but I would say that I had a difficult time of it owing to how complicated she is as a character. The other part about it is that her relationships with her disciples are pretty unclear. Yes, all of them more or less owe her one for saving them in some way, but that's about all we truly know. (Actually, in the case of Kyouko, it's not even that deep, so we know even less there.) We don't know how they would actually interact with her on a personal level. Do they all actually fawn on her and elevate her as some kind of hero figure? Do they simply tolerate her and view her mostly as their boss? What about Shou and her status as avatar of Bishamonten, making her a bit of a special case? Who really has authority over whom in that relationship? It's one of the weaknesses of the Myouren cast in general — their general lack of cohesion as a 'cast'.

For my part, I think that she and Shou

As I'm busy preparing to go out of the country for the next month, I don't have that much time to deal with this thread, so we're going on hold yet again. The thread's near auto-sage anyway, so this is as good a point as any to drop off for now. See you in November with a fresh thread.

In all honesty, maybe you'll just offload the thread to someone else (again) instead of shutting it down?
It doesn't seem like much work to take on, simply post a first post with roll and a second one with collection of canonical sources, that's all for mandatory threadkeeping.

Pretty quiet around here. Guess I'll take that as nobody else having much to say. In which case, here's the face reveal: I wrote The Problem with Civilisation.

In all honesty, it was a struggle to bring this piece to any kind of conclusion. I didn't start with much momentum, and life made it hard to ramp up to any degree. Various obligations that I couldn't put off left me with little focus or free time a lot of days, so there were many days where I simply made no progress at all. That I made it with a couple of days to spare so I could do a perfunctory self-edit and proofread was a feat in and of itself.

It all just underscores that I'm not a writer who can work quickly at all, nor can I very readily reconcile the basic conceptual matter of a story with actual written words. The concept of this piece took me close to a week to even nail down, for instance. I had initially felt like doing something involving tengu, based on one of the suggestions in the OP, but I couldn't come up with anything at all. I suppose the choice of Nemuno was largely due to the Character Discussion Thread. I still had a bit of the discussion about her kicking around in the back of my head by the time the contest started, so I guess she was just sort of an 'easy' choice at the time. She's also deceptively simple as a character. Deceptively.

I say that because I did struggle to feel as if I had a good sense of how to portray the mountain hag beyond the most superficial elements. The particular tone of her dialogue was simple enough, but figuring out what she would actually say, for instance, had me pulling out my hair at points. There were instances where I had to cut back on dialogue for her and try to use Byakuren to push things along instead. Then, when Kenji was actually awake and in the scene, I had to struggle to figure out how she would deal with him. Yes, yes, mommy hag and all, but I wasn't interested in taking the absolute easiest route possible. In that sense, my own struggle to reckon with Nemuno as a character is represented in some of the struggle she has wit

Same poster from >>17559

Otherworldly Flavor

A cute short that felt absolutely like a Touhou work, this one I enjoyed. The characters were used effectively, and I felt like I was reading Youmu and Yuyuko and people with similar names. The theme was simple but strong; Youmu was obligated to fulfill her master's order, and she took the opportunity to go out and party while still getting the job done.

My favorite short in this exhibition. The author had an idea, and they executed it well.

Eientei M.D.

I see the idea; you know how to leave clues, and throughout the story, I felt like I could figure out the mystery. To me, that's where half the fun is, feel close to solving the puzzle and I think you did fine from that angle.

I would like to see you hone your skill in making a mystery. The grammar could use work, but that'll naturally improve the more you write and read. You love House M.D? Watch the episodes and study them; Engage with the media you love and dissect it. You watched your favorite episode? Study and see why it stood out from the rest. Least favorite? Study and ask yourself why it leaves a weaker impact on you.

Be wary of giving a pre-existing character a child. It's a powerful hook and doubly so for someone like Mokou No Fujiwara. It creates intrigue and a lot of questions which is what you want for mystery fic.

Who's the father? Magic exists, so was it with a woman instead? What is the parents' relationship with each other? What is their relation to their daughter and etc.

But the fic wasn't about the daughter, so those questions are left unanswered because it wouldn't affect the actual story. It's a powerful trope so give it serious thought if you really want to make a child oc, or stick to the pre-existing character because in this situation, you could have Mokou and it would not have changed the story.

I hope I can see your writing again in the next exhibition; I'm making an assumption here, but I did feel like you enjoyed writing

Records of a Burdens

I like the story and it did tug at my heart, some things didn't stick the landing for me.

Despite the story's conflict happening because of Akyuu's sense of impending death from her curse, it's odd that it wasn't shown. The closest we get is her hand straining, but that's due to overworking. She tells us how her body reminds her that she should be dead by now, so show us what she's feeling. Keine says she looks haggard, but we never get a physical description of her body outside her writing hand. You can describe how messy her hair is or maybe she couldn't bring herself to put the brush on the paper.

To summarize: Show me what the characters are telling. A short paragraph about Akyuu's body feeling off would go a long way.

Otherworldly Flavors
This is my favorite and it's hard to suggest any improvement. If I could make one suggestion, I would like it if the story had a more prominent conflict. Youmu goes to get snacks for Yuyuko, but there aren't many obstacles that stand in her way. There was the tengu, but the fight was stopped before it started. When Youmu was flying back, I thought that was when the conflict would start and she now had to resist eating all the snacks while drunk, but that didn't happen either.

You could have it that when she was paying for her snack, Youmu realized the money Yuyuko gave her was missing, or she was more tempted to eat all the snacks before reaching home. Anything that would make the reader wonder if she'll succeed in her quest or fail trying.

The Problem with Civilization
I've seen you talk about your struggle in writing, and I want to say I am happy to see your writing in this exhibition. I also appreciate you taking the time to critique my work and show where I can improve. However, there's room for improvement as a writer and a critic.

For writing: Byuakren and her group's whole purpose in the story was to bind Nemuno and Kenji to

That's probably why I didn't see it.
In the character.txt of my PCB copy it's translated as: "Like Chen, her shape is unchanged and she has a well-sociable personality."
It's a difference of how 性格は丸い is translated.

"Well-sociable personality" isn't wrong, either; it's just how they ignored the overall structure of the sentence.
>姿かたち：普段と代わりが無い
>が、
>性格：丸い。
が "but" draws a contrast between these two topic/comments. Translating it as "and" is just a weirdly lazy move.

>>17531
>>17532
re: 'crime', that wasn't the focus of my mutterings. The point was whether or not youkai have any vested interest in keeping villagers from harming each other, considering they are of outmoded importance to Gensokyo's order. To be clear, I don't think there's any factual answer to that question, though my feeling is that, yes, they have some interest. To what extent? Well, that's a whole other question.

>>17504
Nothing so trivial. It's their personalities. Their characterizations. What sequence of events bring out the feelings and thoughts about those things and them isn't really something I can suggest—that's up to you because it depends on the things you want to do with those characters.

Maybe I'm doing a poor job of explaining this but it seems obvious to me: I would like to learn more about who they actually are because one of the things that seemed clear to me from reading the story was that they were all hiding their actual thoughts and feelings because (plot) reasons. I want to see a little behind the curtain and it doesn't matter if it's their opinions on whatever trite things you listed so long as it's something that's important to them or their character. Again, not something I can suggest since only you would know what those things are. All I can offer is the most general setups for that like Aun sleuthing around, uncovering something that can't be avoided, overhearing something, being nosy, talking over drinks/tea, etc. since I can't know what you know and feel about the characters and what would come out.

If you can't do that, that's fine. I don't mind little vignettes as suggested by another poster and a clash with Aya in terms of reporting or managing the "truth" that's printed in any article could be interesting. My main interest in the story comes from the characters and their depictions and I can't tell you what they should be.

>>17506
In all honesty, I'm not sure if I can do what you're asking. Probably the deepest problem with the main story is that I figured out after a point that I don't feel secure in knowing much about the principle characters much less what to do with them. The plot, such as it was, was based on a couple of arbitrary answers to questions posed to me, and I'm lukewarm at best on those points now; the main thing stopping me from redoing everything is not knowing what I'd do instead. On top of that, I had (and still have) numerous wide gaps in my understanding of the characters that can't be bridged just by reading some profiles and manga. For instance, I couldn't tell you who Sanae is outside of her shrine maiden role; I don't know what she's actually interested in, what she normally does in her free time, how she feels about this thing or the other, etc. The foundations for all of those characters is shaky at best, and I don't know what concrete steps I can take to fix that.

So, I don't know what else to say. I can maybe string together something from suggestions about specific scenarios, and that's about the best I can do right now. Sitting still for a long time only continues to hurt me, so I'd like to somehow keep moving forward and eventually find some way of fixing the foundational issues, and I think the only way that's likely to happen is a process of doing and discovery. However, motivating that process isn't something I can do myself. What I'm doing right now is all I know to do at this point.

I'm sorry to unload all of this behind-the-curtain talk, but what you're asking touches right on a lot of the deep frustrations I've had with this story and writing in general.

>>17507
As I said before, it's fine if you can't. While I'm interested in what I'm interested, the simpler idea about the aftermath at the Hakurei shrine is also ok. I'm partial to a series of short notes/articles by Aya following attempts to interview the involved parties as a style and/or framing device. Though, perhaps, that might end up being more about Aya and her pushiness rather than the interview subjects (Reimu, Aunn, Marisa?, others?) themselves. Dunno what the other anon might think.

Anonymous reviewer. My opinions, humbly submitted for your perusal.

Takeo the Lucky, Written by Kosuzu Motoori for the Good Children of the Vi(scounty of Bragelonne)

WAHOO!

Nah, Kosuzu wouldn't write like this. I see what you're saying about the metafiction angle but it's distinctly purposeless at every layer of metafiction. Within the story itself it's just "flavourless OC dude gets doted on by out-of-character 2hu girls"; one layer up there's no hint of why Kosuzu would be motivated to write something like this or how it's received in-universe or anything like that; and at the top layer there's nothing being conveyed between you and I by the use of this device except that you liked some books you read that used it and you wanted to try it out for yourself.

Well, if you enjoy the conceit of meta-fictional works being purportedly transmitted to the reader through the author as an intermediary, I'd recommend maybe picking up, say, Don Quixote? Pseudotranslations were rather common historically, both as wink-wink-nudge-nudge sorts of affairs (as in the case of Don Quixote) and as deliberate acts of deception, since "older = better" was the default view on written works for such a long time. As far as more modern pseudotranslations go, there's of course a few famous ones by Borges, and (just off the top of my head) Michael Crichton's Eaters of the Dead, maybe? Anyone else wanna chime in?

Gamblers Deliᵹꞇ ~ Bꞃiᵹꞇ Fꞃiᵹꞇ

Tell tell tell you're telling too much and not showing enough. I dunno. It's just kind of bland? Like I'm reading "Sannyo REACTS to stuff happening in her gambling den". Stuff happens but I don't feel invited in at all because it feels like someone DMing their own roleplay or something. It feels like the investment is supposed to come from, like, who gets the social upper hand in this ex

Midtvinter

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LETTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY LIBERA ME FROM THIS SWEATY SUMMER HELL

Hmm. What do I say? There's frankly a lot of, like, uncanny phrasing and word usage throughout that feels like the sentences were worked over with tweezers and stitches rather than a brush, which sort of kills the flow and makes it kind of hard to follow. Like: "a puff from the kiseru twinned with a gesture [...] drew the eye and disabled the thinking mind". Classic garden-path effect—without commas setting off the reduced relative clause, "twinned" is apt to be read as a main verb, leading to disaster when the reader hits "drew". Or "it failed to register with the lascivious levity that was intended in the mind of the dazed man": "in the mind of the dazed man" is of course meant to modify "register", but the closer verb is "was intended", and it again takes a moment to correct the attachment. "deftly damped down on the red embers with fingers moistened by an ashen glob of saliva until it extinguished": "until it extinguished" meant for "damped down", but overtures made towards "moistened" instead.

Or in this sentence: "their focus turning to the >>seemingly<-effortless< manner {that she would turn her head {as if to follow her own enticingly private thoughts or to fix a wayfaring strand of light-colored hair {that happened to find its way across from the >>otherwise< orderly< gathered clump {that flowed from a royal yellow bow atthebackofherheaddownbelowhershoulders}}}}". The parts highlighted with >angle brackets< point out interjected low-content adverbs modifying adjective phrases which in turn are interjected between the "the" and the noun in noun phrases. These are non-trivial syntactic operations, which can be used for effect but which it's better to limit, particularly for low-content applications (unlike in e.g. "enticingly private"). They're kind of everywhere in this piece, and two in the same sentence

>>17455
There must be confusion here, the number of people who refer to Chinese characters as hieroglyphs on the internet should be non-singular.

1) Did you participate in the exhibition as either a writer or a reader? If so, why? If so, why not?
I did not participate. the theme just didn't grab me, and without a prize there was no reason for me to participate if it didn't grab me.

2) How often do you think that these types of events should be held? (eg twice a year, three or four times a year etc)
anywhere from two to four, depending on momentum.

3) Did you think that the theme was interesting? Why or why not?
Personally, it felt like it was a combination of almost too vague and too specific. It says a lot that about half of the stories zeroed in on gambling as a theme. fate could be literally anything, luck very few things.

4) For future events should the theme be more specific, broader, focused on specific characters or locations, or something else?
I don't think the theme's specificity is a problem, just the topic itself was more pigeonholy than it might seem at first glance.

5) Does not having a prize or voting for a winner like with previous contests better or worse? Or does it not matter at all?
It can be a deciding factor. It definitely was at least partially that for me. but i think it did fine.

>>17468
>lead-in short by the host/writer
The thing with this is that the host often participates as well, and entrants generally (are supposed to) remain anonymous until afterward in hopes of reducing audience bias. If THP had a more numerous and (consistently) active userbase, I might agree that something like this could work, but it sounds like this is basically 'host sits out', which wouldn't help the numbers problem. In any case, I'm not sure I see how it would necessarily lure people from 'other places'. Why does it need to be something the host does? Why does it have to a piece purpose-written for advertisement? I think efforts would be better spent recommending existing things on THP if convincing others from elsewhere to come here is the concern, to be somewhat blunt; ideas as to the 'elsewhere' and how best to reach out are always welcome, as we've not had any real concerted advertising/recruitment efforts beyond some writers independently cross-posting to some place.

>October event
I have no real opinion either way. Go for it if you think you can. Perhaps test out the host-written lead-in idea and see if it works, too.

1) Did you participate in the exhibition as either a writer or a reader? If so, why? If so, why not?
Initially planned to write but did not complete an entry. I also wasn't satisfied with the concept I had. Honestly, I don't have enough time and energy to do everything I want, and I chose to give other things priority. I feel bad that I did so, though. I think that I struggle to write something to fit a predefined theme, which is a major obstacle for completing a story for events unless I already have an idea in mind that fits.

2) How often do you think that these types of events should be held? (eg twice a year, three or four times a year etc)
I think 3 times per year is a good pace to try. I don't have specific times in mind.

3) Did you think that the theme was interesting? Why or why not?
I thought the theme of fortune and luck was good. Having things be uncertain is a universal experience that can resonate with an audience in any number of ways, from outright games of chance to making more mundane decisions in money, career, school, romance, etc. - the stuff you see on omikuji, which would have been appropriate for the setting. Really, I think that the limiting factor for these events as a whole isn't the choice of theme, but the imagination and skill of the writers. As others pointed out, most of the stories used gambling as the main means to include the theme and left it at that. My opinion is that only one story had something to say about the theme of fortune itself, and the rest ranged from having it on a superficial level to approaching the finish line but not crossing it. I noticed a trend in the entries of spending significant attention on detailing the rules and minutia of the game featured. I don't care in the slightest about games of chance in of themselves; in this context they are merely devices for discussing the theme of the story - what it's supposed to be building up to from the beginning. I care about fortune itself and whether the story had something interesting to say about that.
Concrete examples of ways to approach the theme, in addition to a clarification of the theme itself, were included in the OP for the contest to addr

Step- I would be fine enough with if it's not too central. Outright and actual is not my ball game.

The pics look amazing, by the way!

>>17268
Got you. No Mike showing her littermate the rapes. I mean, the ropes.

The prize has been delivered: >>/at/41374

Thus I declare the contest closed.

>>17228
Minor correction for the OP:

The old story discussion thread is now autosaged and a new one has been created at >>17303.

At random, I had a re-read of Summerfield's Tengu Hold 'em (>>/youkai/31720) and feel it's held up very well over the three years since its posting. I'd forgotten the dialogue being hilarious enough to make me actually laugh out loud, the ridiculous card game the cast of random youkai are playing, and the absolutely perfect ending. There's such a great showing of verisimilitude in the story that's hard to sum up in an easy way. It feels so true even if it's just a singular interpretation of the Mountain and its varied social relations. That it's not mentioned much, if at all, is a shame. Summerfield, thank you for the laughs; I sincerely hope for more at a later date.

>>17274
I'll also just add that people get hung up on tiny little details about characters and whether or not things match them when, honestly, I think they should be more worried about whether or not the characters "feel" like who they're supposed to be, which is a whole separate thing from "muh lore". So even if things get contradicted or whatever by some new chapter of a manga or a new game or whatever the fuck, as long as it's not a lazy archetype with a nuhu's name pasted on, it really doesn't matter. I mean, there's people who don't even care that much about that, so it's not like "not being true to the REAL 2HUS" is going to lose you readers. TL;DR: stop worrying and learn to love the nuhus. Also, most characters don't get that much follow-up by ZUN, so half of anything is going to be made the fuck up anyway.

>>17019

I read it 10 years ago and loved it so much. I reread it a few days ago and it definitely holds up well. Some minor issues with pacing (sometimes spending an entire post dedicated to sorting books in a library) but all the details I remembered about it were just as perfect as they were when I first read it.

Princess Tepes does a great job building their own unique rendition of the SDM. The fresh take on all the SDM residents and their backstories, along with the seven named fairy maids, make for a lovable cast of characters that I miss now that I'm done reading the story. And you can't write a better Flandre than Princess Tepes' Flandre.

Everything from Kay's appearance onwards is perfect - it's incredible that the author was able to write a perfect ending considering the format of stories on this website, with the readers derailing any plans the author might have.

10/10, would read again in another 10 years.

I better see a Mike story from one of you knuckleheads for the coming exhibition.