So I guess that means one of Marisa's possible starts is as Sekibanki's daughter.

>>3024

I can already see her doing a decapitated joke to reimu, kosuzu or youmu when they first reunite

>>3024

I can already see her doing a decapitated joke to reimu, kosuzu or youmu when they first reunite

_______ Reimu had to admit that shame was not a… prominent part of her vocabulary as Kicchou Reimu walked through the library where she felt best, changing direction seemingly at random as she followed her instincts in search of the missing fox. She actually recalled that oni Hermit saying something to that effect during some barely remembered event, something about air tubes? Anyways, when your method for dealing with defeat in an incident is to show up the next morning for another go… maybe they had a point?

Though Reimu thought that might be why Kosuzu had kept catching her off guard throughout the few hours that they had since being reunited. Why Kosuzu’s reactions couldn’t tip off Kicchou Reimu that something was wrong, why the little fox’s sudden dash into the maze of bookshelves had caught both her and the kid by surprise. But really, even then Reimu couldn’t make sense of it.

Since the confrontation with Yuuma, Reimu had wondered how each of her friends would handle becoming a Youkai… and honestly she thought Kosuzu would have been the least of her worries.

Marisa? …Well that was a kettle of fish that she would worry about when Kosuzu wasn’t hiding from her. Youmu? She was half-phantom in the first place, and was the constant servant of a ghost princess. As long as there were swords involved she would be fine.

Akyuu had also been someone _______ had worried about. But when the letters from Akyuu began coming in, with an undercurrent of life and enjoyment between the information shared, with things like complaining about how she disliked the morning workouts she had been doing on the moon and yet from her words somehow had yet to drop the habit, now doing them with her sister, the worry had been eased on that front.

And Kosuzu? _______ had been very aware of how nearly blase the young girl had been to the risks of her reading hobby. So Reimu had been relaxed about how Kosuzu would take being a youkai, especially after the tea party, when she had asked Asami what had happened.

Less than five minutes.

There had been less than five {c

The author of the above omake here, thank you to Gooboi for looking over this and giving pointers and corrections!

"Our first dying wish," Yukari started, "is Marisa's. She's... drawn a picture of me getting run over by... my own train. I have... lines on my face of some kind."

"Yeah, those're wrinkles!" Marisa supplied. She turned to the other gathered girls. "Tha's why th' train hit 'er—'cause she's so old."

"Yes, I see," the gap youkai continued. She pulled out another card. "Here, you've drawn me having intercourse with Tokyo tower... Tokyo tower having intercourse with me... I'm relaxing on a beach with Tokyo tower post-intercourse... I'm crying while Marisa has intercourse with Tokyo tower— Did anyone put a card in the bucket besides Marisa?!"

"Oh, man! Classic Kirisame!" the witch murmured to herself.

"Wonderful. This has been a complete waste of precious little time."

"You didn't read mine!" Reimu called out.

"Does it say you want rice."

"Yes!"

Yukari snapped her fingers and a heavy sack fell on the girl's head. "Well, ladies, I look forward to our dinner plans in Hell."

---

"Hey, uh, Yukari...?" Marisa started. "You got a sec?"

"Oh, Marisa! Please, go f*** yourself." In an instant, the gap youkai's hands were in place to gouge out the young girl's eyes. "You have five seconds to tell me what you want before I kill you."

"Ah, stop! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Yes, yes, I'm sure you are."

"No, really! That's all I wanted to say!"

Yukari let go. "Oh, please; you wouldn't be here unless you wanted something—don't deny it."

"I— Well... yeah... L-listen... an' don' laugh! I... I've always wanted t' go out on a date... with Rinnosuke..."

The gap youkai turned smirked, but she didn't laugh like the girl wanted. "Really? I had always thought you had no interest in romance, what with your brutish nature, and all."

"

Okuu wasn't sulking. This was an important point. She was just disappointed, in a mature and responsible way, that she wasn't allowed to go to the party. It was gonna be a huge party, pretty much everyone was going to be there, she'd even gotten an invite... and she had to stay to mind the Hell of Blazing Fires.

She kicked a corpse into the fire, watching as the hell flared up from it. She wanted to find out what this hollow weenie thing was! Stupid corpse duty. Stupid responsibilities. Stupid Satori-

"Hi Okuu!"

Okuu eep'd, jumping into the air as she spun around. The figure was literally wrapped in cloth bandages from head to toe. Only the third eye and hints of pink hair peeking out showed their identity, which, uh...

"I wasn't thinking anything!" she pleaded, then stopped as she thought of something more important. "Wait, what happened?! Are you hurt?"

Like, really badly hurt?! Even her third eye was covered! She didn't fall into the hell of blazing fires, did she? Okuu had been paying attention... mostly.

Satori giggled, a happy, high-pitched sound. "It's a costume, Okuu. Do I make a good mummy?"

The bandage-wrapping was even and thorough. Aside from the occasional hint of pink hair and a small gap for the eyes, there was no skin showing. Even her third-eye and the veins connecting it were completely covered.

"You make a great mom!" Okuu said loyally.

"You're adorable." Satori declared, patting her head. "Remember to tell me that again after the party, okay?"

"Okay?" Okuu's brow scrunched up as she tried to figure out that one. Wait, she had a more important thing! "Uh, Satori... could I go to the party too?"

"Aren't you down here being responsible?" Satori asked, petting her more affectionately. Okuu nodded, closing her eyes and leaning into it.

"Yes! But... maybe I could be responsible... at the party?"

The petting stopped, and Okuu opened her eyes to see Satori crossing her arms, tapping her foot as she watched the hell raven. Okuu really wished she could see her face

Momiji’s patience was waning. The hell raven before her was loud, far too happy, and simply would not take the hint to leave. Instead, she had to suffer the endless prattle of another simple-minded bird, except this one was going on about her carefree life instead of staying home.

“And then we all went to the hot spring!” Utsuho chirped happily. “Yuugi gives us half off as long as me or Orin give her a good fight! Which is great, ‘cause I get to play, and then I get to relax, and because it’s cheap, it’s all responsible!”

Really, were the tengu and the kappa the only youkai who prized hard work? “Yeah, sounds like responsibility’s a big thing for you guys.”

“Uh huh!” The pet beamed, missing the sarcasm entirely. “Satori’s always talking to me about it! It’s hard, but even if I screw it up, she’ll just pat me on the head and tell me how to do better next time! She’s really nice.”

Even the costume was minimum effort. She’d just squeezed into one of the unconsciousness youkai’s outfits. Although, considering Momiji had just thrown together some old plate armor for the European knight look, she couldn’t throw too many stones there.

“What kind of screw-ups?” she asked.

Utsuho shuffled awkwardly, holding her arm cannon against her chest. (Really, did she never take the thing off?) “Sometimes when I’m playing with Orin… Satori says the Yatagarasu’s not an indoors god. Which doesn’t make sense, ‘cause you can get sun indoors, right? That’s what windows are for?”

The bird stared at her like she was expecting an answer. Momiji sighed. “Technically, yes.”

“Right! So if I just use a little power, it should be okay!” said the walking embodiment of nuclear fire. As the red eye on her chest opened and the room got about ten degrees warmer.

“Okuu!”

At those words and the third-eye-bearing mummy’s approach, Momiji felt actual relief. She never thought she’d be happy to see a mind reader.

“Satori!” The pet jumped up, smiling ear to ear again. “I did it! I talked to her!”

Wait, what?

“Yes, you’re such a good girl,” Satori said, confirming… something. “Co

Reimu was enjoying the party, all things considered. Needing to bother with a costume was annoying, but a pair of small horns and a cheap dress were an acceptable price to pay for free food. And while Remilia absolutely had flaws, cutting corners wasn’t one of them. Sakuya knew how to cook. (Really, why did Yukari ever bother stealing her food when the mansion was right here? Surely the maid couldn’t be watching all of it all the time?) She’d have to see how much she could get away with sneaking into a doggy bag.

Which reminded her, she should really get something for Aunn as well. She’d offered to let the Komainu come, but apparently the guardian beast had felt the need to guard the fort, both for her shrine and Sanae’s. Admittedly, it made some sense. Even if most of the big threats were at this party, there were plenty of small fry running around. She sighed. A youkai exterminator’s work was never done.

She rubbed at the bandages on her arm. They weren’t supposed to be part of a costume or anything, but somehow earlier… she’d been startled, whirled around, and managed to cut herself on someone else’s costume of all things. Not just a little either; she’d somehow sliced the back of her arm all the way from her wrist to her elbow. Sakuya had been there in a flash with medical supplies, and Kasen had run over a moment after, being her usual… overly concerned self.

Something about the whole thing was pinging her instincts, but she couldn’t quite tell what, so she’d flown up to an isolated balcony to think. She didn’t think for a second that the cut was accidental… so who was behind it? And why? Sakuya could do it, no question, but there was no reason for her to cause trouble, not at one of Remilia’s parties. What did anyone stand to gain from a shallow cut along her arm? She felt perfectly fine, and it wasn’t like a scratch like this would stop her from throwing out amulets or fantasy seals if the need arose.

She leaned against the railing, frowning. For that matter, Kasen had been acting strangely. The hermit had insisted on bandaging Reimu’s arm herself, and the shrine maiden had braced herself for a lecture… only for Kasen to gently tell her t

Finally have some time to properly give my thoughts on the story. Sorry for the surprise, but I've actually been wanting to give this piece a proper critique since it first showed up in the front page. I love gambling stories, and all I want from this critique is to simply encourage more writers about this genre. That said, let's begin with the positives...

This version definitely have a better and more concise description than the previous one; I have a good time following the game - as opposed to the original version - and, as a result, the game felt pretty intense too. The little girl from the original is removed, allowing the story to focus more into its main conflict. The story still retain its strong points from the previous version: Sannyo's laidback characterization and her love of gambling is still good. The 'atmosphere' (couldn't find the right word) of Sannyo's gambling life is also great, adding more to the story and making it feel more alive. I also love that you've made Sannyo use her smoke against Yachie, adding more layer of depth into the strategies of the game.

Frankly, I don't think I could point out any real weakness from the story without being overly nitpicking, since the previous version's main weakness (the difficult flow of the game) has been resolved. Perhaps the exposition could flow better if the story starts from Yachie's appearance? Maybe the hook could start immediately with the game they're playing so it would grab the reader's attention? These are merely suggestions. Though, it seems there is an editing mistake in the line when these wolf tengu show up:

>The sliding door slams open and in come wolf tengu. Based on their drawn patrol weapons, they’re obviously not here to gamble.

>The sliding door slams open, and in file three tengu in white. The wolf tengu, and their patrol weapons. These aren’t late gamblers.

It doesn't bother me much, but it's pretty funny to imagine them going over the door twice.

Overall, I really enjoyed it, and I'd say that this is definitely an improvement from the previo

>>3010
Damn, I was trying so much to make sure I didn't really make that mistake but I guess it was inevitable. A little bit of insight, I basically took the chunk that people gave the most critique on, the beginning, and highlighted the whole thing before writing a whole new section effectively on top of it. That was also how I did a bunch of other paragraph redrafts, and that's how it ended up with the wolf tengu coming in twice, I simply forgot to highlight the old to delete. The former quote is the new version whereas the latter is the old.

And I really appreciate the thoughts that you've put in here, I was really happy getting through this and using the major points from the exhibition to touch up the parts that weren't quite landing right. Atmosphere and character is something that I really like to get right when I have the room to add it in, something that I don't give myself the privilege of doing as much in my main story Ecology.

I stated it before in my self critique on the original commentaries, but I originally set out on this idea as a way to practice telling a story using something that I only have a general feel for and that readers would not know on the outset. Using gambling games was a great chance to practice that scenario as even if people think I didn't do well the first time, and even if people will say I didn't do well this time, if I can sway the opinion of some people then that makes the effort worthwhile.

>>3011
Yet another case of Murphy's law taking its victim. Don't worry that much, though. I just find it hillarious more than anything.

I'm glad that my thoughts are appreciated. I personally have difficulty in forming words, so it's good to know that my critique reached you well. I also want to improve my wording as well, so giving these critiques is a nice exercise for me.

Sorry for the delay, I went to sleep right after posting. I know that you said you don't expect answers, but I read through everything again and I'll give it a shot at feedback, at least on the characters side:

First of all, Aya. She properly reads as a journalist trying to follow a story, keeping some professionalism which I'll admit, it's not something I see about Aya often portrayed as. Personally I like that. Even if seeing Aya as a nosy reporter can be funny sometimes, many take it too far making her seem outright shameless and annoying to read.
On the other hand, I don't see why is Aya doing this. I suppose that the meta reason probably is to do a recap of what happened with the other story or to serve as a follow-up, but as a character I can't see if Aya is doing this out of curiosity, out of concern for Reimu or without a reason other than just making new issues for her newspaper.

From what little dialogue Kasen has, she's par for the course for what I expect of Kasen.

Aunn I feel sorry for. I can feel the sadness in her and I want to give the doggo a hug. About the part about Reimu feeding her so little scraps, to me it feels like an attempt of proverbially kicking the dog, maybe even an attempt at comedy that doesn't land. Either that, or wanting to paint Reimu as the bad guy of the story, which also makes sense or else there would be no conflict for the story to go on, but I feel it makes the character of Reimu feel negligent, uncaring and/or unappreciative of Aunn's work and for me, that feels off. I don't mind seeing Reimu as a kind-of-a-jerk sometimes, sure, but I don't see her as the kind of person that would be abusive towards one of the only people that actually cares for her and the shrine.
I know this is lampshaded in the closing part of that update and may even be a fabrication on Aya's part, but I had to point it out (again, please keep in mind I haven't read the original story).

Marisa is the only one that feels off to me, but you already addressed that one.
Personally, I think Marisa is the kind of person that cares a lot about the people she.. uh... cares about, but is too proud to admit

I really love the picture you've been painting with these entries. I'm a sucker for "quiet catastrophes" in the general case, of course, but I'm also enchanted by the way you seem to hit this teetering balance of comedy, tragedy, and simple matter-of-factness. I get the feeling that things are in some sense poised to change, but that nobody can really say when they will—each character has her own reasons for behaving as she does, but there's that gap of powerful subjectivity between them that keeps things from getting out in the open and shaking out to a resolution. It brings the setting to life in a way that makes you feel like you could wander in it for weeks or years and not know exactly which one it was.

In a more technical sense, I think the varying viewpoints here circling around, but never actually reaching, Reimu herself really adds to the sense. She's the person that Gensokyo really revolves around, and at the same time she's the one that always returns it to that state of the "empty center" that's core to traditional Japanese aesthetics and philosophy. So this is something like an inversion from the usual pattern—a quiet spiral inwards, rather than a lively acceleration outwards. It's a feeling that I think is very important in a general philosophical sense, and very underappreciated, too. The subtle but insistent imagery—antiques and curios; fish bones; rice cracker dust; fallen leaves, acorns, overgrowth, and wild animals—gives it a creeping aesthetics of sabi shading into outright decay that tickles me to the core.

Sorry that I haven't been able to comment earlier, but it's really great stuff. Keep up the good work!

>>2993
Thanks. It's always nice to feel like someone 'gets it', even if I'm not that certain of the finer points. In particular, I guess I hadn't so much included the imagery of wear and decay consciously as much as out of a personal aesthetic choice. I appreciate you highlighting it.

In a world where there are more yokai than there are humans, death is uncommon. That isn't to say it doesn't happen; animals need to eat, outsiders are preyed upon by yokai that need human flesh, and older humans passed on from natural causes. Gensokyo is a small world, and with it, a small amount of death. This leaves Eiki ample free time to lecture people about their vices and how to improve them. When she does, they usually don't follow through, which leads to more lecturing. Outside of trying to help others, Eiki would occasionally give a day to reflect on her actions. Her ability to determine right and wrong and the crystal mirror that can reflect one's past allows her to judge herself without bias. The reason why she has been able to remain patient with people who haven't improved themselves is because she recognizes that she also does it as well.

Like everyone else, Eiki is a creature of habit. Her occupation as a yama made her well aware of this fact. She witnesses her past actions and sees all the errors she could have avoided. During these times of self-reflection, a sense of bitterness would stir her heart. She knows she can do better than this, but like anyone else, changing a habit or your way of behaving is a challenge that even gods struggle with. Whenever that feeling of inadequacy began to form, Eiki would change from her work uniform into a more casual attire and take a walk to gaze at the scenery.

Her walk eventually led her to the village. As she enters, Eiki notices something off. The humans didn't seem different, if quieter than usual, but the atmosphere tugged on Eiki's heart. Something wicked is taking root in the heart of this village. It's what she believed, but what she sees in front of her challenges that belief. They were all good people; not a single one of them deserved to go to hell. In her heart, Eiki should be soaring seeing this, but she couldn't let it slide. She recalled some of these people; she'd lectured them before, and their disinterest was palpable. There's no way they could have turned over a new leaf so soon. Can they?

"...Perhaps I'm being pessimistic." She tells herself. &quo

“Oh, it’s the same as last time?” she asked and immediately betrayed a most childish displeasure. It’s the sort that makes cheeks puff, lips curl, and eyes widen and turn to the heavens as if to highlight her suffering so that the universe would fully witness it. The act also highlighted her deathless youth, as the roundening of her facial features combined with her eternal pallor reminds a casual observer of a bright moon on a chilly winter night. The grains of rice that git stuck to her chin and around the corners of her mouth as she munched vigorously (despite the nominal protest) added some greyish-white contrast—their effect was not too dissimilar to lunar mare.

Such thoughts did not, of course, occur to the target of the complaint. She was much too used to her mistress’ peculiarities and, besides, was too busy concentrating on passing the remaining rice balls to her to think about much. Years of service, however, had trained the retainer to be attentive to the wants of her mistress. So an automatic question, one made without really thinking about the particulars of the situation, sprung forth from her lips, “Is it not to your liking, Lady Yuyuko?”

“It’s not a matter of whether or not it’s to my liking,” Yuyuko frowned, pausing from chewing her afternoon snacks. It was then that she noticed the errant grains of glutenous rice stuck to her face. There was no modesty on display as she picked them off with her fingers and then stuck them into her mouth. She let the individual grains roll around her tongue as if they were sesame grains. She, in fact, was thinking that the rice balls could have done with a touch of toasted sesame for texture’s sake. But she didn’t vocalize that complaint, since she knew it would only distract the girl. Yuyuko had long since lost track of the amount of times she had given what she felt were clear instructions only to see the girl fumble about.

It might be worth clearing up a little misconception before proceeding. Though the world at large sees the girl—her name is Youmu, incidentally—as an earnest servant and something of a personal attendant to the capricious Yuyuko that is just something that

Eirin Yagakoro has received many compliments for her competence in the medical field. Even before the start of Eientei, the lunar capital higher-ups have always held her in high regard. I still remember those moments when, even with their advanced intellect, those Lunarians were baffled by the rate at which the doctor managed to solve her cases. It’s no surprise that the commoners of the Human Village would often have their minds blown away by her, to the point that they accuse her of witchcraft. I heard that modern medicine was the closest thing the outside world had to magic, so those villagers were not wrong, in a sense.

Our time in Gensokyo had provided us with a long list of cases, many of which were basic complications that even a Lunarian rabbit like me could solve, more often than not there were cases where the presence of the doctor was very much needed, as without her, there would be no other individual that had enough experience to solve such cases. One of which, still hot in its trail, was the case of the ninth Child of Miare.

It was an interesting case. In a time when bodily damage was often caused by magic bullets, clients with real, natural sicknesses were deemed as slightly above average in terms of their severity. A twin-tailed little girl came at me during my duty hours. Her yellow apron, along with the red and white dress, was unharmed, with little bells adorning her hair. I thought about the likelihood of a human girl surviving in the Bamboo Forest of the Lost at that time, but the questions vanished as soon as I saw the daughter of Fujiwara in the corner of my eye. She greeted in formality before leaving the girl with me.

I leaned down from the registration desk, bringing my slender bunny ears to the girl’s height. “Hello there, young child. How can I help you?”

“Hello, Miss.” She bowed down. Her tone was one of unease, though, she tried her best to hide it. “This is Eientei, right? I heard that there’s a professional doctor here, I want to meet her in person.”

“Sure thing,” I pulled out a sheet of paper from the drawer and clicked the pen in my hand. “What’s the issue?”

The girl hesitated for a second. “I’m afraid it mi

She extends her hand to the butler, strapping it to a metal device wrapping around her forearm. His gloves grazes her skin as the Jidiao rests her head upon the wooden counter, peeping her rival with her peripheral, the inaba herself has completed the preparations before her. After making sure that the device is safely locked, the butler shows her an injection needle, its tubing branches from the inside of the mechanical jaws.

“The chemicals will be injected directly to your veins, more specifically, your median antebrachial vein.” The butler says as he wipes her forearm with an alcohol swab, aiming the needle into it. “You’re not unfamiliar with needles, aren't you?”

“Seldom, I have no issue with it.” She points to the strapping device. “What are these cuffs for?”

He picks the double-sided tubing into her attention. “Aside from holding the IV tight, it serves as the switch mechanism, a valve between the tubing that decides which chemical will go through the needle.”

The butler presses the cannula into the device's plug, pushing its needle and locking it in place. Yachie feels a brief pain as she watches the elastic small pipes being connected to her body. Now, both Yachie and Tewi are locked into the machine. The wide screen in the middle walls activates, displaying the following statistics:

###

Current wager: 20.000 yen, 1 mg

Yachie: 120/80

The light travels through the room, crossing through the liquid as it passes the glass of iced water. The tired Jidiao and her subordinate rests their body upon the wooden counter as they wait for the butler to prepare the third round.

“Coffee.” The pink-dressed Inaba requests. “Hot coffee.”

The butler replies as he picks a coffee pack from the back shelves. “On it, Miss Tewi. How about you, Kicchou?”

Yachie glances at her previous drink, untouched from the previous round. “Another iced water, use a jug this time.” She presses her neck with her fingers.

The butler doesn't question anything of her request, going to work on it immediately. Yachie flashes a smile, looking at the well-mannered Inaba before her subordinate obstructs her view.

“You—” The Sarugami bites her tongue. “You don't have to do this, Yachie.” She clenches both of hands, looking down. “This whole mess is my problem. I— We shouldn't risk your life because of this. That rabbit, I underestimated it at first, but her luck is… It's real… As if the world bends at her will.”

Yachie peeks at the Inaba, taking a sip from her cup of coffee as the butler serves her request. Not long after, the butler comes with the Jidiao's request, bringing a jug full of iced water. She stares at the drink, seeing the reflection of an exhausted leader, blood tracing from her nose. She uses the sleeves of her light blue shirt to wipe it.

“Let me tell you something, Biten. You’ve maybe heard of it, this is before you joined our faction.”

Beware, for here be a dragon! Many brave and powerful adventurers challenge the new master of this cave, but none have proven successful yet. In this lair where all see their last, where did their eyes fall upon before their demise? Some would look up at the ceiling that once had numerous stalactites, now smoothed out by his hot flame. For others, it was the walls and ground littered with treasures from their homeland or foreign lands that they have never seen or ever will. Most saw the new master, Money the Red Dragon, as their final sight. 
 
In his current human form, he wears clothing decorated with gold and a crimson-red cape. However, his more beastial side is shown by how damaged they are after he fought the gods of the marketplaces and by his flames. His eyes are golden with slit pupils, poised to kill anyone who enters until he sees it is merely an unarmed human. A hint of divine magic dwelled in her pouch strapped to her waist. Whatever is in there, it's his now. He focused on the human before him.
 
Her hair is as pitch black as her eyes. She wore a dull, almost bland outfit as if attempting to appear humble. The smile on her face went from ear to ear, and the wrinkles near her eyes showed that it was genuine. An unarmed human who's excited like Money gets when he makes his pile of treasure bigger. Humans were usually weird to him; they got angry at him as if he took something from them, but he had a feeling this one would take the cake.
 
Perhaps it's the blood loss or how odd this woman is, but he didn't react when she took her first step into his lair. He stares at her with bored interest while comfortably indulging in his treasures. She glances around, not giving the gold a second longer of her time before looking elsewhere. It was then when she saw the pile he was lounging on, that her eyes settled. She looked up at him and bowed.
 
"Greetings, Money, the rich and powerful." She says it in near-perfect English. "I am Tenkyuu Chimata, the most esteemed and humble merchant in all of Japan."
 
"State your reason for being here, human." He orders
 
"Why, I heard a being from a foreign land h

WHITE BOY SUMMER BABY!!!!!!!